It has come to my attention recently (okay, like 2 hours ago when I was almost hit by a bicycle crossing the street that was turning right on red) that the vast majority of people in motion in Oberlin are complete idiots. Okay, maybe not just in Oberlin. Probably in the rest of the world too. You text in the crosswalks, tailgate people on your bicycles on sidewalks, you honk your horns unnecessarily. While I can't claim to be the best pedestrian/cyclist/motorist, I have managed to live for 23 years, so clearly I am an expert on the subject.
The following are some tips that I have for not dying/not harming anyone else while in motion. Read it, it's for ya health. #YODO (You Only Die Once) and you don't want to die because you ran a red light on your bicycle. These tips address things that make me incredibly cranky/have almost injured me/lead me to almost injuring someone. Let's start with the most basic mode of transit: the walk.
Pedestrians:
Congratulations! In the USA, you legally have the right of way. In reality, there are regional differences as to whether or not someone is going to actually give you the right of way. Not to mention the fact that cars weigh like 400 times more than you. If you do chose to assert your right of way, remember that just because cars aren't supposed to run you over, doesn't mean that you should cross the street while texting on a green light like a dumbass.
Bicyclists:
Yes, I know that you are moving faster than me on my feet and are better for the environment than me in my car. But stop being so smug and start following the rules. Even though you are more eco-friendly and less deadly than a car, you still should behave like one. Would you be upset if you saw someone driving their car on a crowded sidewalk? Then don't ride your bike on the sidewalk, especially when you're biking in flipping Oberlin Ohio where there isn't really any traffic and there are also bike lanes on certain streets. If you're too scared to bike on the road, then you should probably be walking. To those bicyclists who do bike on the road, keep up the good work. Just don't run red lights because I've definitely seen a cop car pull over a bicyclist who ran a red light. Also, if you are taking a legal right on a red light, make sure there are no pedestrians that are over halfway across the street that you end up scaring half to death. Don't be a jerk like the brazen hussy who almost ran me down today in front of the Con.
Motorists:
Being a motorist in Oberlin is frustrating, mostly because there are so many morons on foot and on bicycle. Instead of wielding our power for the bad we must be generous with our time, and hope that our patience with dumbasses of all modes of transit with result in great rewards in heaven, like gas that is only 99 cents a gallon. Also, if you are behind someone and they are going slower than you in a town where the speed limit is 35, please don't tailgate or honk your horn. They could be driving that slowly because their car is broken, they are drunk, or because they had to wake up at 5:35 in the morning to go to work and they have an irrational fear that the road will be icy.
So, YODO and YOLO folks. You don't want to die because you were jaywalking in an ice storm and you only live once, so you don't want to spend it dealing with the guilt of the time you broke someone's leg because you were biking on the flipping SIDEWALK like a imbecile. So don't be a dumbass and don't be a jerk, and we all can get along just fine.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Horrorscopes December 2012
What people are saying about Horrorscopes:
"My Horrorscope for November was spot on. And you should trust me because I'm an astronomer." Lou, 43, a totally non-fictional astronomer
"Horrorscopes perfectly capture the crippling feelings of uncertainty of every day life that I was merely able to attempt with my hit single "Stars are Blind." If only all amateur astrologers could be so honest." - Paris Hilton
Sagittarius:
Happy birthday half-horse half-dude thing! Unfortunately, you will spend most of it doing damage control from when you found out the hard way that Cyber Monday has nothing to do with sex. You might want to send everyone you accidentally sent lewd pictures to a note of apology. Just don't do it via GChat or you might find yourself with a restraining order.
Lucky numbers: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Capricorn:
Jesus might have been a Capricorn (actually he was probs born in the spring but w/e) but that doesn't mean everyone likes Christmas music as much as you do. Maybe you should turn down the volume on Little Drummer Boy when you drive past the neighborhood synagogue (and my house) with the windows rolled down.
On the 1st, you will find your dental floss and remember to floss your teeth.
Aquarius:
Why do people find the holidays so stressful? Oh because they do all the work. This year, don't stress, just show up. Do the dishes or something. People will admire your aura of calm and try to spill all the family secrets to you. When they do that, grab the bottle of Manischewitz that your grandmother inexplicably keeps in her coat closet and chug it. If they reveal uncomfortable secrets about someone's paternity, you'll be too hammered to remember!
Lucky number: 867-5309
Pisces:
I see you picking up discarded cigarette cartons you pass on the ground, checking to see if they're not empty then throwing them back down when they are. Here's a tip: they probably are and if they aren't they probably had strangers' hands on them. Smoking is gross enough as it is, leave the packs alone, or if you insist on checking, put them in the trashcan afterwards. A better way to get free cigarettes is to bum them from that asthmatic cutie who sits behind you in class and sounds like they're hacking up a lung every time they cough.
On the 31st you will make plans to quit a bad habit
Aries:
You're going to have a month full of parties and dancing in exciting locations. Check out a club or two over the holidays. Go to that awkward party in your high school classmate's parents' basement. See how many rooms you can push to capacity. Have fun, but whatever you do, do not Google "disco fires."
Lucky number: However many fire escapes there are in the building
Taurus:
Your cooking abilities are getting better all the time. However, don't get cocky when dealing with raw meat and eggs. If you think the vomiting that occurred the night after you made deep fried salmon cakes was just a coincidence, think again. Invest in a meat thermometer when you're cooking the holiday turkey, or you could end up with salmonella. Again.
Lucky number: 400 degrees
Gemini:
The weather is getting colder in the Northern Hemisphere. Know what that means? It's time to find a Winter Boyfriend/Girlfriend. The ideal Winter Boyfriend/Girlfriend will have a large bed, lots of body hair, and Netflix. You will choose wisely this year.
Watch out for people dressed as Santa Claus on the 26th. They're probably really confused.
Cancer:
The fact that you will have one of the best holiday seasons of your life does not negate the fact that the name of your zodiac sign has such horrible connotations.
Lucky numbers: 31 1
Leo:
I know you are afraid that someone is going to put an engagement ring in your food and you will choke on it. However, this fear is irrational if you are in fact single. If you're dating someone, take small bites of anything edible they give you. Chew slowly too because I've heard it hurts like the dickens when you bite into someone's dead grandmother's engagement ring.
On the night 4th of December you will have a weirdest dream ever and wake up on the morning of the 5th unable to remember it. Better luck next time.
Virgo:
Last month was really great, but you were also kind of an asshole because you didn't show up to Scorpio's birthday party. You should probably grovel or bake them a cake or something. Only God can judge you.
Lucky numbers: 333 X 2
Libra:
As the great Justin Timberlake once said "What goes around comes around comes around karma karma baby back around." If you had kind of a boring November, it's not because you did anything wrong. It was probably because of one of your past lives. I'd suggest sacrificing a goat and volunteering to water your neighbor's Christmas tree while they're on vacation would be sufficient penance to guarantee a more exciting new year.
On the 15th someone will give you the best nickname of your life.
Scorpio:
I know you've been burdened with the weight of your genius recently, but you've been staying up too late. Even though you hate to relax and are way too sexy to do that anyway, you should try it. Maybe start by not drinking a pot of coffee after dinner. This month might kind of suck but you'd better enjoy it because #YOLO
On the 21st the world might end. You should probably wait to turn in all of your finals until the 22nd, just in case.
"My Horrorscope for November was spot on. And you should trust me because I'm an astronomer." Lou, 43, a totally non-fictional astronomer
"Horrorscopes perfectly capture the crippling feelings of uncertainty of every day life that I was merely able to attempt with my hit single "Stars are Blind." If only all amateur astrologers could be so honest." - Paris Hilton
Sagittarius:
Happy birthday half-horse half-dude thing! Unfortunately, you will spend most of it doing damage control from when you found out the hard way that Cyber Monday has nothing to do with sex. You might want to send everyone you accidentally sent lewd pictures to a note of apology. Just don't do it via GChat or you might find yourself with a restraining order.
Lucky numbers: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Capricorn:
Jesus might have been a Capricorn (actually he was probs born in the spring but w/e) but that doesn't mean everyone likes Christmas music as much as you do. Maybe you should turn down the volume on Little Drummer Boy when you drive past the neighborhood synagogue (and my house) with the windows rolled down.
On the 1st, you will find your dental floss and remember to floss your teeth.
Aquarius:
Why do people find the holidays so stressful? Oh because they do all the work. This year, don't stress, just show up. Do the dishes or something. People will admire your aura of calm and try to spill all the family secrets to you. When they do that, grab the bottle of Manischewitz that your grandmother inexplicably keeps in her coat closet and chug it. If they reveal uncomfortable secrets about someone's paternity, you'll be too hammered to remember!
Lucky number: 867-5309
Pisces:
I see you picking up discarded cigarette cartons you pass on the ground, checking to see if they're not empty then throwing them back down when they are. Here's a tip: they probably are and if they aren't they probably had strangers' hands on them. Smoking is gross enough as it is, leave the packs alone, or if you insist on checking, put them in the trashcan afterwards. A better way to get free cigarettes is to bum them from that asthmatic cutie who sits behind you in class and sounds like they're hacking up a lung every time they cough.
On the 31st you will make plans to quit a bad habit
Aries:
You're going to have a month full of parties and dancing in exciting locations. Check out a club or two over the holidays. Go to that awkward party in your high school classmate's parents' basement. See how many rooms you can push to capacity. Have fun, but whatever you do, do not Google "disco fires."
Lucky number: However many fire escapes there are in the building
Taurus:
Your cooking abilities are getting better all the time. However, don't get cocky when dealing with raw meat and eggs. If you think the vomiting that occurred the night after you made deep fried salmon cakes was just a coincidence, think again. Invest in a meat thermometer when you're cooking the holiday turkey, or you could end up with salmonella. Again.
Lucky number: 400 degrees
Gemini:
The weather is getting colder in the Northern Hemisphere. Know what that means? It's time to find a Winter Boyfriend/Girlfriend. The ideal Winter Boyfriend/Girlfriend will have a large bed, lots of body hair, and Netflix. You will choose wisely this year.
Watch out for people dressed as Santa Claus on the 26th. They're probably really confused.
Cancer:
The fact that you will have one of the best holiday seasons of your life does not negate the fact that the name of your zodiac sign has such horrible connotations.
Lucky numbers: 31 1
Leo:
I know you are afraid that someone is going to put an engagement ring in your food and you will choke on it. However, this fear is irrational if you are in fact single. If you're dating someone, take small bites of anything edible they give you. Chew slowly too because I've heard it hurts like the dickens when you bite into someone's dead grandmother's engagement ring.
On the night 4th of December you will have a weirdest dream ever and wake up on the morning of the 5th unable to remember it. Better luck next time.
Virgo:
Last month was really great, but you were also kind of an asshole because you didn't show up to Scorpio's birthday party. You should probably grovel or bake them a cake or something. Only God can judge you.
Lucky numbers: 333 X 2
Libra:
As the great Justin Timberlake once said "What goes around comes around comes around karma karma baby back around." If you had kind of a boring November, it's not because you did anything wrong. It was probably because of one of your past lives. I'd suggest sacrificing a goat and volunteering to water your neighbor's Christmas tree while they're on vacation would be sufficient penance to guarantee a more exciting new year.
On the 15th someone will give you the best nickname of your life.
Scorpio:
I know you've been burdened with the weight of your genius recently, but you've been staying up too late. Even though you hate to relax and are way too sexy to do that anyway, you should try it. Maybe start by not drinking a pot of coffee after dinner. This month might kind of suck but you'd better enjoy it because #YOLO
On the 21st the world might end. You should probably wait to turn in all of your finals until the 22nd, just in case.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Nothing Short of Thankful
I'd like to hope that I show my gratitude frequently enough that Thanksgiving is not the only day that I acknowledge how fortunate/privileged/lucky/blessed I am. But it's that time of year and I've been having a lot of Thoughts that need to manifest in the form of Words. Plus I read my friend Zoe's list of things she was thankful for and might have gotten a little dust in my eye when she talked about her family (what can I say, mimicry is the highest form of flattery amirite?). So here is a poorly introduced list of things I'm thankful for.
1. I'm thankful that I am an American.
Yes. I know that's not what you expected to see first on this list. I am a liberal, hairy (sometimes) well-educated well-traveled feminist Fabulachian bad-ass. I have many feelings about the way our system of governance works and many of them are not positive. I've been known to say that I hate most Americans.
But gosh darnit, if I don't love the United States of America. I love that our national bird is a carrion eater. I love that beer companies make patriotic cans in the summer. I love the islands of Hawaii, the green mountains of West Virginia, the deserts of Utah, the clusterfuck that is the mid-Atlantic, the red soil in East Tennessee, the tight hollers of Kentucky, the vast loneliness of the Great Lakes in winter, and even the way Ohio looks when it's cloudy. I love that we all have silly accents and we don't have mandatory military service and have free education but get so pissy about paying our taxes. I don't think we're the best nation in the world, but this is where I'm from. Even when my throat is sore from cursing politicians and my eyes are watery from hearing about health issues caused by environmental devastation and my heart is heavy because there's nothing I can do to fix it all, this is my home and I'm gonna do my best by it.
2. I'm thankful that I'm single.
Not because I'm having the wildest best time ever! (Because I'm not). But because I'm preparing to head into a fairly uncertain time in my life, and I'm glad that I won't have to take into account the future of another person when I make my decisions.
3. I'm thankful for my education.
More and more I'm realizing how much I've learned at Oberlin. I can write well and think critically, which is unfortunately not something that everyone knows how to do.
4. I'm thankful for my family.
Y'all have supported me even when I stopped saying "yous guys" and started saying "y'all" because "y'all" isn't gendered but also because I moved to Kentucky. I don't know if I've turned out the way you expected, but I'm turning out and it couldn't have happened without you. Plus you've supported me mentally, emotionally, and financially. In a month I will have so much more time for you.
5. I'm thankful for my friends
This world is a hard place and I have a natural tendency to deal with it all on my own. But you won't let me do it. When I'm trying to spend the night in my house and in my head sewing, you text me and ask me if I want to get a drink. You're there when I leave my house and there physically or in spirit when I get home. You're in so many different states and countries and places that I haven't been to. I drew a cartoon at the beginning of the summer of a girl trying to hold together pieces of her heart that are being pulled all across the country. But you're pushing back and everything is still in one piece. You all inspire me constantly with your kindness, intelligence, creativity, humor, conscientiousness, and love. And because I have had you in my life, I realize that I must be a pretty decent person too.
1. I'm thankful that I am an American.
Yes. I know that's not what you expected to see first on this list. I am a liberal, hairy (sometimes) well-educated well-traveled feminist Fabulachian bad-ass. I have many feelings about the way our system of governance works and many of them are not positive. I've been known to say that I hate most Americans.
But gosh darnit, if I don't love the United States of America. I love that our national bird is a carrion eater. I love that beer companies make patriotic cans in the summer. I love the islands of Hawaii, the green mountains of West Virginia, the deserts of Utah, the clusterfuck that is the mid-Atlantic, the red soil in East Tennessee, the tight hollers of Kentucky, the vast loneliness of the Great Lakes in winter, and even the way Ohio looks when it's cloudy. I love that we all have silly accents and we don't have mandatory military service and have free education but get so pissy about paying our taxes. I don't think we're the best nation in the world, but this is where I'm from. Even when my throat is sore from cursing politicians and my eyes are watery from hearing about health issues caused by environmental devastation and my heart is heavy because there's nothing I can do to fix it all, this is my home and I'm gonna do my best by it.
2. I'm thankful that I'm single.
Not because I'm having the wildest best time ever! (Because I'm not). But because I'm preparing to head into a fairly uncertain time in my life, and I'm glad that I won't have to take into account the future of another person when I make my decisions.
3. I'm thankful for my education.
More and more I'm realizing how much I've learned at Oberlin. I can write well and think critically, which is unfortunately not something that everyone knows how to do.
4. I'm thankful for my family.
Y'all have supported me even when I stopped saying "yous guys" and started saying "y'all" because "y'all" isn't gendered but also because I moved to Kentucky. I don't know if I've turned out the way you expected, but I'm turning out and it couldn't have happened without you. Plus you've supported me mentally, emotionally, and financially. In a month I will have so much more time for you.
5. I'm thankful for my friends
This world is a hard place and I have a natural tendency to deal with it all on my own. But you won't let me do it. When I'm trying to spend the night in my house and in my head sewing, you text me and ask me if I want to get a drink. You're there when I leave my house and there physically or in spirit when I get home. You're in so many different states and countries and places that I haven't been to. I drew a cartoon at the beginning of the summer of a girl trying to hold together pieces of her heart that are being pulled all across the country. But you're pushing back and everything is still in one piece. You all inspire me constantly with your kindness, intelligence, creativity, humor, conscientiousness, and love. And because I have had you in my life, I realize that I must be a pretty decent person too.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Horrorscopes: The Month of November
Scorpio:
Your birthday will happen.
It will be a party of epic proportions. It will be like something from a Ke$ha song. But be careful not to add too much caffeine powder to the Faux Loco or you could be spending your birthday in the hospital.
Lucky numbers: 0 - ∞
Sagittarius:
Your favorite South African rap crew will release a video featuring a whole lot of black face. You will spend much of the next week feeling uncomfortable and silently boycotting their music, then listen to their cds over and over on a 7 hour car trip.
On the 15th, you'll get a pimple.
Capricorn:
An estranged ex will get engaged. While Facebook stalking their fiancee, you discover that their degree in communications is from the University of Phoenix. You will feel triumphant for a hot sec, before you discover a picture of the fiance in a bikini.
On the 2nd, someone cute will "Poke" you on Facebook. Poke back. Who knows what will happen?
Aquarius:
You are on fire this month, water symbol! And by on fire, I mean particularly susceptible to burns. Let someone else do the cooking for a change. And don't forget to unplug your curling iron.
On the 6th, a politician you like will win their race. Another politician you also like will lose their race.
Pisces:
You are the picture of good health. Your hair is long and luscious, you are eating plenty of fruits and vegetables and going to the gym almost every day. You're doing great. But don't be a jerk about it. Stop being so self-righteous and focus on the fact that your lifestyle isn't what everyone can do. Have a deep fried pickle. Secondhand smoke a cigarette.
Lucky numbers: 6 6 & 6
Aries:
Procrastination is your worst enemy this month, but also your best friend. While procrastinating getting out of bed in the morning, you will narrowly miss getting hit by a meteorite. So savor the warmth of your bed. Don't write that report until the last minute. Let your laundry pile up. It could save your life.
On the 22nd, you will eat too much.
Taurus:
A long lost friend will come out of the woodwork with the opportunity of a lifetime. Take it. Or don't and try to find satisfaction in your boring existence.
The weekend of the 9th will be filled with awesome birthday parties. The best way to remove glitter from your eyeball is probably with one of those emergency eyewash things in science classrooms but I doubt there will be one of those at your friend's 23rd birthday blow out, now will there?
Gemini:
You will finally be forced to face your irrational fear of twins when a friend or loved one announces that they are pregnant with them. I suggest watching both versions of the Parent Trap back to back for an entire 24 hours. Then sending a bunch of diapers to the baby shower.
Lucky number: 2 (jk)
Cancer:
You will have an awesome month. Despite the fact that there is a horrible disease named after your zodiac symbol. Why did they call it Cancer? Couldn't they have named a health issue that is more treatable and less serious after your symbol? Like head lice? That sort of makes sense.
Anyway, you'll be lucky in love and your career will take off but also on the 16th you will have a wardrobe malfunction. Stay away from vents and Justin Timberlake.
Leo:
A high school classmate will get married. You won't get invited. But don't worry, it will be a dry reception and there won't be any single people of your preferred sexual preference under the age of 50 and over the age of 10.
On November 31st, you will recite the 30 days hath September April June and November poem and realize that it is actually December.
Virgo:
You will get promoted. Or hired. Or a raise. Either way, look sharp at work because you're looking at a great month. It probably won't hurt to find out your boss's favorite color and incorporate it into every outfit. Plus your friend will have an awesome birthday party. You should come. And bring cupcakes and booze. Your friend is probably really into red velvet cake and Bulleit Rye right now.
Lucky numbers: one million and 2
Libra:
This month is going to be kind of boring because I'm tired of writing fake horoscopes and already used up all of my good ideas. It would probably be a great time to organize your sock drawer, befriend someone without a personality, and start dating someone with a beautiful face and a baseball card collection.
Something more exciting will happen on the 26th. It will probably involve parking in a different place at work or finding 5 cents on the ground.
Your birthday will happen.
It will be a party of epic proportions. It will be like something from a Ke$ha song. But be careful not to add too much caffeine powder to the Faux Loco or you could be spending your birthday in the hospital.
Lucky numbers: 0 - ∞
Sagittarius:
Your favorite South African rap crew will release a video featuring a whole lot of black face. You will spend much of the next week feeling uncomfortable and silently boycotting their music, then listen to their cds over and over on a 7 hour car trip.
On the 15th, you'll get a pimple.
Capricorn:
An estranged ex will get engaged. While Facebook stalking their fiancee, you discover that their degree in communications is from the University of Phoenix. You will feel triumphant for a hot sec, before you discover a picture of the fiance in a bikini.
On the 2nd, someone cute will "Poke" you on Facebook. Poke back. Who knows what will happen?
Aquarius:
You are on fire this month, water symbol! And by on fire, I mean particularly susceptible to burns. Let someone else do the cooking for a change. And don't forget to unplug your curling iron.
On the 6th, a politician you like will win their race. Another politician you also like will lose their race.
Pisces:
You are the picture of good health. Your hair is long and luscious, you are eating plenty of fruits and vegetables and going to the gym almost every day. You're doing great. But don't be a jerk about it. Stop being so self-righteous and focus on the fact that your lifestyle isn't what everyone can do. Have a deep fried pickle. Secondhand smoke a cigarette.
Lucky numbers: 6 6 & 6
Aries:
Procrastination is your worst enemy this month, but also your best friend. While procrastinating getting out of bed in the morning, you will narrowly miss getting hit by a meteorite. So savor the warmth of your bed. Don't write that report until the last minute. Let your laundry pile up. It could save your life.
On the 22nd, you will eat too much.
Taurus:
A long lost friend will come out of the woodwork with the opportunity of a lifetime. Take it. Or don't and try to find satisfaction in your boring existence.
The weekend of the 9th will be filled with awesome birthday parties. The best way to remove glitter from your eyeball is probably with one of those emergency eyewash things in science classrooms but I doubt there will be one of those at your friend's 23rd birthday blow out, now will there?
Gemini:
You will finally be forced to face your irrational fear of twins when a friend or loved one announces that they are pregnant with them. I suggest watching both versions of the Parent Trap back to back for an entire 24 hours. Then sending a bunch of diapers to the baby shower.
Lucky number: 2 (jk)
Cancer:
You will have an awesome month. Despite the fact that there is a horrible disease named after your zodiac symbol. Why did they call it Cancer? Couldn't they have named a health issue that is more treatable and less serious after your symbol? Like head lice? That sort of makes sense.
Anyway, you'll be lucky in love and your career will take off but also on the 16th you will have a wardrobe malfunction. Stay away from vents and Justin Timberlake.
Leo:
A high school classmate will get married. You won't get invited. But don't worry, it will be a dry reception and there won't be any single people of your preferred sexual preference under the age of 50 and over the age of 10.
On November 31st, you will recite the 30 days hath September April June and November poem and realize that it is actually December.
Virgo:
You will get promoted. Or hired. Or a raise. Either way, look sharp at work because you're looking at a great month. It probably won't hurt to find out your boss's favorite color and incorporate it into every outfit. Plus your friend will have an awesome birthday party. You should come. And bring cupcakes and booze. Your friend is probably really into red velvet cake and Bulleit Rye right now.
Lucky numbers: one million and 2
Libra:
This month is going to be kind of boring because I'm tired of writing fake horoscopes and already used up all of my good ideas. It would probably be a great time to organize your sock drawer, befriend someone without a personality, and start dating someone with a beautiful face and a baseball card collection.
Something more exciting will happen on the 26th. It will probably involve parking in a different place at work or finding 5 cents on the ground.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Drop Kick Me Brickie Through the Goal Posts of Life
Advice from Brickle Marie Lockman, my 8 year old male cat
Dear Brickle,
I'm trying to impress a really pretty girl at my high school. I don't have any song-writing skills and don't have a lot of money, but I do have a heart full of love. Do you have any suggestions?
-Crazy in Love
Dear Crazy in Love,
Love is a many-splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love. And all you need to impress someone you love is to kill something for her. Preferably a rodent. Girls dig that shit. Then you should place it on the ground at her feet, then lie on your back and roll around, exposing your bare belly into the air. Seriously, she'll be trying to make you sleep on her bed in no time.
Dear Brickle,
I am an ascetic. You see, I'm trying to distance myself from worldly pleasures and reach a higher plane of being. But every time I come close to reaching some sort of enlightenment, I accidentally think about sex. I know by the peace sign on your face that you probably know the meaning of life.
Help me please.
-Ascetic in Aspen
Dear Ass-cetic in Aspen (being wise doesn't make you mature!),
As a cat, I can relate to many of the problems that humans face. This however, is one that I no longer can comprehend. After a kittenhood spent enjoying worldly pleasures, I left my birthplace in the green boxes to find the meaning of life. I searched for about a mile, then found a place where someone would consistently feed me. I got sidetracked from my mission for enlightenment by a brief dependency on canned cat food, when lo and behold, I was put in a box, and taken to a building, and when I woke up, my testicles were gone. I'm not sure who my savior in a white lab coat was, but they turned my body into the perfect vehicle to reach enlightenment. After that, I never thought about sex again, except for one time when I realized how weird it is that babies are basically made from bodily fluids.
So what I'm trying to say, is snip that shiz. Problem solved.
Dear Brickle,
For a variety of reasons, I have trouble being physically intimate with anyone. Even hugs make me feel uncomfortable. I've been working through this in therapy, but I thought you might have some advice. I've been seeing a wonderful man who is kind, handsome, funny, smart, and rich. I really really really like him Brickle. He really really really likes me. We've been dating for about a month, however, I just don't really feel comfortable letting him do more than hold my hand, and even that took a long time. He urged me to write to you for advice about this. I don't want to lose him, but I also don't think I'm ready to be more physically intimate with him. Can you help?
-Don't Touch Me in Dallas
Dear Don't Touch Me,
You go girl! Physical intimacy is gross! For example, Janney used to try and pick me up and give me kissies on my face and belly and get me to sit on her lap and scratch my ears. So I'd squirm away then hide from her because hands are weird! My advice is to squirm as much as possible making it impossible for him to hold on to you.
Oh wait, I just read the other part of the letter about you wanting to keep him. Here's how you do it. Pick one part of your body (for me, it is my belly) that you will expose and let him touch sporadically. Pretend like you enjoy it. They'll keep trying to come back for more. Then, every 6 years or so, climb on to their stomach and pretend to sleep. They'll feel so flattered that you finally decided to be physically affectionate with them, but also you're on their stomach so if you weigh about 20 pounds like me, they won't be able to breathe after a few minutes, and will make you get off of them. Perfect plan!
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Potentially Dirty Terms Used By Piano Technicians
Ball peen
Tang
"Pop the tang"
Bushed
"Bush the hole"
Lubrication
Wood
Test blow
Belly man
Stack
Jack tender
Backcheck
Pianist
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Beauty Tips for the Uninitiated
If I wrote a beauty advice column, everything would sound sort of like this.
Exercise and Diet:
People often say that I am not obese. My secret? Not thinking about food too much. But I also mostly eat vegetables. And the occasional batch of biscuits. And lots of eggs. Lean proteins. Plenty of butter for a healthy glow. Exercise 3-4 times a week. Lift weights. Be anxious and jiggle your legs to burn extra calories. Forget about calories and just eat when you're hungry. But honestly I've been genetically blessed. My father's high school photos look like something for a PSA about starvation in Eastern Europe (we won't talk about the honker and the sweat glands of a hairy middle aged man that I have also inherited from him). But also, I'm pretty sure I have a tapeworm.
Wash your hair less than you think you should. Spend a month washing your hair with baking soda and vinegar. Decide that you miss the scent and lather of shampoo. When this happens, switch back to shampoo and discover the ability to go days with out washing your hair. Alternatively, be born with really thick hair that hides the grease. If you have straight hair brush it. If you have curly hair, don't.
Don't attempt to give yourself blonde hair by dipping part of it in bleach. It doesn't work. Sleep with your hair down. Also, genetics help.
Skin Care:
When I was in middle school, I remember a friend telling me the beauty routine of one of the most popular girls in the school. The thing that stuck out the most was that the girl put lotion all over her body after she got out of the shower. Five years later, I remembered this tip and started doing this. You too can have skin as soft as a baby's bottom (but actually that's kind of gross).
Facial Skin Care:
Wash your face every night before you go to bed. Change your pillow cases. Go on hormonal birth control. If your acne isn't cured, it will possible get better. Or not. Sorry.
Also, wear a moisturizer with sunscreen every single day. Drink lots of water. Get lots of sleep. (Kidding about that one, who has time for that). If you insist on smoking, only do it second-hand.
Makeup:
If you don't wear it, wear it. It's seriously not that hard. If you wear it, you're probably wearing too much. Don't wear tons of foundation, it's bad for your skin. Plus, you probably don't need it. Actually, just wear eye makeup. Or don't wear makeup. Just make sure you wear SPF moisturizer.
But just wear it. At least some mascara? And maybe some lipstick on occasion?
Unless you're one of those people who naturally looks like they're wearing mascara. In that case, I hate you.
Teeth:
In this matter, I am not genetically blessed. Just brush 'em and smile a lot.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Opportunity
I'm seeking opportunity, take me by the hand. Show me where I'm going show me who I am. All I need's a drop of water, I'm a seed borne on the wind. I was once a flower and I'll be a flower again. - Tea Leaf Green - If It Wasn't for the Money
Opportunity is everywhere and nowhere. Opportunity is difficult to spell, but even more difficult to get over once you've missed it. You don't so much seek opportunity as you seek the ability to notice opportunity then grab it. Opportunity knocks. It knocks hard. It knocks so hard that sometimes you answer the door in your towel fresh out of the shower and you're embarrassed and unprepared. But you put on your clothes, dry off your hair, and go out and get it, because who knows when opportunity will knock again. Opportunity is your ex-boyfriend, your neighborhood's mailperson, your dental hygienist, your best friend's childhood friend. Opportunity is a horrible mixed metaphor written by someone who is high on the myriad of opportunities, manically careening towards the edge of something, anything, like a teenager on speed or a child on coffee at her grandfather's funeral. Opportunity is exciting and scary, happy and sad. You have to play it cool. You don't want to scare it away. But not too cool. You don't want it to think you've lost interest. Opportunity is crying when you hug your friend because life is intense and it's nice to remember that you are loved. Opportunity is the freedom of cutting off all of your hair. Opportunity is that feeling you get when you wake up in the night and have four more hours until you must get up. Paralyzing, electrifying, sometimes crushing. Everything and nothing that you want. It's jumping off the 20 foot cliff into the Colorado River, breaking the water feet first, head following, sinking, then bobbing to the top, gasping for air as you surface, sneezing and sputtering. You did it, and you are alive.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Lena Dunham: The Obie Obies Love to Hate
I spent this afternoon spent writing a mock grant proposal for an assignment for Career Services. I am that scared about being unemployed next year. I am utilizing Career Services. In fact, I think I'm gonna utilize about $5,000 worth of Career Services in an attempt to pretend like I'm actually utilizing all the services Oberlin's tuition covered (pffttt... I haven't even used the Writing Center since I was a first year. And I definitely haven't played Bat Out of Hell on all of the Steinways).
But that was just an awkward segue into my story. As a reward for spending the afternoon on this assignment (which isn't finished, but it's all part of the process), I decided to finally watch Lena Dunham's Tiny Furniture.
Now for my peers who have seen Tiny Furniture, "reward" may not be the best word to describe it. Lena Dunham, who wrote and starred in it, is a recent Oberlin alum. And by recent, I mean we didn't overlap but she graduated from college the same year I graduated from high school. Tiny Furniture is about a girl who graduates from college in Ohio with a silly degree and goes back to live with her mom and sister in New York. She has a shitty job that she's really bad at, has sex in uncomfortable places with jerks, and awkward friends. There are fights with the family, the age-old question of "How much of your parents' wine is okay to drink?" and weird reunions with friends from college. While many parts of this film are funny, other parts ring all too true for recent or soon-to-be liberal arts college graduates. After Tiny Furniture, Lena Dunham went on to create and star in HBO's Girls, which I haven't seen yet, but probably will as soon as I feel like watching some TV. Did I mention (or did you do the math?) that Lena Dunham is only 26? Tiny Furniture came out when she was 24. I'm 22. Holy shit.
The other evening after I got home from a lovely but kind of exhausting trip to New York, my dad mentioned that he'd read an article in the New Yorker by a girl who went to Oberlin.
"Huh. Who was it? What was it about?" I asked.
"It's about this girl's first boyfriend and a lot of it takes place in Oberlin. I think she's some kind of film maker?" [this is all paraphrased but I'm practicing writing dialoge because as you might have noticed, I'm not very good at it].
I knew instantly who he was talking about. "Oh, you mean Lena Dunham," I said, rolling my eyes. "Yeah, her. She's a really big deal." Here I actually think I said something mean about Lena Dunham. But then I realized that there's an infinitesimal chance that Lena Dunham would actually read this blog, and didn't want to hurt her feelings. Silly, I know, especially considering all the flack she got about her Girls' character's quote about being the "voice of a generation." But she is a fellow Obie, and I feel a little bad about all the conversations I've had that eventually ended in trashing Lena Dunham.
Why do the 2012/2013 Oberlin graduates I know love to hate on Lena Dunham? It seems ridiculous, especially when we're all essentially cut from the same stock, creative, funny, smart girls who went to Oberlin. Only one of my friends that I know of has met Lena Dunham. Most of us enjoy her work. Even though Tiny Furniture and Girls often hit close to home (The awkward introductions of college friends to high school ones. The scene with the weird date and pet death), they don't tell us anything new about our lives post-college. Watching Tiny Furniture made me laugh and feel a little better, it didn't send me into a depressive spiral that made me wish I'd gone to WVU and majored in Physical therapy.
Is it jealousy? In a perfect world, we could stand on her shoulders in the wake of her astounding success and launch as a new generation of intelligent women film and tv writers. There's definitely room on television for more than one female-written sitcom, and there's a clear niche for one that includes women of color. I'm really glad that a recent Oberlin graduate has had so much success, especially one that I can relate to on a vary basic level. However, I am jealous of Lena Dunham. I'm not gonna lie. It's easy for me to say "Well, I don't have the same kinds of connections Lena Dunham has. I'd never try to make my parents support me after I graduate. Could my parents even support me after I graduate?" Lena Dunham is privileged in ways that I will never be, but she also has talent.
I find Lena Dunham vexing because in the process of distancing herself from the new college graduate with skills that seem useless, a hippie ex-boyfriend, and friends who are just as confused as she is, she has surpassed the kind of success that I dream of. The question is, do I respond to her success? Do I work even harder, writing, photoshopping, creating and networking? Do I chalk it up to the difference between 22 and 26? Do I remind myself that I don't need my own Wikipedia page to be happy? Do I bemoan my lack of connections and the fact that I didn't go to a private New York city high school?
I honestly don't know. I started out writing this with a conclusion in mind that I've entirely thrown out the window. Does Lena Dunham do this????????
So in summary:
- The world could use more female writers/comedians/film makers/bad asses
- I'm not Lena Dunham. My friend's aren't Lena Dunham. We're prettier.
-I'm probably gonna post this then start watching Girls.
-There are 47 issues of the New Yorker per year. There are plenty of New Yorker articles to go around (in theory).
-Lena Dunham if you are reading this I genuinely don't want to hurt your feelings. I am just trying to make myself feel a little better because I am jealous. After all, you are the kind of girl who would go to Oberlin. And this, more than anything else, makes me feel like 26 will not feel as bleak as 22.
But that was just an awkward segue into my story. As a reward for spending the afternoon on this assignment (which isn't finished, but it's all part of the process), I decided to finally watch Lena Dunham's Tiny Furniture.
Now for my peers who have seen Tiny Furniture, "reward" may not be the best word to describe it. Lena Dunham, who wrote and starred in it, is a recent Oberlin alum. And by recent, I mean we didn't overlap but she graduated from college the same year I graduated from high school. Tiny Furniture is about a girl who graduates from college in Ohio with a silly degree and goes back to live with her mom and sister in New York. She has a shitty job that she's really bad at, has sex in uncomfortable places with jerks, and awkward friends. There are fights with the family, the age-old question of "How much of your parents' wine is okay to drink?" and weird reunions with friends from college. While many parts of this film are funny, other parts ring all too true for recent or soon-to-be liberal arts college graduates. After Tiny Furniture, Lena Dunham went on to create and star in HBO's Girls, which I haven't seen yet, but probably will as soon as I feel like watching some TV. Did I mention (or did you do the math?) that Lena Dunham is only 26? Tiny Furniture came out when she was 24. I'm 22. Holy shit.
The other evening after I got home from a lovely but kind of exhausting trip to New York, my dad mentioned that he'd read an article in the New Yorker by a girl who went to Oberlin.
"Huh. Who was it? What was it about?" I asked.
"It's about this girl's first boyfriend and a lot of it takes place in Oberlin. I think she's some kind of film maker?" [this is all paraphrased but I'm practicing writing dialoge because as you might have noticed, I'm not very good at it].
I knew instantly who he was talking about. "Oh, you mean Lena Dunham," I said, rolling my eyes. "Yeah, her. She's a really big deal." Here I actually think I said something mean about Lena Dunham. But then I realized that there's an infinitesimal chance that Lena Dunham would actually read this blog, and didn't want to hurt her feelings. Silly, I know, especially considering all the flack she got about her Girls' character's quote about being the "voice of a generation." But she is a fellow Obie, and I feel a little bad about all the conversations I've had that eventually ended in trashing Lena Dunham.
Why do the 2012/2013 Oberlin graduates I know love to hate on Lena Dunham? It seems ridiculous, especially when we're all essentially cut from the same stock, creative, funny, smart girls who went to Oberlin. Only one of my friends that I know of has met Lena Dunham. Most of us enjoy her work. Even though Tiny Furniture and Girls often hit close to home (The awkward introductions of college friends to high school ones. The scene with the weird date and pet death), they don't tell us anything new about our lives post-college. Watching Tiny Furniture made me laugh and feel a little better, it didn't send me into a depressive spiral that made me wish I'd gone to WVU and majored in Physical therapy.
Is it jealousy? In a perfect world, we could stand on her shoulders in the wake of her astounding success and launch as a new generation of intelligent women film and tv writers. There's definitely room on television for more than one female-written sitcom, and there's a clear niche for one that includes women of color. I'm really glad that a recent Oberlin graduate has had so much success, especially one that I can relate to on a vary basic level. However, I am jealous of Lena Dunham. I'm not gonna lie. It's easy for me to say "Well, I don't have the same kinds of connections Lena Dunham has. I'd never try to make my parents support me after I graduate. Could my parents even support me after I graduate?" Lena Dunham is privileged in ways that I will never be, but she also has talent.
I find Lena Dunham vexing because in the process of distancing herself from the new college graduate with skills that seem useless, a hippie ex-boyfriend, and friends who are just as confused as she is, she has surpassed the kind of success that I dream of. The question is, do I respond to her success? Do I work even harder, writing, photoshopping, creating and networking? Do I chalk it up to the difference between 22 and 26? Do I remind myself that I don't need my own Wikipedia page to be happy? Do I bemoan my lack of connections and the fact that I didn't go to a private New York city high school?
I honestly don't know. I started out writing this with a conclusion in mind that I've entirely thrown out the window. Does Lena Dunham do this????????
So in summary:
- The world could use more female writers/comedians/film makers/bad asses
- I'm not Lena Dunham. My friend's aren't Lena Dunham. We're prettier.
-I'm probably gonna post this then start watching Girls.
-There are 47 issues of the New Yorker per year. There are plenty of New Yorker articles to go around (in theory).
-Lena Dunham if you are reading this I genuinely don't want to hurt your feelings. I am just trying to make myself feel a little better because I am jealous. After all, you are the kind of girl who would go to Oberlin. And this, more than anything else, makes me feel like 26 will not feel as bleak as 22.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Self-deprecation and Bonnaroo
As I prepare to finish my last semester of college and enter the World of the Working, I've had to come to terms with the fact that self-deprecation, while often amusing and unfortunately, all too easy to do, is kind of a cop out. For example, I could say something like "Well I spent Saturday night picking fleas off of my cat with my mom. Guess this will prepare me for my future job as a homeless person." In my humble opinion, this is pretty hilarious, however, it's not the kind of attitude, or humor I want to be exhibiting as I start the long process of convincing potential employers that I'm awesome. The kind of joke I should be making doesn't come as easily. "I spent my Saturday night picking fleas off my cat with my mom. I just hope we get enough by next Saturday so I can take them to the Farmer's Market." Was that funny? Not really. Did that joke come easily? I don't want to talk about it. Did I attempt to turn something potentially lame into something that sounds creative, entrepreneurial, and interesting? Yes. So I guess I'm going to try to do that kind of thing in job interviews. In theory.
The point is, self-deprecation has an important place in American humor. But as someone who really struggles not to shoot myself in the foot and look like an idiot during interviews* I really need to cut it out for a while. Not to mention the fact that as a young woman with not a whole lot of experience, I will probably already get less respect than my male counterparts. Not to mention the fact that I'm cute and sweet. See? I really have a lot of things in my nature working against me. But I've also got a lot of good stuff going on and know that I could be an awesome employee. But first I need use my sense of humor to do something better than make fun of myself.
*For evidence of me looking like an idiot during an interview, I suggest the documentary in which I played a supporting role to Mike Seeger, Why Old Time? At 18, I was much less articulate than the 6 year old in the documentary.
** Or, you can consider the quote from me in one of Cleveland's newspapers, when I use the phrase "The Bonnaroo of the Midwest" to talk about what Folk Fest could be. Fortunately, after saying that, I told the reporter that that's not really what we were trying to do. Both of these things got published, so I only looked like a slight idiot. I don't know why I said that. I don't even LIKE the idea of Bonnaroo. In fact, my favorite thing about Bonnaroo is this guy I know, Brad's Facebook statuses about how bad the line up always is.
The point is, self-deprecation has an important place in American humor. But as someone who really struggles not to shoot myself in the foot and look like an idiot during interviews* I really need to cut it out for a while. Not to mention the fact that as a young woman with not a whole lot of experience, I will probably already get less respect than my male counterparts. Not to mention the fact that I'm cute and sweet. See? I really have a lot of things in my nature working against me. But I've also got a lot of good stuff going on and know that I could be an awesome employee. But first I need use my sense of humor to do something better than make fun of myself.
*For evidence of me looking like an idiot during an interview, I suggest the documentary in which I played a supporting role to Mike Seeger, Why Old Time? At 18, I was much less articulate than the 6 year old in the documentary.
** Or, you can consider the quote from me in one of Cleveland's newspapers, when I use the phrase "The Bonnaroo of the Midwest" to talk about what Folk Fest could be. Fortunately, after saying that, I told the reporter that that's not really what we were trying to do. Both of these things got published, so I only looked like a slight idiot. I don't know why I said that. I don't even LIKE the idea of Bonnaroo. In fact, my favorite thing about Bonnaroo is this guy I know, Brad's Facebook statuses about how bad the line up always is.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Shameless Self (and Friend) Promotion
Hello dear readers,
My amazingly talented friend Zoe, who posts about things on the internet that I dare to dream of posting, but never would, as my internet presence is already sullied by my refusal to give up Facebook and a horrible memory for the passwords of at least 3 social networking tools, is on the road to fame and glory as a bad-ass, funny woman. One of the first steps has been getting her own domain name, where she writes lists and parodies and parody lists and demonstrates a finesse with Photoshop that is the envy of all our friends (or at least me). You can check out her stuff at http://www.madamezooble.com.
But I will admit that the point of this post was no solely to get more traffic for my friend's website, but to mention a piece of writing that is my favorite thing I've written in a long time. It's on another one of Zoe's blogs, Nurse Jackie Chan, which was started as a collaborative humor blog that has sort of not been updated in a while because its moderator is busy kissing pigs or something (follow Zoe on her award-winning Twitter for more on that).
So without further ado, here is a link to this post: Fantasies I Have While At My Day Job:
http://nursejackiechan.wordpress.com/2012/07/15/fantasies-i-have-while-at-my-day-job-episode-1/
Sorry for the repost, friends who have already read it, and you're welcome those who haven't (and Zoe!).
-ejl
My amazingly talented friend Zoe, who posts about things on the internet that I dare to dream of posting, but never would, as my internet presence is already sullied by my refusal to give up Facebook and a horrible memory for the passwords of at least 3 social networking tools, is on the road to fame and glory as a bad-ass, funny woman. One of the first steps has been getting her own domain name, where she writes lists and parodies and parody lists and demonstrates a finesse with Photoshop that is the envy of all our friends (or at least me). You can check out her stuff at http://www.madamezooble.com.
But I will admit that the point of this post was no solely to get more traffic for my friend's website, but to mention a piece of writing that is my favorite thing I've written in a long time. It's on another one of Zoe's blogs, Nurse Jackie Chan, which was started as a collaborative humor blog that has sort of not been updated in a while because its moderator is busy kissing pigs or something (follow Zoe on her award-winning Twitter for more on that).
So without further ado, here is a link to this post: Fantasies I Have While At My Day Job:
http://nursejackiechan.wordpress.com/2012/07/15/fantasies-i-have-while-at-my-day-job-episode-1/
Sorry for the repost, friends who have already read it, and you're welcome those who haven't (and Zoe!).
-ejl
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
What I Learned from Reading Fifty Shades of Gray
1. If you are annoyingly innocent, rich, powerful, attractive men will fall in love with you.
Alternately: If you are annoyingly innocent, creepy, controlling, moody, men with lots of baggage will want you to become their submissive, so it's probably better just to slut it up.
2. It is easier for women to orgasm from penetrative sex than it is for men.
3. If you in your annoying innocence attract a rich man, you will receive awesome gifts like computers, Blackberries, sports cars, and first editions of Thomas Hardy books. It's probably best to just accept them without question or he will spank you.
4. BDSM is a whole bunch of work.
5. If you refrain from getting drunk until you graduate from college, then start dating a rich man, you will instantly love and appreciate the expensive wine he buys for you instead of drinking Andre and Franzia like your more experienced college roommate.
6. If your 27 year old boyfriend has slept with other women, you should probably be really jealous. If your 27 year old boyfriend hasn't slept with other women and isn't super religious or super gay, he probably has absolutely no baggage and you should totally go on a camping trip with him in a strange state because it's not like he's going to break your heart in a tent or lead you on or anything because he is probably the perfect mate (okay this is no longer about 50 Shades of Gray).
7. It's pretty normal for people to be business tycoons by the age of 27.
8. If you're not orgasming when someone touches your nipples, there's probably something wrong with you.
9. There is a 3 hour time difference between Seattle and Georgia.
10. You don't have to be a good writer to get a book published.
Alternately: If you are annoyingly innocent, creepy, controlling, moody, men with lots of baggage will want you to become their submissive, so it's probably better just to slut it up.
2. It is easier for women to orgasm from penetrative sex than it is for men.
3. If you in your annoying innocence attract a rich man, you will receive awesome gifts like computers, Blackberries, sports cars, and first editions of Thomas Hardy books. It's probably best to just accept them without question or he will spank you.
4. BDSM is a whole bunch of work.
5. If you refrain from getting drunk until you graduate from college, then start dating a rich man, you will instantly love and appreciate the expensive wine he buys for you instead of drinking Andre and Franzia like your more experienced college roommate.
6. If your 27 year old boyfriend has slept with other women, you should probably be really jealous. If your 27 year old boyfriend hasn't slept with other women and isn't super religious or super gay, he probably has absolutely no baggage and you should totally go on a camping trip with him in a strange state because it's not like he's going to break your heart in a tent or lead you on or anything because he is probably the perfect mate (okay this is no longer about 50 Shades of Gray).
7. It's pretty normal for people to be business tycoons by the age of 27.
8. If you're not orgasming when someone touches your nipples, there's probably something wrong with you.
9. There is a 3 hour time difference between Seattle and Georgia.
10. You don't have to be a good writer to get a book published.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Things I Found While Cleaning Out My Car
1. Fossilized Cheez-Its
2. French language learning CDs
3. Evidence of a McDonald's coffee habit
4. Unused (and probably unusable) safer sex supplies
5. Directions to the Great Northern Mall
6. CDs I was "reviewing" for WMMT
7. CDs we crapped from WOBC
8. Taylor Swift memorabilia
9. ~1 pound of chicken feed
10. "Hanging name badges"
11. Evidence that I once took piano lessons
12. A tape measure
13. Old gum
14. 3 Bobby pins
15. $1.68 in change
16. 1 fingerless glove
17. Fake flowers
18. Real flowers
19. LaCroix Coconut cans
20. Directions from Berea, Kentucky to Oberlin
Things I Didn't Find:
1. Waldo
2. True love
3. A dead animal
2. French language learning CDs
3. Evidence of a McDonald's coffee habit
4. Unused (and probably unusable) safer sex supplies
5. Directions to the Great Northern Mall
6. CDs I was "reviewing" for WMMT
7. CDs we crapped from WOBC
8. Taylor Swift memorabilia
9. ~1 pound of chicken feed
10. "Hanging name badges"
11. Evidence that I once took piano lessons
12. A tape measure
13. Old gum
14. 3 Bobby pins
15. $1.68 in change
16. 1 fingerless glove
17. Fake flowers
18. Real flowers
19. LaCroix Coconut cans
20. Directions from Berea, Kentucky to Oberlin
Things I Didn't Find:
1. Waldo
2. True love
3. A dead animal
How to Have An Awesome Wedding
Since graduating from high school, I have been a guest at 5 weddings, been a bridesmaid in one, played music for one, and worked catering for one wedding. These have all been beautiful, enjoyable, moving events. Two of the weddings were the weddings of complete strangers, and at both of those I got a little dust in my eyes. I used to date someone with an ex-wife. My brother thinks I'll get married young and divorced soon after. I pride myself on knowing a good time when I see one. Plus, I just watched like 5 episodes of Say Yes to the Dress. I'm pretty sure that these experiences makes me an expert on the subject of weddings. So here are the wedding tips I have gathered over the years and feel the need to share with the world.
According to my mother and various other sources, you don't really remember too many details of your own wedding. So in my eyes, the wedding is less about the party that is being thrown for you, and more about providing a way for your guests to have fun while being incredibly happy for you as you get this piece of paper that legitimizes in the eyes of the state something that shouldn't need to be made legitimate in the eyes of the law (so this is a little convoluted, but it's pretty messed up that I'll be able to marry whatever schmuck I want while my roommate who is gay won't be able to marry the love of his life. Guys, love shouldn't need a piece of paper to make it real. Moving on.). Basically, your wedding should be the best party you will ever throw. The best parties ever aren't perfect, but they are fun.
1. On the subject of alcohol at weddings:
Unless the bride or groom are recovering alcoholics or 16, you should serve alcohol at your wedding. You don't need an open bar because those are expensive, but at the very least, tap a keg or something. Here's why:
- Most of the guests at the wedding will know very few people besides you. I've been to weddings of close friends, relatives, co-workers, and complete strangers, and at every single one, I have known less than 1/5 of the guests. And guess what? Unless you're the ones getting married, or you're marrying your cousin or you're only inviting like 20 people, the vast majority of people at your wedding won't know very many of the guests. Plus there's always so much pressure from DJs to dance to stupid songs at the reception (more on this in Point 3). This is where the socially lubricating powers of alcohol can come in handy. Even if you don't know very many people, you can still get drunk for free with the people you don't know as you celebrate the union of your friends. Okay, this is kind of sad and is perhaps the kind of thing that will jeopardize my ability to get a job, so I'm just gonna quit while I'm ahead. But have booze.
2. The service itself/the sermon:
Look, religion is very personal and very important to a lot of people. Even if I don't share your religious beliefs, I respect them. I also respect the person who is officiating the ceremony, and their choice of words for the service.
However, I cannot respect them if they make that "Woah-man" joke. If you're not familiar, let me fill you in.
Preacher: So God made Adam. But Adam was lonely. So God did some stuff to Adam's rib and made Eve. When Adam saw Eve, he was like "Woah-man!" And that's why we called Eve Woman.
Audience: *Polite laughter*
Me: *Eyes roll out of head, subtly vomits into handbag*
This joke has been made at 1/4 of the weddings I have attended. Don't get me wrong, I love bad jokes. But this one is just too much, especially when it is followed by a lecture from the preacher about how the wife is supposed to submit to the husband.
3. Music at weddings:
As a musician, radio nerd, and aspiring Radio Personality, music at the wedding reception is one of the things that can really determine the tone of the party.
Many wedding DJs seem to think that it is their responsibility to get as many people on to the dance floor as possible. While in theory, I agree, in practice, most DJs sink to really low levels to get there, by playing intergenerational crowd-pleasers, and what I call the Trifecta of Bad Wedding Songs: YMCA, You Make Me Wanna Shout, and the Cha Cha Slide (sometimes these can be replaced by The Twist, The Electric Slide, or Cotton Eyed Joe. But for our purposes, they're the same). Again, I appreciate all of these songs in isolation. I also like it when a lot of other people dance. But these songs are often accompanied by pressure on the entire crowd to get up and dance.
Let's be honest:
a). Some people would rather sit and talk to people
b). Some people are bad dancers and don't like to dance. Let's just keep those folks off the dance floor.
c). Some people can't physically dance. DJs don't need to make them feel like they're not contributing to the fun for not getting out on the floor if they can't walk much less do that ridiculous thing where everyone squats on the ground during You Make Me Wanna Shout.
d). Sometimes people have dry weddings. See Point 1.
My advice to those who are getting married? Play the music that you want to have played. At the wedding I recently helped cater, the bride and groom did exactly this. They played classic rock, new pop, and some really great old songs. They also played You Make Me Wanna Shout, followed by the Cha Cha Slide, almost followed by the YMCA, but then the MC was all "JK, we won't do that to you." Because intergenerational crowd pleasers are fine as long as most of the other songs are better.
4. Bathrooms at weddings:
Have lots and lots of them. If it's outside, rent Porta-Potties. Because you can't enjoy the party for your friends if you're waiting in line to pee.
5. Outdoor weddings:
If they happen in the summer in the South, make sure there is a place nearby where your Grandma can escape to the AC. Because heat stroke/people leaving early because they're too hot is a bummer. Also make sure there is plenty of water.
6. Dust:
I don't know if it's because wedding venues are used frequently by lots of different people and are difficult to clean, or if there's some kind of crazy pollen during outdoor wedding season, or if I'm just a sentimental fool, but my eyes water a lot at weddings. It's almost a given that someone (me) will be bawling like a little baby during the ceremony, while reading the program, watching the Father-Daughter dance, hearing the speeches, singing the hymns, or just watching the reactions of the other guests (cause love is beautiful, m'kay?). So I guess what I'm saying is, make sure there are tissues or give out handkerchiefs or waterproof mascara with your names on it as favors, perhaps.
Conclusion:
Ultimately, you will plan the wedding you will plan. Perhaps by the time I get married, I will care less about the music (or will have had a head injury that makes me absolutely love the Trifecta of Bad Wedding Songs), or won't be so hung up on making sure everyone has a great time as I am getting wedding planning over with so I can just enjoy tax benefits. But I sure hope not. In about 10 years, I'm hoping to have a hell of a party. And maybe if you're lucky, you'll be invited.
According to my mother and various other sources, you don't really remember too many details of your own wedding. So in my eyes, the wedding is less about the party that is being thrown for you, and more about providing a way for your guests to have fun while being incredibly happy for you as you get this piece of paper that legitimizes in the eyes of the state something that shouldn't need to be made legitimate in the eyes of the law (so this is a little convoluted, but it's pretty messed up that I'll be able to marry whatever schmuck I want while my roommate who is gay won't be able to marry the love of his life. Guys, love shouldn't need a piece of paper to make it real. Moving on.). Basically, your wedding should be the best party you will ever throw. The best parties ever aren't perfect, but they are fun.
1. On the subject of alcohol at weddings:
Unless the bride or groom are recovering alcoholics or 16, you should serve alcohol at your wedding. You don't need an open bar because those are expensive, but at the very least, tap a keg or something. Here's why:
- Most of the guests at the wedding will know very few people besides you. I've been to weddings of close friends, relatives, co-workers, and complete strangers, and at every single one, I have known less than 1/5 of the guests. And guess what? Unless you're the ones getting married, or you're marrying your cousin or you're only inviting like 20 people, the vast majority of people at your wedding won't know very many of the guests. Plus there's always so much pressure from DJs to dance to stupid songs at the reception (more on this in Point 3). This is where the socially lubricating powers of alcohol can come in handy. Even if you don't know very many people, you can still get drunk for free with the people you don't know as you celebrate the union of your friends. Okay, this is kind of sad and is perhaps the kind of thing that will jeopardize my ability to get a job, so I'm just gonna quit while I'm ahead. But have booze.
2. The service itself/the sermon:
Look, religion is very personal and very important to a lot of people. Even if I don't share your religious beliefs, I respect them. I also respect the person who is officiating the ceremony, and their choice of words for the service.
However, I cannot respect them if they make that "Woah-man" joke. If you're not familiar, let me fill you in.
Preacher: So God made Adam. But Adam was lonely. So God did some stuff to Adam's rib and made Eve. When Adam saw Eve, he was like "Woah-man!" And that's why we called Eve Woman.
Audience: *Polite laughter*
Me: *Eyes roll out of head, subtly vomits into handbag*
This joke has been made at 1/4 of the weddings I have attended. Don't get me wrong, I love bad jokes. But this one is just too much, especially when it is followed by a lecture from the preacher about how the wife is supposed to submit to the husband.
3. Music at weddings:
As a musician, radio nerd, and aspiring Radio Personality, music at the wedding reception is one of the things that can really determine the tone of the party.
Many wedding DJs seem to think that it is their responsibility to get as many people on to the dance floor as possible. While in theory, I agree, in practice, most DJs sink to really low levels to get there, by playing intergenerational crowd-pleasers, and what I call the Trifecta of Bad Wedding Songs: YMCA, You Make Me Wanna Shout, and the Cha Cha Slide (sometimes these can be replaced by The Twist, The Electric Slide, or Cotton Eyed Joe. But for our purposes, they're the same). Again, I appreciate all of these songs in isolation. I also like it when a lot of other people dance. But these songs are often accompanied by pressure on the entire crowd to get up and dance.
Let's be honest:
a). Some people would rather sit and talk to people
b). Some people are bad dancers and don't like to dance. Let's just keep those folks off the dance floor.
c). Some people can't physically dance. DJs don't need to make them feel like they're not contributing to the fun for not getting out on the floor if they can't walk much less do that ridiculous thing where everyone squats on the ground during You Make Me Wanna Shout.
d). Sometimes people have dry weddings. See Point 1.
My advice to those who are getting married? Play the music that you want to have played. At the wedding I recently helped cater, the bride and groom did exactly this. They played classic rock, new pop, and some really great old songs. They also played You Make Me Wanna Shout, followed by the Cha Cha Slide, almost followed by the YMCA, but then the MC was all "JK, we won't do that to you." Because intergenerational crowd pleasers are fine as long as most of the other songs are better.
4. Bathrooms at weddings:
Have lots and lots of them. If it's outside, rent Porta-Potties. Because you can't enjoy the party for your friends if you're waiting in line to pee.
5. Outdoor weddings:
If they happen in the summer in the South, make sure there is a place nearby where your Grandma can escape to the AC. Because heat stroke/people leaving early because they're too hot is a bummer. Also make sure there is plenty of water.
6. Dust:
I don't know if it's because wedding venues are used frequently by lots of different people and are difficult to clean, or if there's some kind of crazy pollen during outdoor wedding season, or if I'm just a sentimental fool, but my eyes water a lot at weddings. It's almost a given that someone (me) will be bawling like a little baby during the ceremony, while reading the program, watching the Father-Daughter dance, hearing the speeches, singing the hymns, or just watching the reactions of the other guests (cause love is beautiful, m'kay?). So I guess what I'm saying is, make sure there are tissues or give out handkerchiefs or waterproof mascara with your names on it as favors, perhaps.
Conclusion:
Ultimately, you will plan the wedding you will plan. Perhaps by the time I get married, I will care less about the music (or will have had a head injury that makes me absolutely love the Trifecta of Bad Wedding Songs), or won't be so hung up on making sure everyone has a great time as I am getting wedding planning over with so I can just enjoy tax benefits. But I sure hope not. In about 10 years, I'm hoping to have a hell of a party. And maybe if you're lucky, you'll be invited.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Sarah Palin is My Feminist Hero and Other Half Truths
Note: This post is long, potentially boring, and an example of how easily I am swayed by autobiographies. Maybe I'm a sucker, but I respect Sarah Palin a little more than I used to, and I'm gonna tell you why.
My reading list this summer has been incredibly fluffy. I must confess that one of the more substantial books I read this summer has been Sarah Palin's autobiography: Going Rogue (this tells you what kind of summer I've been having). Now as you may or may not have deduced from my blog/knowing me/knowing my parents, I am a pretty liberal lady. But I also love playing Devil's Advocate, and quite frankly, pissing off other liberals on occasion. Maybe this makes me annoying, but I prefer to think of it as keeping others from becoming complacent. It took me about 5 months to figure out how I felt about mountain top removal, and I get frustrated when others, liberal and conservative, seem to stumble into their beliefs without questioning anything.
So maybe it was my desire to challenge myself (obviously not reading-wise), or a response to my recent trip to Alaska that inspired me to check Going Rogue out of the library.
I'll confess, I read the entire book, but read the parts when Palin talks about abortion, God, and big government much much faster (aka skimmed them) than I read the parts about her family, her role in Alaska state politics, and her childhood.
Here is a quick summary of my conclusions:
Conclusion Number 1: Sarah Palin is, indeed a feminist, and not a ploy by the patriarchy to set the women's rights movement back by making female politicians look stupid, as I had once expected.
Explanation: Sarah may not be pro-life, but she hasn't let traditional gender roles keep her out of politics. She managed to be an attentive mother (although I think she neglected Bristol a little in my humble, what-do-I-know-I've-never-raised-kids opinion) at the same time that she was kicking the Old Boys' Club out of Alaskan politics, and on the campaign trail.
Which leads me to...
Conclusion Number 2: Sarah Palin was a much better politician in Alaska than she was in national politics.
Explanation: (Also further explanation of Conclusion Number 1): She didn't let rich, powerful men push her around. Her administration managed to get rid of a lot of corrupt folks in the Alaskan legislature. Not to mention that even though I don't really agree with her "Drill baby, drill" attitude, she didn't take any bull crap from Big Oil when it came to drilling contracts, and tried to prioritize Alaskan or Canadian companies who were employing Alaskans to work at oil sites.
Conclusion Number 3: Sarah Palin was royally screwed by the media. Because she was a woman.
Explanation: So Sarah Palin may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but she isn't as stupid as the media portrayed her. Also, according to her, the quote wasn't "You can see Russia from my house," it was something more like "In parts of Alaska (the Aleutians) you can see Russia." This was in response to an interview about the role Alaska played globally. Okay, so that might have not been the most relevant response to the question (I would have mentioned oil and fish first, but I don't think I'll ever be in that position), but whatever.
A better example of this would be the flack that she took for being a mother on the presidential campaign trail. The media probably wouldn't have criticized a father for trying to further his career. Especially since Sarah's children came with her. Again, I don't have kids, but I still see a double standard.
My favorite example (and one that Palin regretfully forgot to mention in her book) is Who's Nailin' Palin, which is in case you are unfamiliar (don't even ask how I am familiar, it's not a very good story), is the only example of pornography (according to a friend) where you fast forward through the sex scenes to hear the dialogue. Would the porn industry make a film called "Who's Layin' McCain" or one about Obama (sorry I can't come up with a clever name)? Okay, maybe they would, because if you can imagine it, there's probably porn about it. But it's much less likely, and much less likely that it would end up in the hands of college freshmen all over America, because Obama and McCain are men. People can look at men in positions of power, and ignore the fact that they are sexual beings. Women in positions of power however, are sexualized or mocked for not being sexy enough, or for being tough, or seeming cold. It just ain't fair folks.
So if you made it through this post, congratulations. I wouldn't recommend Going Rogue for the writing, or for the political opinions, but it does shed some insights onto Alaska, what it's like being a vice presidential candidate for the Republican party, and the enigma (jk, she's not really an enigma) that is Sarah Palin.
My reading list this summer has been incredibly fluffy. I must confess that one of the more substantial books I read this summer has been Sarah Palin's autobiography: Going Rogue (this tells you what kind of summer I've been having). Now as you may or may not have deduced from my blog/knowing me/knowing my parents, I am a pretty liberal lady. But I also love playing Devil's Advocate, and quite frankly, pissing off other liberals on occasion. Maybe this makes me annoying, but I prefer to think of it as keeping others from becoming complacent. It took me about 5 months to figure out how I felt about mountain top removal, and I get frustrated when others, liberal and conservative, seem to stumble into their beliefs without questioning anything.
So maybe it was my desire to challenge myself (obviously not reading-wise), or a response to my recent trip to Alaska that inspired me to check Going Rogue out of the library.
I'll confess, I read the entire book, but read the parts when Palin talks about abortion, God, and big government much much faster (aka skimmed them) than I read the parts about her family, her role in Alaska state politics, and her childhood.
Here is a quick summary of my conclusions:
Conclusion Number 1: Sarah Palin is, indeed a feminist, and not a ploy by the patriarchy to set the women's rights movement back by making female politicians look stupid, as I had once expected.
Explanation: Sarah may not be pro-life, but she hasn't let traditional gender roles keep her out of politics. She managed to be an attentive mother (although I think she neglected Bristol a little in my humble, what-do-I-know-I've-never-raised-kids opinion) at the same time that she was kicking the Old Boys' Club out of Alaskan politics, and on the campaign trail.
Which leads me to...
Conclusion Number 2: Sarah Palin was a much better politician in Alaska than she was in national politics.
Explanation: (Also further explanation of Conclusion Number 1): She didn't let rich, powerful men push her around. Her administration managed to get rid of a lot of corrupt folks in the Alaskan legislature. Not to mention that even though I don't really agree with her "Drill baby, drill" attitude, she didn't take any bull crap from Big Oil when it came to drilling contracts, and tried to prioritize Alaskan or Canadian companies who were employing Alaskans to work at oil sites.
Conclusion Number 3: Sarah Palin was royally screwed by the media. Because she was a woman.
Explanation: So Sarah Palin may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but she isn't as stupid as the media portrayed her. Also, according to her, the quote wasn't "You can see Russia from my house," it was something more like "In parts of Alaska (the Aleutians) you can see Russia." This was in response to an interview about the role Alaska played globally. Okay, so that might have not been the most relevant response to the question (I would have mentioned oil and fish first, but I don't think I'll ever be in that position), but whatever.
A better example of this would be the flack that she took for being a mother on the presidential campaign trail. The media probably wouldn't have criticized a father for trying to further his career. Especially since Sarah's children came with her. Again, I don't have kids, but I still see a double standard.
My favorite example (and one that Palin regretfully forgot to mention in her book) is Who's Nailin' Palin, which is in case you are unfamiliar (don't even ask how I am familiar, it's not a very good story), is the only example of pornography (according to a friend) where you fast forward through the sex scenes to hear the dialogue. Would the porn industry make a film called "Who's Layin' McCain" or one about Obama (sorry I can't come up with a clever name)? Okay, maybe they would, because if you can imagine it, there's probably porn about it. But it's much less likely, and much less likely that it would end up in the hands of college freshmen all over America, because Obama and McCain are men. People can look at men in positions of power, and ignore the fact that they are sexual beings. Women in positions of power however, are sexualized or mocked for not being sexy enough, or for being tough, or seeming cold. It just ain't fair folks.
So if you made it through this post, congratulations. I wouldn't recommend Going Rogue for the writing, or for the political opinions, but it does shed some insights onto Alaska, what it's like being a vice presidential candidate for the Republican party, and the enigma (jk, she's not really an enigma) that is Sarah Palin.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Work It
My attitude about work has been most influenced by the following 2 quotes (I might have paraphrased a little though). The first is from an ex-boyfriend, who would always say something along the lines of "Sometimes a job is just a job." He is one of the smartest, hardest working people I know. The 2nd comes from the father of a friend, who said something like the following, in regards to people who want "fun" jobs, "It's called work for a reason."
I am a hard worker. I don't know if it's because my parents instilled in me that it's important to finish tasks, or the fact that my dad was a first generation college student who worked construction and a whole bunch of other stuff to pay his way through school and get his Ph.D. so his kids wouldn't have to do the same thing. I'm not sure if it's because I'm compensating for the fact that 2 generations of women in my family don't know how to clean. I'm in an interesting position of privilege. After all, I do go to a private liberal arts school and I will graduate with no debt. But I am also in that position partially because my father, grandfather, and great grandmother worked really really really fucking hard to get me here (I mean it didn't hurt that they were all white, and 2 of them were male, but that's for another post).
Perhaps because I am a hard worker, I love working. I love the nervous feeling you get right before you start a new job. I love the honeymoon period that happens right after you start the job, coming home gushing about free coffee, free flowers, your cool co-workers, your helpful boss. I also appreciate that the honeymoon period ends, and you start to realize the problems with the place you are working, and begin to wish that you could just sleep in when your alarm goes off. But at this point, I tell myself that a job is just a job, it's something that you have to do so you can eat, have a warm house, and put gas in your car. Work is called work for a reason, if you didn't get wiped out from scrubbing pots, didn't get really tired of smiling at people and flirting with old men, didn't get frustrated when you couldn't save the world, you might as well be at home sitting on the couch picking lint out of your belly button.
This is not to say that work is always terrible and not something that one can enjoy. My father has worked for the same place since he was my age, and he loves it. But that's not to say that he loves every meeting, deadline, and bit of bureaucracy that he has to deal with.
At times, I've genuinely enjoyed every job that I've had. I liked the job at the non-profit better than food service, but that's to be expected. I rarely broke a sweat or got covered in spaghetti sauce at the non-profit. But I love smiling at people, talking to bunches of strangers, making peoples' days a little brighter, getting to know co-workers, and of course, getting paid. I'm lucky that I'm a good cafeteria lady, and I think I'm relatively good at working in the food service industry, because I genuinely love people, and am good at dealing with them. Even when my boss is driving me nuts, a customer is mean, and it takes me a longer time to do a task than I would have liked, I remind myself that a job is just a job, and I feel less frustrated, and more like one of billions of people who work jobs that are just jobs.
I'm hoping my job as a catering cafeteria lady isn't my permanent one. I don't think I could ever be as excited about it in the same way that my dad is about his job. Let's be honest, some jobs just invoke more excitement than others. I'm really lucky that working in the Oberlin College dining hall will not be the last stop in my career. And I'm lucky that I came from a situation that will make this possible. But you know what? Even if I do graduate and become a career cafeteria lady, I will work hard at it. Because that's just what you have to do.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Hey Man Look At Me Rocking Out (I'm On the Radio!)
Once upon a time in a crazy little town at a crazy little school, a crazy little girl from another crazy little town was trying to figure out how to survive among people from crazy big towns, in crazy classes, and crazy social situations. And then she found radio, in a slightly bigger, equally crazy town. She went back to her crazy school, and somehow got a show at the radio station. The rest is another story.
My experiences at WOBC have been like a wild and wacky roller coaster where sometimes the seat belts come off and you go upside-down and almost splat on the sidewalk below. If I had a quarter for every time I've said something disparaging about station politics, I would be able to do laundry. For the next 4 years.
But WOBC's been really good to me. Once a week, I get to ramble and play music on my show. I get access to so much music, and get to organize to my heart's content. I get to work the door and take money from cute boys at parties. I get to help lead a group of fellow folk music enthusiasts as we eat snacks, do crossword puzzles, and are incredibly critical of new music that enters the station.
More importantly, I feel more comfortable doing things in the station than I do anywhere else on campus. There's nothing quite as soothing as alphabetizing vinyl blues anthologies when you've just come from 99 cent Margarita night with your ex-boyfriend and are feeling really weird about relationships. There's nothing like making people who intimidate you laugh with your jokes about crapping cds. There's nothing like staying up late in the station finishing a paper listening to disco Christmas music and talking to all of the DJs who come in because you just can't work in the library any more. There's nothing like discovering acd that has some connection to a place you used to live, and feeling transported to a different life stage. Most of the time when I'm in the radio station, my stress and social anxiety temporarily melts away.
Anyway, I really love radio and I really love WOBC. And I think sometimes they both love me.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Chicago!
Things have changed a little bit since I last posted. The biggest and most obvious change is that I'm living in Chicago now! I made a temporary move to a city that I've been threatening to do for a long time (with little intention of ever following up on it). I live with my friend Evan, an amazing banjo player, cook, and all around wonderful guy in an old apartment facing the L train tracks. I'm interning at a non-profit music school that does a lot of really cool musical education/social education programs for children who otherwise wouldn't have access to that kind of thing.
I've been playing and listening to a lot of music (Evan's band, and the band I sometimes play bass with is practicing in the living room as I type this). I've been getting on the train, going to work, coming home, hanging out, getting lost, finding my way, being bad at public transportation, getting better at it, and to tell you the truth, being kind of a lazy bum whenever I can get away with it. Either I have mono or the city is just tuckering me out. But I am learning and seeing wonderful things and becoming braver and (hopefully) smarter in the process.
I really like Chicago. I like living in the city. I like being able to walk to a grocery store where I can get huge leaves of aloe vera, persimmon, fresh baked bread, religious candles, and at least 5 different kinds of yams, even when I'm just going for lettuce, coffee, and egg noodles. I like being able to go to the grocery store and only get 2 bags, because it's just around the corner and I can come back as often as I need to without too much effort. I like being able to get on a train and get to work, or to a bar for a gig, or to my boyfriend's house and not have to worry about dodging deer, accidentally driving intoxicated, or snow. Okay, I do have to worry about sitting in close proximity to crazy people, getting mugged, and getting on the wrong bus/train. But I can worry about these things while reading or thinking my own thoughts and not using more fossil fuels than would be used in the city anyway. I don't really go places by myself at night and don't use the alley entrance to my apartment when it's really late. I stopped wearing super nice clothing to work and in certain places in my neighborhood because it makes me stand out too much.
I guess the point is that I'm having fun, doing my best to be safe, and working hard when I'm not asleep on my queen-sized air mattress. Jury's still out on whether I'd want to live in a city for an extended stay, but that's a trial that can go on for as long as it has to.
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