Safety Dance

I just came out of a room full of 6 women ages 20-50 ish for the first day of training for a reproductive justice media project. Most of these women grew up in Kentucky, and all of them have creative, exciting ideas, and interesting things to say about reproductive justice. How inspiring. I think I tend to get a little obsessed with the not getting pregnant and sex ed aspects of women's reproductive health, and don't think about things like what to do if you get pregnant, how to take care of your body so you can have a healthy baby, birthing options, and cultural and social barriers. I tend to get carried away trying to be a one-woman condom dispensing machine and prophet of the Nuva Ring, that I neglect the holistic approach.

Of course talking about all of this is difficult in places like WV, KY, and even parts of OH, where people are pretty religious, Planned Parenthood and abortion providers are difficult to find, and women don't feel like they have a lot of options as far as childbirth goes. But these folks are working on discussing these issues, and it's pretty inspiring.

Oh, but I've been having fun too. On Friday I made bourbon balls, went to the bar very briefly, and then had my roommate drive me home so I could read and go to sleep at 10:00 pm. My kind of night.

The next night was the Appalshop Christmas Ball at Summit City. I am always looking for ways to re-live my high school glory moments (these three moments were: prom #1, prom #2, and graduation), so of course I am into anything that involves dressing up and dancing. Only this time it was much better than prom because I didn't feel the need to look for (and get rejected multiple times by) potential dates. Long story short, I managed to pull off a semi-beehive, wore high heels for what was perhaps the longest amount of time in my life, danced like a champ, and stayed up until around 3:30 am, which I haven't done since the care-free, pre-mono days of summer. So so much better than my high school prom, because there was no rejection-related drama, and my parents weren't there to get upset when they found out that there were boys at the after party (would you all still be upset about this?).

I guess the moral of this story is that I think I'm finally over that mono junk, reading is fun AND fundamental, as dancing is fundamental to your mental health which is fundamental to your reproductive health. So drink some orange juice, take some vitamin D, ward off the SDD Winter Blues, make your hair real big and dance.

Holiday Cheer

Well, it's only December 13th, and we're already in the 2nd snow of winter. Good lord. Luckily, snow is still a novelty, so it's kind of fun to drive through the snow to work, strand my car in the parking lot, and spend the evening walking to all of my destinations. Plus, it's a perfect excuse to cuddle, nap, drink hot cocoa, wear snow boots, and walk to work, all things I enjoy doing, but don't usually have the opportunity to do. Ask me again in February how I feel about the snow, and I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune. Especially when I'm walking in the snow to get to class, and not just to eat good food and watch Neverending Story.

I got a new roommate at the beginning of December. He is a pretty good roommate so far. This is my first time living in close proximity to a man I'm not related to. Don't worry Mom, Dad, relatives, and folks back home - and in Whitesburg for that matter, I'm not living in sin. We got married first. JK LOL AREN'T I FUNNY!

But seriously, we're just friends and it's great to have someone to sweep snow off of your car and help you clean the house. And he has a great record collection and an awesome record player. Score!

In work-related news, I dropped everything I was doing at the end of last week to help with the Appalachian Media Institute's exhibit in the Whitesburg ArtWalk. It was awesome. I'm finally at the stage in my life where I am confident and look old enough to be sassy-nice to teenagers so they listen to me. Sometimes. But it was great to see all of the artistic talent from youth in the area. There were amazing photographs taken with disposable cameras that just blew my mind and some pretty funny comics. Not to mention the part where we stood on ladders and threw chains over beams and attempted to hang art using sticky tack. Setting up for events is so much fun.

ArtWalk was also the same day as the Whitesburg Christmas parade (about 10 minutes longer than the Marlinton Christmas parade). It was sort of like the Marlinton Christmas parade except that it was warmer, there was more than one little girl dance team, cute kids dressed as presents, and a "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" float made by the Senior Center. Plus there were camel rides (yes, camel rides), and Civil War re-enactors with a cannon that made obnoxious loud noises. And of course, when I got cold, I could pop into the bar and drink a Woodchuck and warm up a little bit and attempt to escape my old man suitors for a minute.

Well I honestly lost track of where I was going with this post. So I will conclude in the best way possible.

-The holiday season isn't so bad. Especially when it involves kids dressed like Rudolph and camel rides.

-I am making mistakes and learning from them. Thank God!

-I have been blessed with some pretty great roommates in my time on this planet.

-A final cute anecdote: I got Sadie spayed last week. When I went to the vet's to pick her up, and the vet brought her out, she started purring when she saw me.

- And finally, a gift from her Highness Lady Gaga: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cP8RzHHhVI

I'm Bad at Blogging, But Good at Enumeration

You know something I realized the other day (well actually this morning, when I realized that I hadn't updated my blog in 13 days)? I suck at blogging. I'm really bad at the whole consistently creating content deal. Of course, I write almost every single day. Even on the days when I haven't whittled away on the current things I'm working on, "Instant Relationships" - loosely based on the concept of instant fiction that my senior English teacher introduced to me, "Dreams" - which is mostly about Kevin Howard, not that I dream about Kevin Howard all the time or anything, or expect everyone of you to know who he is, and various and sundry pieces of songs, stories, and cheesy poetry, I at least crank out a thank you note, a letter, or a few e-mails.

I blame my failure to blog on 2 things: my lack of internet access at home, and my struggle with brevity.

So I'm sorry and I'll try to be better.

1. I did it, I went home when I was feeling homesick.

And it was pretty nice. Well worth the 5-6 hour drive for a big bed, a wood stove, full grown cats, the Marlinton Opera house, farmland, and the Pocahontas Times.

2. I came back to Whitesburg, which also felt pretty good. Because although it's frustrating to realize that I'll be doing this whole taking care of myself thing for the rest of my life, it's also good to have the reality check of a sink full of dishes, a poopy litter box, and dirty laundry. Responsibility is good, responsibility is good, responsibility is good. Or at least it builds character.

3. Work is interesting. Frustrating, sometimes boring, but interesting. I'm learning more than is good for my blood pressure about reproductive justice. This is the one issue that I actually get legitimately pissed off about, instead of just depressed. The amount of times I've had to leave the office after viewing a particularly infuriating film clip, or watch videos of kittens to relax myself after reading about the acts of some idiotic politician is almost comical. Because I don't usually get mad (unless it's at people I'm closely related to, which is a different story entirely, I think). And it's weird to feel anger.

4. I am excited to go back to college and have homework again! I am so so serious! I cannot wait to lock myself away in Mudd/my hopefully amazing housing situation, although probably not and study my little heiny off. I need to graduate ASAP so I can do the really cool things that are supposedly out there waiting for me to do.

But for now, soup beans!

Confessions, Part 1. (this is an Usher reference...)

I have a confession to make: I am homesick.

I want to go to Green Bank and walk through the fields and down by the creek. I want to take a book and a quilt with me into the barn and sit and read in the hay loft. I want to brush my scruffy horses. I want to sit on the porch.

I want to sleep in my big bed with my flannel sheets and sprawl out. I want to wake up and be warm. I want clean dishes and a microwave and to be able to take a shower and know I will have water.

I want to take Sadie to meet Bobs and Brickle and Marley and Sima. I want to go to the post office, walk at the NRAO, get coffee at the Dirtbean, and go to the used bookstore.

I want to see Annie and Staci and David and Andy and Seth and Katies F through T. I want to walk on the trail with Brenda, sit in the hot tub with Grant, and play music with Jake. I might even go to a high school football game.

These are totally first world problems. I'll be away from home and paying for my own heat and water and food for the rest of my life. I'll have to clean my own bathroom and wash my own dishes and sleep in skinny beds indefinitely. I can deal with it.

But I still miss Green Bank.

Thoughts on My Impending Milestone Birthday

As many of you may or may not know, I will be turning 21 on Wednesday. For folks who went to school with me, this isn't much of a newsflash, but I'm one of the youngest ones in my friend-group in Whitesburg (of course no one knows this, since they're all dazzled by my wit and maturity... psshh).

Here's what I've been thinking:

1. I'm ready to go back to Oberlin, learn, do homework, read, write, research, and graduate.

2. I'm not going to let the absurdity of the school get me down.

-I will be in a co-op exclusively to eat

-Oberlin has an old-time music ensemble. What the heck. And you know what, I'm not going to let my feelings get hurt when they don't beg me to be in it. I have more authenticity in my big toe than they do in their entire banjo-plucking bodies and I refuse to let them get me down (although the thought of it is getting me down already).

-If a student group I am involved in is making me feel insecure, I will do what I am best at

doing, and simply quit.

-I WILL DO MY HOMEWORK. I WILL NOT CHASE BOYS.

As you can see, Oberlin is creeping back in to my mind. I'm ready to take hard classes, spend my life in the library, eat weird hippie foods, go to awkward parties, and trudge to class through the frozen tundra. I'm not exactly thrilled at the prospect of two more years (or even just a year and a half) there, but it's what I need to do.

3. I need to find a work/life mentor.

The closest thing I have to a mentor right now are a number of people who I love dearly and have made mistakes that I have learned from. I also have a couple of role models who are 4-8 years older than me who I think are the coolest and I strive to emulate. But I really need one really powerful woman who is much older and has been successful in the way I view success. I also need to not be intimidated by this person, which is a huge limiting factor, as I am easily intimidated by awesome women.

4. My life has been pretty durn good so far.

I mean of course there have been ups and a ton of downs and periods when nothing was okay, but if I were to average the highs and the lows, you'd probably come out with a solid okay. And that solid okay translates into "pretty durn good" when you multiply it by all of the wonderful folks who have been a part of my life. I usually dislike it when people say "I've been blessed," but I have truly been blessed with wonderful friends and family throughout my life. I've known some of the most amazing people of all ages and I never cease to be amazed by the human race. Thanks for 21 wonderful years of friendship, love, and support.

First World Problems

The lovely Rachel Brooke is going to grace me with her presence in Kentucky today! I can't wait to see female friends again! The wealth of female friends I had this summer was due to the influx of interns and a complete lie, because everyone knows that there are no women in Whitesburg, Kentucky. Okay, this is also untrue, but sometimes it feels like I have no female friends here. Don't get me wrong, I have some really amazing male friends, but it's just not the same. I just want to talk about boys and birth control and Taylor Swift, and I simply cannot do that with the country band.

Oh, first world problems.

WARNING THOSE WHO DON'T WANT TO HEAR ME RANT ABOUT CLUELESS MEN SHOULD STOP READING NOW!!!!!

I discovered this weekend that I have a "type" when it comes to romance (ewww she's talking about love... gross). This type is not short dark and handsome, or skinny and bearded, or well-dressed, or music nerds or men with southern accents (although let's face it, I really like all men, as long as I know they can't beat me up). This type is men who don't have their shit together enough to have a girlfriend. They are attractive, smart, understanding, excellent cuddlers who I feel incredibly comfortable being around, but they have issues that prevent them from dating anybody, much less me.

Why oh why oh why?

I mean, it could be a lot worse. I could always fall for abusive drug addicts, or men who aren't interested in women. But this pattern is frustrating. Perhaps I am subconsciously setting myself up for romantic failure because I am reluctant to give up my freedom, so I fall for men that I know won't actually date me. But being wrong and wasting time sucks.

I think I need to stop falling for hikers and musicians and travelers and start falling for Young Republicans and people who want to be president or doctors or lawyers or farmers. Because honestly, they seem to be the only 2o somethings in my experience who have any clue what they're doing with their lives. Not that I have any clue what I'm doing with my life, but it's good if you at least have enough of an idea that you're comfortable being in a relationship.

Grrr... again, first world problems.

So if y'all know any short, dark, and handsome/skinny guys with beards/guitar playing single Young Republicans/people who want to be president/doctors/farmers with southern accents, who are looking for tall, intelligent, funny, beautiful redheaded musicians, send them my way, so I can start worrying about something more important, like grades or the environment.

Soup Bean Day!!!!

It's soup beans day at Summit City, which means that my mind shuts down around 11 am and all I can think of is how delicious the hot pinto beans will be as they slide into my belly along with crumbled corn bread and onions and oh yes...

Really, it's hard to be unhappy on soup beans day.

Which is why I'm taking a brief break from proposal writing to write to you, my lovely lovely blog readers.

Life is good. I'm confused about people, and what I want from them, but this seems to be a constant state of being for me in the fall. It's like I suck every last bit of life from summer because I know that winter will be cold and lonely.

Okay, enough cryptic, melodramatic BS.

I had to put down my beloved Hasil Adkins, because he had kitty HIV. He would have given it to other cats and had a drastic deterioration and it would have been even sadder than it was to drive to the vet with a cat and come back with only a bill for euthanasia. That was the hardest thing I've had to do this fall.

But I went to the Pikeville animal shelter and got another cat, this time a female, black, long-haired kitten, sort of the opposite of Hasil Adkins. I don't love her quite as much as I loved Hasil yet, but Little Sadie Lockman is pretty durn cute, a purrer, and a cuddler, and just what I need right now.

Last week I went to East Tennessee to the Highlander Research and Education Center for a meeting with the STAY Project's fiscal agent. The meeting was productive and New Market, TN is absolutely beautiful! I was awed by the Great Smoky mountains. They are huge. And this is coming from a WV girl. I felt like I was from Ohio or something. I'm a bit in love with that part of Appalachia. New place I want to live?...

I spoke with my advisor yesterday, who seems to be on the same page with me as far as my time at Oberlin goes. She advised me to try to finish in 3 semesters (which I actually can do with minimal impact on my sanity) so I can go and do the things I really want to do. I knew there was some reason I asked her to be my advisor.

We'll it's only 15 minutes until it is acceptable for me to get soup beans.... I can taste them right now. I'm going to write something about soup beans, maybe a food article. They are the food of the East Kentucky gods. Cheap and delicious. At home we called them brown beans and cornbread. I call them heaven in a bowl.

Y'all get the point. I'll try to write more. But for now I'm looking forward to having soup bean breath.

Unleashing My Inner Martha Stewart and Loretta Lynn

First of all, many apologies for being lame and not blogging. A variety of circumstances (mainly moving into a house without internet) have made it difficult for me to be as internetly active as I usually am.

Secondly, while I would like to write about Appalachia Rising (which I did not attend, as I was rising in Appalachia those days), I'm sick of thinking about the coal debate and talking about it. This will probably last a week, and I will come back in full force and explain what this all means.

Now for something less controversial.

Nesting!!!!

I moved into a new house! It's at the head of the holler. It's pretty big, poorly insulated and filled with wood paneling, and I think I'm in love. I moved in a week ago and ever since I've been cleaning, unpacking, installing shower heads and unleashing my inner Martha Stewart. I feel like I've successfully transformed our kitchen from creepy to cute in the past week (although it is still dark because of the wood paneling), revitalized the bathroom and shower so they are not only usable and clean, but also smell alright. My landlords are generous, the neighbors are friendly, and aside from a dog that tries to bite me when I walk to work and I secretly hope will get hit by a car, my holler is a wonderful place to live. I only hope my roommate and I can afford to pay utilities on it in the winter when we'll actually have to heat the place. If we can't I'm not really sure where I'll go. But friends and strangers are kind and generous with their couches and I'm sure I'll work it out.

Music!!!

Two note-worthy musical endeavors:

1. My friend got a gig playing banjo at the elementary school. He was nervous about it, so I agreed to accompany him on my bass, not knowing what I was getting myself into.

I make it sound so ominous, but it wasn't at all! We ended up playing on a stage in the cafeteria at lunch time during what appeared to be "Take Your Parent to School Week." It was one of the most fun gigs I've had. The kids were a blast. One group in particular (2nd-3rd graders I think) were particularly appreciative. They clapped, danced, made the "rock on" hand signal while we played, winked at us, and made us feel like rockstars. Maybe some of them will join the Pick and Bow afterschool program, or seek out other folks in the area who play music, but if not, I at least hope that their chicken nuggets tasted better to an East Kentucky old time soundtrack.

2. I'm in a country band! It's old country/honky tonk/whole lotta fun band called the American Divorcees. We've practiced a few times in the past week, and I just can't get enough. It is a blast, and so much different than the last band experience that I had. So far we have a guitar, a lap steel, a bass, and a fiddler. We've never met or practiced with the fiddler, but she has red hair too, so I'm hoping we can get some matching outfits going on for gigs or something. As we all know, the most important part of country, bluegrass, and old time music is the pretty dresses, western-style shirts, and cowboy boots. For our band to be successful, we must not only sound good, but be able to rock the country look for us to be believable as musicians singing about heartbreak, alcoholism, and murder. Of course, in that regard, I'm probably the least authentic of the bunch, but I can pull off dresses and cowboy boots pretty well, so of course they invited me.

I'm also joking about most of the clothing related parts.

But I'm dead serious about enjoying playing music with these fellows. It feels so good and makes me so much happier.

Keep it Simple

I just want it simple, I just want it easy. I ain't trying to hurt no one, I don't want no one to hurt me. Maybe we can be friends, maybe just a little more. Let's keep it simple like it was before.

- The Hackensaw Boys

Just because everyone you work around is crazy doesn't mean you have to be. - Janney Lockman

The first quote (from the song Keep it Simple on the Hackensaw Boys' album with the same title) and the second quote sort of describe the way I've been trying to live my work life. But it's difficult when money is involved and you're dealing with people and not machines. People act like people and have their own needs, desires, and personal histories. I just want to get along with everybody.

In the non-profit world, especially in small communities, people seem to bite off more than they can chew (as far as I can tell). They become involved in multiple work related projects, volunteer activities, and of course there are family, friends, relationships, and things like sleep to deal with. I refuse to be a part of this insanity. I do take on more responsibility than I can handle sometimes, but I'm also really good at quitting things and flaking out. Just because the people I am surrounded by are working stressful full time jobs for not enough money, volunteering away their spare time, and spending what little they have left with their families, friends, and significant others, doesn't mean that I have to live the same way.

By no means am I dissing people who are busier than I am. I just can't do it. Personally, I am more of an asset to my workspace, my community, my family, my friends, and myself if I'm not running around trying to juggle too many things. Oh but it's hard.

I found a cat. He is orange and young and his name is Hasil Adkins (google it...). He's kind of like me, red hair, blue eyes, physically affectionate, kind of noisy, independent, and drinks a lot of water. I'm going to spend part of my first pay check getting him neutered. He keeps me from being lonely in the big house I'm staying in by myself.

This summer I devised a list of priorities for the next 15 years. They were:

Cat

Job (so I can support my cat)

House

Husband

Not that these will all happen (although I hope the job one does). But I'm at 1 of 4 right now, which freaks me out a little bit. Still need to finish college before the job, so that's 2 years, but a cat at 20 younger than I expected. Guess it's way better than a baby.

Books and Lists and Book Lists

The other day while talking to a friend, I realized that this is MY semester off, and I should do things because I want to do them. It sounds simple, but for me, it's a big step. It's not Appalshop's semester off (although they are benefitting from my workaholic tendencies), STAY Project's semester off, WMMT's semester off, the city of Whitesburg's semester off, etc. Which means that if I want to spend a Thursday night in my kitchen having a crappy pop music dance party instead of hanging out a Summit City and being sociable, that's what I should do. If I think it's better for me to spend the morning subbing a radio show than drafting letters of intent for grants, then that's what I should do. Of course, it is my job, so it's not like I'm going to blow off work or anything (and honestly, what would I do if I didn't work? I'd probably just watch Jersey Shore and play mahjong. And that's not how I want to live). I just need to remember to do things because I want to, and not because I feel obligated to. Work doesn't feel like an obligation. I'm so lucky.

The things I want to do:

1. RECOVER FROM MONO!!!!!!!!!!!

2. Work with the STAY Project

3. Work with the Kentucky Health Justice Network project (more on that when I understand more)

4. Sub radio shows on WMMT

5. Be in the country band!

6. Play old time music (bass and banjo)

7. Square dance as often as possible

8. Do more radio journalism

9. Make significant progress on my book list

10. Do yoga/hula hoop/run/hike/pilates/something to keep in decent physical and mental shape

11. Cook healthy food

12. Turn 21

13. Get to know friends and acquaintances better

14. Meet more women from Whitesburg (they've got to be out there... I just don't have any local non-Appalshop female friends and it's a shame).

15. Open a bank account, pay my own rent, pay for my own gas and food aka be a big girl.

And honestly, none of this stuff is impossible. I've already started working on most of these goals.

An updated books I've read list:

Look Homeward Angel by Thomas Wolfe - really good but you can definitely tell it was written in 1929.

5th Avenue, 5 AM blah blah blah about the making of Breakfast at Tiffany's - disappointing! Too much about the process of making the movie and not quite enough dirt on Audrey Hepburn and significance of the movie for feminism, American women, et al.

Been Down So Long it Looks Like Up to Me by Richard Farina - I wanted to read this one because he was friends with Thomas Pynchon and I really liked the Crying of Lot 49 (plus it's Farina's only book -- he died before he could write anymore). Too many venereal diseases for my taste, plus I wasn't that crazy about the main character. I think I'm either a fuddy duddy or was born in the wrong decade for this book.

Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston - I think this was the best book I read during this round. The setting of this book really intrigued to me. Rivals Old Yeller for rabies scene.

Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut - The stage where I appreciated Vonnegut's writing the most has ended. So it goes. I later read a book called The Book Thief that took place in WWII Germany. I know very little about Dresden. WWII was no picnic for German civilians either.

A Room With A View and Howard's End by E.M. Forster - A common theme in these books was women not being able to have any sort of opinion or say because they lived in times when it wasn't socially acceptable for women to do anything besides sit still and look pretty or have babies. Another common theme was women being engaged to men who are controlling assholes. They were both really good, and made me thankful that I live in the 21st century.

Those Pesky Mountains: Employment, Fame, and Fatigue

Well it's happened again. I packed my junk in my Subaru (all the while creating an ad for a company called, inexplicably "Subaru Moving Service, Janney Speaking."), and drove to Whitesburg. I've done some work, consumed some fried food, gone to Open mic night, drafted some grant-related stuff, seen some friends. It's Friday evening and I feel like I got hit by a bus. Going from mono recovery, doing absolutely nothing mode, to working 9-5 and then attempting to exercise and socialize afterwards has been a rough transition. I'm just plumb tuckered out. But I'm in my PJs, I bought some orange juice and am ready to curl up with Thomas Wolfe's "Look Homeward Angel," and/or the movie Grease. As you can see, I'm not exactly up for a wild night of Kentucky craziness quite yet.

Work is going really well so far. I'm working for a group called STAY (Stay Together Appalachian Youth). We're trying to create a network of young people in Appalachia who are looking for economic and environmentally sustainable ways to live and work in the region. My wonderful co-worker and I spent the last two days working on a report for a grant we got last year, and working on a short application for a smaller grant (now that I'm working with grants and grant money, my perception of "smaller" has gotten distorted. $3,000 isn't shabby, but in the world of grants as I understand it, it feels like mere pocket change). I've been uncharacteristically productive, cranking this stuff out then working together with my co-worker to make everything tighter (I know I try not to use names, but this is unwieldy, so the person I've been calling "my co-worker" will now be referred to as "A"). "A" has a lot more experience and knows a lot more about the organization and issues than I do, but I think having another person there who is eager to get things done has helped a lot. Together we've done a lot of work this week. It feels good.

Also, I found out that a radio piece that I did about the National Radio Astronomy Observatory and Allegheny Mountain Radio is being featured in this week's Inside Appalachia, a radio program that is on NPR. It airs on West Virginia Public Radio on Saturdays at 6 am and Sundays at 6 pm, but you can hear the program online afterwards at http://www.wvpubcast.org/insideapp.aspx. I'm really excited about this and sort of want to tell everyone I know and did a little internal jumping up and down and probably spoke in a high-pitched voice a little bit when I found out.

I just wish I felt a little better physically. I've been feeling down and was worried that I was going to get really depressed, until I realized that it's probably just that my immune system is depressed, which is affecting my mood. It's good to know this, but I'm also sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm not good at playing the invalid.

I also forgot how shy I can be when I'm feeling kind of crappy. Lately I've been fine one-on-one, but add another couple of people into the mix and I don't really have much to say. I blame the mono and hope that with a relaxing weekend and a lot of orange juice I can get back to normal.

Finally, lest you think that I have forgotten all about mountain-top removal, I share with you the following brochure. Sheer and utter stupidity I found this while doing research about the Eastern Kentucky Elk Herd. I was reading it in the office and started laughing really hard because I thought it was a joke. A informed me that it actually wasn't. Although it does read as excellent satire in my humble opinion. Future Jonathan Swifts take not. This brochure would be hilarious if people didn't actually believe this. Oh those pesky mountains.

How to Love Where You Live 101

How to Get Out of A Location-Related Funk

Step 1: Invite a friend to come visit you.

Step 2: Show them around.

You will appreciate the place you are living and remember why you like living there in the first place.

I am always surprised at how well these two steps work. Yes, I know Green Bank is beautiful. Yes I know that Oberlin is a haven of beautiful bare foot fascinating people. But it's easier to remember if a friend who is seeing them for the first time says it first. My lovely friend Rachel's Green Bank visit was just what I needed to shake those end of summer blues, when all of my PC friends are back in college and people keep asking me "When are you going back to school?" (out of curiosity of course, but after a while it starts to feel like they're asking me "Why aren't you in school you slacker? Why didn't you go to WVU you weirdo?" And of course, in my case, the answer is more complicated than saying something like "September 2nd.").

So the lovely Rachel came to visit. My parents are taking my younger brother to college (freshman orientation... welcome to Camp College!), so we've had the house to ourselves. We spent an unhealthy amount of time in the hot tub, cooked in dresses, explored the universe at the NRAO, swam in chilly Deer Creek, took a leisurely stroll through Beartown, and went to Buckeye Bend Books, an incredible used bookstore in Buckeye (I found an obscure depressing book about Appalachia that's been on my list, and Thomas Hardy's Jude the Obscure). Rachel's skillful eye spotted a thrift store in Marlinton which had an amazing belt selection and a room full of ridiculous dresses with lace and old fashioned patterns that girls like Rachel and I like to wear (we're sort of predictable in that way. The dresses were actually in the room that the owners of the store recommended we change in. I think they had us pegged from the moment we walked in).

The bottom line is that Green Bank and Pocahontas County are pretty darn cool. But the old feet are getting itchy (and not from trying on second-hand shoes) and I need to leave ASAP. Luckily, it looks like I'll have a place to live in Whitesburg. It's a cute little house in a holler. I'll have to manage my rent and utilities like a big girl. This is what I've been missing by going to a college where you have to live in dorms.

It's almost onward and upward and Southward for me. When I get bummed out about being in Whitesburg, come visit me (although I'm not sure if this will happen, as I have lived there during January and survived). In the meantime, I'm going to go enjoy Pocahontas County and walk my dog by some telescopes.

Tonsils, Self-Doubt, and Red M&Ms: Things You Don't Know You Have Until You See Them

My lovely friend Rachel is coming to visit today! I'm so excited. She's mildly allergic to cats (a liability in my house) so I've been sweeping and vacuuming all day. When I was 4 or 5, I was at a children's theater production with my grandparents. I sat on the floor in the dark beside a girl with my packet of M&Ms and offered to share them with her. She told me that she was allergic to red and green M&Ms and could only eat the other colors. After the play I worried that in the dark I had accidentally passed her a red M&M and killed her. How was I to know? I was only 4 or 5 and I never saw her again. For all I know, she died of eating a red M&M that I'd given her. Ever since then, I've had a fear of accidentally killing my friends. I hope you survive your visit to West Virginia, Rachel.

About a week ago, I realized that swallowing really really hurt. It kept hurting more and more each day despite my efforts not to swallow. My concerned mother looked down my throat and diagnosed me with tonsillitis. A few days later, I went to the doctor and found out that it was actually mono. At which point, I burst out laughing. How many people have I shared my water bottle with in the past year? (Maybe I should be less concerned about killing Rachel with cat dander, and more worried about giving her mono).

Unfortunately, now I'm tired a lot and can't kiss anyone for a long time. I don't really need to kiss anyone, but the being tired all the time doesn't bode well for returning to Whitesburg and working with two different non-profits, getting in awesome shape, playing bass and banjo as much as possible, doing radio when I can, and living on my own. Luckily I am now the proud owner of a French press, which I'm going to depend on to get me through until I am mono-free.

I've also been having regrets and mixed feelings about this semester off. I might just miss college. The other day, I was in a coffee shop in Charlottesville, full of students doing their homework. I felt a slight pang as I watched two boys work on their problem sets, a girl look up Spanish verbs, and a woman staring off into space. I've also been missing weird things like shower shoes and sweeping co-ops with push brooms and that weird time on weekend nights between dinner and going out when you're never really sure if you should do homework or watch bad tv. (Although I do think it's fun when people ask me when I'm going back to school and I say "February.") I think I'll be ready to go back and buckle down, when the time comes. But until then, I'll be buckling down in a different way. I can't wait to be getting stuff done again.

Youtube and Reading in Las Green Bank

I'm halfway through week 2 in beautiful Green Bank, West Virginia, and I feel like a big huge hypocrite. I mean, I think it's really important for people to be proud of where they came from, and I will be working for a non-profit that is trying to get young people to stay in Appalachia, but at this point in my life, I'm home for about a week, and I just want to get out.

Don't get me wrong, I love my home, Green Bank, and West Virginia. I love driving my redneck truck with one hand because I'm using the other to wave at people. I love forgetting that I have a cell phone. I love running with my dog in the dark at the NRAO because I know I won't get hit by anything.

But I miss routine and instant people. At least once every week day, I've thought, "It's 11:34 am. People are at work right now." My job plan for this month fell through, so I'm going to start doing projects around our farm, mostly so I can stay busy. Tomorrow's project is finishing cleaning our scary garage (from the way I've been describing things at my house, it sounds like I live in a gothic shack. Skeletons, scary mold, and useless crap. But it's really more like a messy old farm than the Adams Family). These things keep me occupied, but they're no substitute for co-workers, or even knowing that there are central places where you're bound to see your friends. Most of my friends from high school don't come home for the summer. There are some wonderful exceptions to this rule, but it's not as if we see each other everyday, or there are a great wealth of things for us to do.

Wow. This post sounds kind of whiny. I'm going to say some positive things now.

I've been doing a lot of cooking.

I went to the eye doctor yesterday and my vision hasn't changed in 3 years.

My bed at home is so much more comfortable than any of the other beds I've slept on this year. It's even more comfortable than my bass case and the back of my Subaru was at Clifftop.

I've re-discovered Youtube. I don't watch dumb videos with animals and girls and cups and viral stuff. I'm a bit of an online video snob and prefer videos by people I know or featuring people I know. For examples of my excellent taste in online videos, go to Youtube and search for "I'm gon' dance Clifftop," and "Blue Daldon." Although the Harkness Bike Derby videos are a classic too.

One of my beautiful beautiful friends from Oberlin is coming to visit me next week! I can't wait to show off my hometown/county/state to her.

So I am proud of where I came from. At this point in my life, I just get itchy feet and can't stay in one place too long. So I'm just going to suck it up, clean out that garage, take care of all the business I need to take care of, watch a couple more Youtube videos, get ready for my friends impending visit, and look forward to a time when I will have routine and people that I'm not related to to spend time with.

*As a bonus for putting up with my complaints, here is an updated list of books I've read since being home. Not that you have to care, but if you do, then here ya go!

The Crying of Lot 49 - Thomas Pynchon (so so so good.)

Frankenstein (also good. The Wishbone version just doesn't do the book justice).

Lady Chatterly's Lover by D.H. Lawrence (The Wishbone version of this one is the best!!! Just kidding, but behind the personification of reproductive organs and the big stink that this book caused is not only an excellent love story, but interesting commentary about mechanization and the coal industry in England).

A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson (Anyone want to hike the Appalachian trail with me?)

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - What I Got Out Of It: Drugs are bad. Journalists are frivolous. My dad's copy of the book smells funny. Just kidding, Hunter S. You're a good writer.

Mold, Irrational Crushes, and Music

Since it's been exactly a week since I left Whitesburg, it's a bit hard for me to remember what my final thoughts were (probably something along the lines of "Holy shit, I still have to clean my car, wash the dishes, AND return this library book ?!?").

What I can say for sure is that this trip has been so good for me mentally, emotionally, and despite the large quantities of Blizzards I consumed while in Whitesburg, physically. I really feel like I've gotten my old self back, and that is a wonderful wonderful way to feel.

Plus this weird thing has been going on where people tell me I'm a cool person. What's up with that? I spent the summer in awe of my amazing, intelligent, beautiful friends and co-workers, only to have them tell their friends about my editing skills or tell me how much they like me. Which is great, but I'm still sort of in the middle school/high school mentality that I'm the little kid and they're the big kid and they're infinitely cooler than me. This is starting to change for me, but I'm still a bit shocked and awed when a cool older woman wants to be my friend. It's going to be hard when I go back to Oberlin and am only surrounded by the 18-22 crowd again. I like kids and old people and middle aged people and teenagers and everything else in between.

After a final night in Whitesburg filled with fiddles, feminism, good food, and good byes (evidence can be seen here ), and a morning of running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to move out, I headed off to Clifftop, the Appalachian String Band Festival.

This was my 4th year at Clifftop, and definitely one of the best. I jammed just as much on my banjo as I did on my bass, saw a lot of old friends, made some new ones, didn't get enough sleep or get arrested. So it was pretty much a success.

My Clifftop 2010 observations were as follows:

1. It is a beautiful thing when you see someone you were absolutely obsessed with at 16, and realize that they're still a cool person, but not as amazing as you once thought they were. At 16, I could spend an entire night swapping bullshit with this person. While I'm still pretty fond of bullshit now, I'm not as easily taken in by it. This person is still attractive, intelligent and interesting, but I've moved on a lot from that point in my life, and it is such a relief.

2. At Clifftop 2 years ago, I met a beautiful man who plays the same instrument as me. Only he is much much better at it than I am. He was known to me and my friends as my [instrument name has been left out to preserve author's dignity] hero.

Flash forward 2 years. [Instrument who must not be named] hero is at Clifftop again, and is actually my camp neighbor! I wake up from a middle-of-the-night nap to the sound of him playing. I stumble out of my tent, disheveled, wrinkled and tired from traveling and jamming and the like, and strike up a conversation. In typical Janney is a creeper and remembers everybody fashion, I started out with "That sounded great... I don't know if you remember me but..."

But here's the best part. HE REMEMBERED ME!!!!! And not as a creepy stalkerish 18 year old, but as a person who played the same instrument as him!!!!!! We hung out and played music quite a bit throughout the weekend.

To make a long story short, I have a huge renewed crush on him. I'm going to run off to [town that must not be named in state that must not be named] to live with my [instrument that must not be named] hero and we will make beautiful beautiful babies who are the best [instrument that must not be named] players in the world.

I guess the point is, Clifftop is fun, but irrational crushes last much longer.

So I've been home for 4 days now. On Monday, I got gum surgery, which basically means my teeth won't fall out, but I'm on a liquid diet for a week and can't exercise. So there's been nothing for me to do in Green Bank besides clean (because usually when I'm home all I do is eat, exercise, and clean).

This week's bout of cleaning has lead me to our basement. It is truly a scary basement. Not even our closest friends and neighbors understand the true horrors that lie in our basement. The Lockman family doesn't have skeletons in our closet, we have them in our basement (literally. Yesterday I swept up a mostly decomposed mouse). So this is not a task for the faint of heart.

I started off with my parents' vinyl collection. They have an amazing record collection in lots of genres. Unfortunately, it's been in our moist, often-flooded basement for the past 10+ years. So it's now covered in white mold. I spent about 2 hours dusting white mold off of these records. At times it was kind of exciting.

"Oh this record is white! It must be the White Album!"

A quick dusting with a rag reveals it to be Joni Mitchell's "Blue."

When I actually did find the White Album, it was covered in purple mold. So it goes.

Despite the dust mask I had on during this cleaning, I probably inhaled way too much of this white mold. I had a fever last night and am still feeling pretty wonky today. So if I die from white mold inhalation, I would like the following people to come to my parents' home and each pick 10 records from their record collection (and this is the only time I'll name drop in my blog. Because I'm not screwing around.): Clary Estes Mark Kidd Derek Mullins Alex Toutant Matt Anderson Sasha Jones Lauren Melton and everyone else I've talked to about vinyl in the past year or so. While you're there, you can talk about how much you all love me while you clean the basement. Just don't inhale too much white mold.

Elk, Puppies, Small Children and Other Things I Want to Cuddle With

I don't know if I've mentioned this or not, but I have a really strong mother instinct. One of my friends and I talk all the time about how we just wish we could have babies now, while we're young and our bodies will recover quickly, freeze them, and then raise them in 10 or so years. Of course both of us know that this is impossible and we'd be terrible mothers at this point in our lives, but that doesn't keep me from wanting a small child every time I see a particularly adorable one.

In Whitesburg, this has translated into me attempting to befriend all 5,000 stray cats in town. I had a good feline buddy who lived by the bridge, but he was far too elusive for me. So far the most luck of the feline variety has been with a massive Maine Coon cat named Blue Daldon, who I am enamored with, even though, as my roommate likes to remind me, he attacks me.

Lately, I've turned my thoughts to dogs. After meeting a particularly well-behaved puppy, I remembered that not all dogs are obnoxious and stupid, and now with a mere "Hey dawg," I can make canine friends.

I think what this all boils down to is that I need something to cuddle with to be a healthy happy human being. Preferably something small and fuzzy that doesn't talk.

Speaking of fuzzy and silent, there are elks in Kentucky! Yes, elks! I think...

Apparently on top of a "reclaimed" strip job, there is an elk preserve. These elks just kind of chill up there on top of a mountain. Of course the idea that by introducing one species to a grassy area to "reclaim" an eco-system is pretty ridiculous, as are elks, who have no natural predators in this area any more ever since the wolves have gone.

I'm not actually sure I believe that there are elks in Kentucky. I saw a huge, deer-like foot print on a hike, and I spent a lot of time talking to a biologist who does things with large animal control (bears and ELK!!!!) about elk in Kentucky. Plus there's that weird deer crossing sign that looks like a cross between a buck, a moose, and a Brahmin bull. But I still sort of think that people are pulling my leg about it, sort of like snipe hunting. I won't believe it until I see it.

This weekend I went to the Morehead Fiddler's Convention. It was relaxing, inspiring, and a lot of fun. I got to spend a lot of time with people from Whitesburg, a lot of time by myself, and a lot of time with a few other Kentucky musicians. I didn't get much sleep, saw two shooting stars, square danced until I was sore, learned to waltz, and got a bass blister. All in all a good time. Something about going to a small festival where you don't really know anyone is strangely relaxing. I was content to just wander around by myself and listen. If I was with someone else, that was great too, but I spent a lot of time just soaking it all in, and I'm grateful for it.

Here is my gripe of the day. I just found out that some Oberlin students are going to be at Clifftop. Normally I would be thrilled to see these particular people, but despite the thousands of people in attendance, I just have this idea that Clifftop is MY thing. And I don't want to share, especially since I've been having a lot of negative thoughts about Oberlin lately. Sometimes I really am 6 years old again.

But I'm getting pretty good at dealing with these things. I didn't want to go to Morehead because I thought it would wear me out. I didn't want to go home for the summer because I would miss my friends. I didn't want to go back to school last February because I wanted to stay in Whitesburg. I didn't want to go to Whitesburg because I didn't want to be lonely.

But I did all those things, sucked it up, and even though the outcomes of doing all of these things that I didn't want to do were mixed (I honestly wish I hadn't gone back to school last semester...), they happened and I learned from the experience. My wise boss told me that if something doesn't make you nervous then it probably isn't worth doing (although now that I think about it, that only applies to things like going to college and interviewing people, and not things like jumping off of tall objects or having unprotected sex). And I think the nervous I'm feeling about Clifftop will make going this year more important than other years. Maybe I'll see an elk or something.

And Now For Something Completely Different

Look! I was inspired! I like satire! I wrote something!

I've been a peanut butter eater all my life, without questioning it one bit. I was weaned on peanut butter milkshakes, and made my first peanut butter and jelly sandwich at 18 months. But recently I began to question whether eating peanut butter was ethically and politically correct. How do peanut farmers treat their peanuts? Are they grass-fed? Free range? Have they been vaccinated? Is the peanut butter making process unnecessarily cruel? As they go through the grinder, do they suffer?

Even if the peanuts in my peanut butter are organic and free range, what is the environmental impact of my peanut butter habit? What kind of carbon footprint does Jif have? Does peanut growing deteriorate soil quality? And finally, how are workers on peanut farms treated? What about peanut farmers?

After much internal debate and dialogue, I concluded that I would only eat peanut butter if I could kill it myself. If I couldn't stand to do that, then I would just have to live a life without peanut butter.

So I planted some peanuts. Let them roam free and graze. No pesticides, no cages. I harvested them with my bare hands, without the help of child labor. I roasted them over a wood stove, using a tree that had fallen over in a thunderstorm. I popped open their shells, got ready to dump them in a grinder, and...

It was the most delicious peanut butter I ever had.

So to make a long story short, I still eat peanut butter. I try to purchase peanut butter made from free-range organic peanuts whenever possible, but I'm not above buying a jar of Jif when that option isn't available. I guess I would just like to encourage others to make conscientious decisions about their food choices. I'm sure glad I did.

- Janney Lockman is a 20 year old lover of all things peanut butter (except for peanut butter fudge, and peanut butter and cheese sandwiches). After a 3 year stint as a vegetarian, she has recently started eating chicken again, which was, to quote Janney, "The best decision I ever made." Janney resides in the beautiful hills of Appalachia and the vast plains of Ohio when she is not lobbying for Peanut Growers of America (PGA, for short).

This I Promise You

There has been some concern, so I would like to give myself and everyone else some peace of mind.

I Elizabeth----------, daughter of ------------- Lockman and ------------- Lockman, born on the 10th day of November in the year 1989 at the UVA hospital in Charlottesville, VA, do solemnly swear that I will complete college by the year 2013. This means 1 semester off, no shenanigans when I go back, and 4 semesters of focus.

I know that I can do it. I hope you think I can too.

(Also, I'm sorry about the *NSYNC reference in the title. I need this semester so I'll be ready to go back and start learning again so I can make more intellectual references in my blogposts, among other things).

The World Is My Oyster: In Which Janney Makes A Big Decision

I'm seeking opportunity, take me by the hand.

Show me where I'm going show me who I am.

All I need's a drop of water, I'm a seed born on the wind.

I was once a flower and I'll be a flower again. - Tea Leaf Green

This week I made a decision that I wish I had made two semesters ago. I decided to take next semester off from Oberlin. It took many conversations with my parents, a few of my older friends who had taken time off from college, and several phone calls with people from the dean of studies office to make the decision once and for all, but once I did, I felt so much better.

I've been reading so much since I've been here. For the first time in a long time, I am interested in reading books not only because they are enjoyable, but to improve my mind as well. I think reading only psychology and stats textbooks diminished my love of reading a lot, unfortunately. Here's what I've been reading before I launch into a shpeil about education and engagement in it.

Confederates in the Attic by Tony Horowitz

The World According to Garp by John Irving

Spring Snow - by some Japanese author - very sad and beautiful

Prozac Nation

Being Dead by Jim Crace

Middlesex

The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls - put my problems with my family into so much perspective... good god.

Divine Right's Trip by Gurney Norman - currently reading - sort of like the Crying of Lot 49 or Been Down So Long it Looks Like Up to Me (not that I've made it through either one of those books)

Anyway. One of the most difficult parts about deciding to take next semester off was telling my close friends at Oberlin. The only reason I wanted to go back to school this semester was to see them. And while having friends is an important part of college, it shouldn't be your only reason for being in school. If you think about it, that's sort of like paying $45,000 a year to have friends (of course there are scholarships and things that make that number a little less extreme, but you shouldn't be getting $15,ooo scholarships to support your people habit). It's been hard for me to think that I won't see 2 of my best friends for a year, since they're going abroad in the spring. I was worried that they would be mad or something. But I think that most of them saw this coming, and they have all been very supportive. I know from personal experience a couple of times this semester that it's really hard to see your friends be unhappy in school, and perhaps I was very obviously unhappy to people who spent a lot of time with me.

Actually, for the most part, everyone of my generation that I've told has been incredibly supportive and excited for me. Which is making me incredibly supportive of myself in this endeavor, and incredibly excited for what is going to happen in the coming months. I feel like the world is my oyster. I haven't figured out exactly what I'm going to do yet, but I know I will soon. I feel like I have a lot of people rooting for me in a lot of corners of the US, and that's definitely a feeling that I haven't had for a long time. This summer has reminded me that I'm actually an intelligent, funny, nice, hardworking person. Who knew? I think I got so bogged down with worry about grades and social interactions that I totally forgot. When I first got to Whitesburg, I avoided stating my opinion in a lot of conversations, because I didn't think that I had any legitimate ones, because clearly I was less intelligent than every single other person. But now I say what I think, and if I don't know something, I ask, and if I don't know what I think, I say that too. I'm reading again because I want to learn things. This weekend I went to Louisville with my roommate and purchased a book called "1000 Recordings to Hear Before You Die." And I'm going to listen to those recordings. Every single one of them. Because I want to learn about music and expand my knowledge, not for ulterior motives like sounding pretentious or because it will make me a better DJ, but because I want to know these things for my own well-being.

So I'm reading, listening, talking, running, thinking, and feeling so much better about myself, and so much happier. I think a semester off will allow me to go back to school, buckle down for the next two years, renew my love of learning, and experience aspects of the world that I feel I'm missing at Oberlin sometimes. Maybe this is an example of a positive illusion (or positive delusions, as I like to call them) that we learned about in intro psych, but I really feel like the world is my oyster as far as next semester is concerned. I mean it really isn't, I have to think about time, money, safety and health insurance (all things that I could easily be without if I screw up with my planning), but once I get those things figured out, there are so many possibilities. I think that sometimes I forget about these possibilities. I forget that I'm 20 and have years and years of learning and travel and living ahead of me. I think taking a break from school will be a healthy reminder. The world is my oyster and the learning and living starts now.

The Things I Am Learning

1. Don't start debates over facebook.

I posted a Facebook status that reflected my frustration with Oberlin students who get arrested for protesting mountain top removal (for my feelings on the subject, see previous blogposts). Surprisingly, 13 people liked it. The two people who didn't were very persistent in making their opinions known. I am glad that they did. I think I tend to look at both MTR and direct-action protests against it with a pretty critical eye. I really want to have an in-depth conversation with both of these people about MTR. But in person, and not on the internet. The internet is wonderful, but social networking sites are not an appropriate place for strong opinions (in my opinion), because so much can be misinterpreted. I'm pretty sure that both of these people think that I believe that MTR is economically good for Kentucky. Which I don't. But I also think that the issue is far more complicated than bringing a swift end to MTR and having the poor hillbillies be instantly uplifted. And the internet is one of the worst places to deal with a complicated subject.

2. Conflict with your family is really difficult.

First of all, I want to say that I'm incredibly fortunate that I've gone 20 years before I actually learned this. I've always been a good kid, my parents are fairly reasonable people for the most part, my brother and I had typical sibling battles but he's pretty great and I enjoy spending time with him. I am lucky to have such a good relationship with my family.

But lately I've been seriously considering taking time off from college so I can feel more engaged in my education when I go back, and this has started a series of difficult, frustrating conversations. I think we're at a good place now, but it was really plaguing me for a while.

3. Radio journalism is really cool.

I was able to put together a radio journalism piece about a radio program called History Alive! in around a day. So it wasn't NPR quality, but if I had had more time, it could have been a little closer. Radio journalism combines some of my favorite things (writing, radio, people, and hearing myself talk) into one art form.

I'm working on a piece right now that is going to take much longer. And it's hard, because I keep getting editing block. Doing sound editing on an interview is kind of scary. Plus, after a recent staff meeting, my duties at my internship got kicked up a notch. Besides web maintenance and radio journalism pieces, I'm hosting a web maintenance workshop (which I have to plan), and doing various and sundry things around the radio station. This doesn't sound all that time consuming, but it is.

Last Friday, I took a break from this and attended the Appalshop board meeting, so I could learn a bit about how non-profits are governed. I don't really understand Appalshop's structure very well, so it was interesting to see this small aspect of it. It was a really long meeting though, and no one seemed to get my jokes that after spending all day in a non-profit board meeting I was considering working for an oil company. This is why I am in radio, and not comedy. I definitely learned a lot from it, and it was a great opportunity to meet some of the people connected to Appalshop who don't actually work in the Appalshop building.

4. I am the kind of woman who likes other women.

So many women I know say that they don't have female friends. They don't like the drama, the jealousies, pettiness, gossiping, etc. But I just think that those women are hanging out with the wrong women. Because in the past year, both in my life at Oberlin and my life in Whitesburg, I have had the most amazing female friends. And sometimes there is drama, jealousy, pettiness, and gossip. But more often, there have been the amazing running buddies, porch conversations, karaoke duets to Aretha Franklin, hours spent sitting by (or in) a body of water, saying absolutely nothing, moral support, sage advice, and most recently, an old time hula-hooping band called "Fiddles Not Fellas."

I think many of these friendships with amazing women have been strengthened by the strangeness of males in both Oberlin and Whitesburg. In my experience, Oberlin boys are sweet and well-meaning, but awkward, and the ones who don't turn into complete messes around women are taken.

Okay, so this is maybe a harsh criticism. I really like Oberlin boys. But I don't personally do that well for myself there. There have been so many times when I have thought that some guy is going to kiss me, and he doesn't, and even more times when I thought someone was gay, only to discover that they weren't when they start kissing me. But maybe the problem is me in this situation. Anyway, back to Whitesburg.

Even though I think I'm a fairly attractive human being and have been told by other people that I am a fairly attractive human being, I rarely get hit on by anyone who is younger than 60. This actually isn't a big problem for me. I've learned to deal with this fairly well, I think.

In Whitesburg, this isn't the case at all. At first it was flattering when I parked my car by the bar and had 2 men offer to carry my bass. After nearly 3 months of living in Whitesburg, it's gotten old. Women who are new in town are, to use a technical term, "hot shit." My friends are very attractive people, but I think the novelty factor has a lot to do with this phenomena of constant male attention and almost suffocating chivalry.

But once again, I have some great male friends in Whitesburg. It's definitely kind of fun going to Summit City with my female friends and flirting, having guys open doors for you, etc.

I still think I would have formed these wonderful friendships with women if it weren't for the awkwardness of Oberlin boys, and the boldness of Whitesburg men. These women are smart, talented, funny, nice, interesting, creative, beautiful people, and all kinds of other good adjectives.

5. I am so fortunate.

My life is by no means perfect. But there are people in my life who respect my opinion enough to engage in debates with me, I've gotten along with my parents pretty well for the past 20 years, I have a great internship in a town I love, have amazing women in my life, and I am intelligent enough to learn from my experiences.

PB and J at 6 am: Tales from the Brink of Insomnia

From time to time in my life, I have suffered from insomnia. It usually happens in the beginning of winter. I fall asleep around midnight, and then at 3 or 4 am BAM! I am wide awake with no promise of ever sleeping again. So I leave my dorm room, try not to wake my roommate, do some crunches in the hall, or go down to the lounge and join the other insomniacs in my dorm. But when I'm the only one who can't sleep in the house, I usually float from sleeping space to sleeping space until I find one that knocks me out.

I have a confession to make. I've sort of stopped sleeping since coming to Kentucky. Okay, this is a bit of a lie. But I can count the number of nights I've gotten more than 6 hours of sleep in the last 2 weeks on 1 hand and 2 fingers. Guaranteed, not all of it is due to being wide awake at 4 or 5 or 6 am. Probably half of this sleep loss is due to the fact that I'm spending so much time with people. I'll go to Summit City, then go to someone's apartment after it closes, hang out until 2:30 or 3 or sometimes 4 (oops...), go home, go to sleep, wake up at 8 and go to work. This isn't insomnia. This is stupidity.

But the other times, I go to bed at a decent hour, fall asleep, and wake up too early for my alarm, unable to go back to sleep. On these occasions, I go downstairs, pack my lunch (this morning it is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich), read a couple pages of whatever book I'm reading (currently Jim Crace's Being Dead), and fall asleep for a couple hours on the couch and wake up feeling more rested, but also kind of messed up. Couches are for people who are drunk and can't drive home, people who have been sexiled, people who are couch surfing. I have a large bed, a roommate who doesn't sexile me, and don't wake up at 4 am and decide that it's a good idea to do a couple of shots by myself then fall into a drunken stupor. I just can't sleep.

I really hate this. I would give anything to go to bed at a normal time and wake up with my alarm, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. But it just ain't happening. I think insomnia is usually a negative thing, but for me it's lately been a result of excitement and scheming and heat. This morning I woke up and couldn't stop thinking about my radio show I'm doing in 2 hours. Other times I've been plotting my weekend plans, or ideas for the radio station, or what I'm going to do with my life. I rarely have insomnia when I'm feeling depressed. It's always when I feel like my life is full of possibility, like at the beginning of a semester, or like right now, when I'm busy planning radio journalism stories, what songs I'm going to play on my show, or whether or not I'm going to break my fear of vinyl by playing that Violent Femmes record my friend gave me on my radio show.

I also have this weird idea that insomnia makes me more interesting as an artist. And I don't consider myself an artist at all. But I feel like famous writers, painters, musicians etc. were always alcoholics, drug addicts, manic depressives, nymphomaniacs, or insomniacs. There's no glamour in addiction or mental illness, but something about not needing to sleep appeals to me. When I was 16 and in the peak of my "I'm not going to sleep, I'm going to stay up all night talking to boys" phase (which I have since outgrown, I think...), I did a little basic math and found out that if you sleep for 8 hours every night, you're sleeping 1/3 of your life away. My solution of course, was to not sleep. But this isn't sustainable and leads to stress and the haggard look that I'm trying to make disappear before my parents come to visit, and random bouts of crying for no good reason. Life started to catch up with me, and now I'm the kind of person who really needs 8 hours of sleep a night to avoid turning into a complete and total bitch. But because this doesn't seem to be the case any more, I think that maybe I am like one of those crazy artists and on the brink of the great American novel or Citizen's Correspondent Corps journalism piece or even just the great American radio show. Or maybe I'm just so excited to be alive right now, that I don't really want to sleep when I could be talking, reading, or blogging.

Life Will Be Uncertain, Life Will Be Uncertain: and June and July

My 2nd stay in Whitesburg has given me a new mantra: Life will be uncertain, life will be uncertain, life will uncertain. My first weekend here, I found this really difficult to accept. As a self-described sentimental fool about places and people, it pains me to make friends and move on and think that they won't be a part of my life any more. But as an adventurous people-loving person, I know that I'm going to have to get over this to avoid getting stuck in a rut. Sometimes when I am at Oberlin or at home, I think that it would be really comforting to just finish school, find some man in West Virginia or Kentucky who was looking for a wife, and settle down and make babies. But I don't feel like that when I'm in Whitesburg at all.

I've been here for about a month, and a recap of everything I've been into would be time consuming, incriminating, and frankly, kind of boring. So I'll just make a few key points and not even attempt to play catch up.

1. I have friends! The first time I was here, there really weren't that many people for me to hang out with, and I honestly needed to spend that month learning about myself by myself free of social distractions.

But friends are nice. My housemates, my co-workers, people I've met at Summit City, people who come into town for events. And while the amount of sleep I've gotten here is inversely proportionate to the amount of friends I have here, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

2. Many of my friends are 4-8 years older than me. Many of them haven't taken the college-grad school-career-family route that I sometimes feel is expected of someone like me. They've been in and out of jobs and school. And they're doing fine. You don't have to finish college in four years then jump straight to grad school to be a successful, interesting person.

3. Which brings me to the biggest thing I've been thinking about. I'm not sure if Oberlin is right for me anymore. While I think it was wonderful for me my freshman year, I've started to feel lately like it's closing in around me and trapping me in a path of low self-confidence, high stress, and frustration with the people around me. This is a bit melodramatic, but the way I feel when I am at Oberlin and the way I feel when I am in the "real world" are so drastically different that I'm starting to wonder if Oberlin is still right for me.

This is not to say that I don't think that Oberlin is a good school, or that the people there are bad people. My friends at Oberlin have been nothing short of amazing. But I'm just not feeling it anymore.

4. And that's okay. Because I feel like it's more important for me to take my time finishing school and maybe get some experience doing minimum wage jobs living in a strange town, or traveling and exploring than for me to continue at Oberlin feeling lukewarm about the things that I am doing. I don't really believe that college will be the best time of my life, but I also want to be in a state of mind where I feel like I can take advantage of the opportunities I want to take advantage of and enjoy learning, and I'm not really sure if I'm there anymore.

5. I didn't intend for this to be a complain about Oberlin post. Complaint department closed.

6. While in Whitesburg, I have...

Helped build a stage with wood and nails and power tools

Hauled hay, chairs, tables, people

Used my Research Methods in Psychology knowledge to help write a survey

Learned to two-step

Realized that I have a really good work ethic. When did that happen?

Spent a ridiculous amount of time in a bar

Spent more time relaxing and just doing nothing than I have in the past four years. Seriously.

Gotten what I wanted more than I deserved.

Done so much radio.

Renovated a website.

Learned to navigate Adobe Audition.

Helped a friend move.

Gotten attacked by a Maine Coon cat.

Lifted things I didn't think I could lift, gone on hikes I didn't think I could finish.

E-mailed a community radio station in Southern India.

Told other people what to do, and had them actually do it.

Travelled to Lexington.

Schmoozed.

Started running again.

Found $50.

And so much more. I am in my element here. I'm having new experiences, learning new things, and living. And even though life will be uncertain, when I am doing my own thing and living on my own, I feel that I am fully capable of handling the uncertainties.

A Conclusion of Sorts?

After narrowly avoiding a really nasty car accident on snow-covered roads (for those of you unfamiliar with my driving record, I have had awful driving luck in the past year, especially in the snow, and admit that I am a terrible driver), and looking at the weather over the next few days, I have decided to once again leave a place a few days early to beat the snow. This time I am going from my home in Green Bank, West Virginia, back to Oberlin, Ohio, to start my fourth semester at Oberlin, my second semester as a psychology major, my first semester as a Harkness-dweller, and what will hopefully be my first semester as a WOBC programmer. I'm feeling slightly adrift after coming back from Kentucky, sleeping in my old bed, re-reading my old diaries, consuming far too much peanut butter, and living with three other people who I've known my entire life. I'm not ready to go back to Oberlin yet, but I also need to leave home again. So on Thursday morning, I'll stuff everything back into the Subaru, head cautiously North, and hope that there will be a bed and some friendly faces waiting on the other end.

I think my winter term was pretty durn cool, but when I read other Obies' winter term blogs, or look at other Obies' photos, I think "Why didn't I bike to Kentucky?" or "Why didn't I do this in French," or "Why didn't I camp out in a tree protesting MTR, talk to Governor Manchin, finish knitting my sweater, AND master banjo, bass and nose-flute?" The sad truth (as I've learned from re-reading my 4th grade and 12th grade diaries) is that I'm always going to compare myself to other people, I'm always going to be a perfectionist, I'm always going to have difficulty making decisions, and I'm always going to quit something when I've bitten off more than I can chew. The last quality is something that I think is pretty rare in Oberlin students, and also the reason I didn't finish my sweater. But I digress.

I might not have learned a foreign language, spoken with any politicians, helped sick children, learned a musical instrument, or gotten in incredible physical condition, but I did conquer my fear of the "real world." I have always had a deep feeling that everything is going to be okay. In intro psych, I learned that many people have these kinds of beliefs, and they're not necessarily true. But I still think that they are, and here's why:

1. It sounds so silly and obvious, but I have learned from my month in Kentucky that being an adult doesn't make you wise, all-knowing or infallible. This is not to say that the adults I was surrounded by were terribly flawed human beings. Because I was being treated as an adult, and essentially was (am?) an adult, I saw other adults differently than I see my parents, my parents' friends or professors. Instead of scaring me half to death, this revelation was incredibly reassuring. Because if adults are capable of holding down jobs, going to grad school, starting businesses, and raising children, then so am I.

2. I grew up in a small town. In small towns, when you are sick, people hold spaghetti dinners to help pay your medical expenses. In small towns when you are new, people go out of their way to be kind to you. In small towns when you are hungry, people want to feed you. In small towns when you go off to college in a slightly bigger town, go to an even bigger small town for a month and write a blog about it, people take time from their day to read that blog, and even tune in to your morning radio show.

Small towns aren't perfect, and I could also discuss the gossip, poverty, isolation, and other problems that go along with them. I know that entering the real world through an unfamiliar small town could be just as scary as entering it through a big town. But I do know that once I am a part of that small town, I will have a safety net.

3. (SENTIMENTAL CHEESE ALERT!!!) People are my favorite thing in the world. I love people, and I am fortunate enough to have people that love me back. These people live all over the continental United States, and I'm sure if I think about it, a few of these people also live outside of the country. Now some of these people are in Kentucky.

4. I'm not afraid of floating around a little bit until I find my place. I'm not afraid of using networking to find opportunities. I'm not afraid of driving strange places on tires that may or may not need more air. I'm not afraid of calling someone to ask for directions because I am lost on a back road. I'm not afraid of going to bars by myself. I am afraid of driving in the snow, jumping off of high things, and tube slides, but there are more things that I am not afraid of. And the "real world" is now one of them.

I know it will take some stumbling around in the dark looking for the string to turn on the lightbulb in my cold cold apartment and some (gulp) failure before I find my way, but I will find it.

A Different Part of Appalachia

Due to predicted bad weather, I ended up returning to Green Bank yesterday instead of on Saturday. I am not exactly happy about this. I didn't get to say goodbye to several people, and was hoping for a last hurrah, either in the form of a late-night jam, a Kentucky road adventure, moonshine, or all of the above (I'm just kidding about the moonshine, Mom). Right now my inner-selfish-child is saying: "It better snow at least a foot!"

Over the next few posts I'm going to kind of decompress and write about some things that I left out. Here are just a few thoughts that I've been having.

1. Most ironic sight: White pick-up trucks covered in black dust with "Friends of Coal" bumper stickers. And I saw at least two.

2. Accents: Why are Americans biased against accents? We enjoy talking about our backgrounds and where our ancestors came from, but the minute someone opens their mouth and out comes a strong accent, we write the person off as being stupid. While using incorrect English along with that accent doesn't add a lot to a person's credibility, and it's important that other people are able to understand you, I see nothing wrong with regional accents. More on this later.

3. Coal: I am firmly against mountain top removal. And I find it hard to believe that people said that Obama was the anti-Christ, when there are men like Don Blankenship, the CEO of Massey Energy, in this world. The business practices, especially in relation to hiring and firing, as well as the entire process of surface mining show an utter disregard for the people, land, and culture of Appalachia. The switch from underground to surface mining has left many people jobless. I don't think that we should be dependent on coal for energy, and don't believe the "clean coal" idea, but I also don't think that we should bring a swift end to the entire coal industry. The only idea that I have is to stop doing mountain top removal, put the people who are currently working at MTR sites into work building wind farms or doing underground mining until we can wean ourselves completely off coal.

But I'm just an idealistic enviro, I guess. What I've seen from spending time in Eastern Kentucky is that this issue isn't black and white. You have people who can't drink the water, people who are being fed information that mine-related job loss is caused by "enviros" (to quote Don Blankenship), and people who are completely oblivious. I honestly feel deeply uncomfortable with direct action protests, but I feel even more uncomfortable with violence against these protestors, and the coal companies that break the law. I'm proud of myself, because instead of just jumping to the "coal is evil" conclusion that I feel is pushed upon people at Oberlin, I tried to gain a more informed opinion by reading, watching, and talking with people who are affected by the coal industry every day. Ever since coming to Oberlin I have found myself playing Devil's conservative Advocate because sometimes I feel like there is a lack of debate. I'm sure it's as obnoxious as hell. But this is a topic that I'm glad I questioned. Because now I am much better informed, and hopefully can find a way that I can contribute to help my home state out of this vicious cycle of exploitation.

4. The Pick and Bow after-school program is the greatest. It puts rental instruments in the hands of middle schoolers, gives them kind, patient, funny, and incredibly tolerant instructors who are incidentally excellent musicians. Sure half of the guitar players actually want to play metal or punk. Sure the kids have the attention span of a goldfish and make fart jokes and run around, but they are fascinating. Like the kid that played a few chords and then suggested that we talk out our differences. I learned a lot from trying to help them learn. I have been inspired to practice more and get better at instruments so I can actually teach. Showing people how to play musical instruments is so rewarding.

I also had a blast jamming afterwards with the guys who teach the program. I'm definitely not really good enough at banjo to play it with other people yet, but I was pushed out of my comfort zone and learned a lot from it. I even sang "Mole in the Ground" in my awful, terrible, banjo playing voice in front of people I had known for less than a month. Old time music is powerful.

Visiting, Flow, and Basketball

I am currently watching the UK basketball game (since being here I have developed a slight affection for Kentucky basketball) and taking a break from knitting. Here's what I've been up to:

I visit people now! This weekend I went to Dugannon, Virginia where some of the people I work with live on an old farm by the Clinch River. We went hiking, cooked a delicious meal, and played a lot of music. Several families own houses on the farm and spend time there when they can. It was beautiful, and so nice to have other people cook for me. I learned how to make risotto and learned a couple of Kentucky banjo tunes.

Then yesterday evening I went to visit a friend who lives in Knott County, on what might be the highest concentration of musical talent in a couple acre radius in Kentucky. Okay, I probably exaggerate. But the farm is owned by George Gibson, one of the local old time music greats, and the people living in the houses there currently not only run the Pick and Bow after school program, but are members of several old time bands and spend much of their time playing music. When we are much older, they will be the old time music greats. They already are.

I finally got to participate in the Pick and Bow program, and actually ended up helping teach guitar (something that I am highly under-qualified to do, considering I haven't touched a guitar in about a year and a half). The kids liked my "Easter Bunny Got Drunk After Easter" rhyme for remembering the names of the strings.

While in Virginia, I was told to pick up a banjo and show my hosts what I could play. Uhhh... pressure.... I am very shy about playing by myself, much less playing banjo, an instrument that I love, yet continue to be stymied by, by myself. But it turned into a jam session of sorts. I played banjo, with a fiddle and a guitar. And while it was a bit rough on my part, I didn't get too lost, and learned a couple new tunes. Later, while jamming Spotted Pony on my bass, I achieved flow (Ethnomusicology Participatory Music terminology alert!!!). But if you've ever played music with other people, or done anything you really enjoy, you know what I mean. It's when you get completely lost in the music, communicating through notes in a tune. And it's a beautiful beautiful experience.

But back to the game. And back to enjoying my last days in Kentucky.

Wait, You Mean I Only Have A Week Left?

One thing about the coal industry:

Last night I watched the debate between Don Blankenship (CEO of Massey Energy) and Robert Kennedy about the future of the coal industry in Appalachia (WV in particular). Let me just say that it was excellent, and it is a shame that more people inside and outside of Appalachia didn't see it. I will refrain from stating any opinions except that it was the best debate I have ever seen, and possibly will be the debate of my lifetime.

Skills:

I recently learned how to use Adobe Audition, and have been doing sound editing on cds of concerts of the Cowan Creek Music School, a workshop that sounds sort of like Letcher County's Allegheny Echoes. I'm learning how to take out the "p pops," change sound levels and make the recordings into short radio programs. I get to listen to great concerts and all the banter, make them sound even better by removing annoying tongue clicks, raising soft voices, and cutting out people dropping things. My inner perfectionist is singing right now.

I have come to accept the fact that I probably won't finish getting meta-data for the entire music library. I am on Local Bluegrass right now, about halfway through the entire database, and have a week left. And you'd better believe I won't spend my last week at Appalshop wading through it. It is hard for me to not finish something I started though. I think this just means I will have to come back.

People:

I have made an effort not to talk about people or mention individuals in this blog. In a small town, people talk about other people enough without me adding to it. I have been made to feel very welcome to Whitesburg by many people. I like small towns, and I like this one partly because this is not my small town, and therefore, people don't know all of my business (well actually they do, but they don't have information about me from nearly two decades to compare it to, like the people in Pocahontas County do).

Fun:

Summit City Open Mic Night. Heck yes. So when I went this time, I got so caught up in talking that I forgot to play. I actually forgot to play. Although I did here some new jokes that some of the old timers told, which is an equally valid part of Appalachian culture. It's great meeting people who are closer to my age who care as much about Appalachian culture and music as I do, and want to talk about it as much as I do. I know a lot of other young people who feel similarly from previous music experiences (I almost typed my previous life... and that is sort of how it feels to me right now), but we didn't necessarily sit down and talk about it for hours.

I'm not trying to belittle anyone's religious experiences by this comparison, but I truly feel like I have made some kind of pilgrimage and Appalshop is Mecca. Steven Colbert's recent show talked about Mountain top removal and called Appalachians the one remaining group that everyone feels comfortable making fun of. And that is very true. I have met many people who could be poster children for political correctness, who would never make homophobic, racist or sexist comments, or misuse the word oppression, yet have no qualms about making hillbilly jokes.

I find myself wishing I had been born a couple years earlier, not so I could drink beer at Summit City while having these conversations, but so I could have met some of the older West Virginia musicians like Woody Simmons who are no longer with us. It seems like many of them were dying by the time I stopped thinking that old time music was lame. I will just have to spend as much time as possible with the ones who are still around.

School:

I also ended up talking to someone who had spent a good deal of time in Oberlin but not as a student about the school. We spent a long time talking about what a weird place it is. And I love Oberlin and the conversation made me miss it, but Oberlin is a really weird place. The Oberlin bubble really messes with your concept of the world, and the fact that the school is in the middle of what is actually a pretty impoverished area of small towns makes it even stranger.

I'm not going to lie, I am not looking forward to going back to college. And I definitely never thought that I would want to be one of those people. You know the ones. They leave college after a couple of semesters because they don't really feel like they are doing anything worthwhile for the world there. I have a couple of friends who did this, and it sounds like they are doing pretty well. I'm not going to leave school, because I know that for the kind of work that I think I want to do, a college education is incredibly valuable. So for the next 5 semesters (the fact that it is only 5 used to scare me, but I'm not so sure anymore), I am going to work on finishing my psychology major, get a radio show, take classes that will give me skills to be a kick-ass non-profit worker (in my mind that includes Econ, finishing statistics, more politics classes, and a few more paper-heavy classes), and if I have the time between that, finding a job or volunteer somewhere that will put me in contact with people who are not 18-22. I wish I could muster up more enthusiasm for returning to school. At this point, I am the most excited about seeing my friends again and not having to cook for myself all the time. But I think I will feel differently once I am back. I didn't want to go home, and I was fine there. I didn't want to go to Kentucky, and I'm having an amazing experience. If this pattern continues and I can adjust my attitude, this will be the best semester ever.

But at the moment, I don't really want to go back.