How to Have An Awesome Wedding

Since graduating from high school, I have been a guest at 5 weddings, been a bridesmaid in one, played music for one, and worked catering for one wedding.  These have all been beautiful, enjoyable, moving events.  Two of the weddings were the weddings of complete strangers, and at both of those I got a little dust in my eyes.  I used to date someone with an ex-wife.  My brother thinks I'll get married young and divorced soon after.  I pride myself on knowing a good time when I see one.  Plus, I just watched like 5 episodes of Say Yes to the Dress.  I'm pretty sure that these experiences makes me an expert on the subject of weddings.  So here are the wedding tips I have gathered over the years and feel the need to share with the world.

 According to my mother and various other sources, you don't really remember too many details of your own wedding.  So in my eyes, the wedding is less about the party that is being thrown for you, and more about providing a way for your guests to have fun while being incredibly happy for you as you get this piece of paper that legitimizes in the eyes of the state something that shouldn't need to be made legitimate in the eyes of the law (so this is a little convoluted, but it's pretty messed up that I'll be able to marry whatever schmuck I want while my roommate who is gay won't be able to marry the love of his life.  Guys, love shouldn't need a piece of paper to make it real.  Moving on.).  Basically, your wedding should be the best party you will ever throw.  The best parties ever aren't perfect, but they are fun.

1. On the subject of alcohol at weddings:
Unless the bride or groom are recovering alcoholics or 16, you should serve alcohol at your wedding.  You don't need an open bar because those are expensive, but at the very least, tap a keg or something.  Here's why:
    - Most of the guests at the wedding will know very few people besides you.  I've been to weddings of close friends, relatives, co-workers, and complete strangers, and at every single one, I have known less than 1/5 of the guests.  And guess what?  Unless you're the ones getting married, or you're marrying your cousin or you're only inviting like 20 people, the vast majority of people at your wedding won't know very many of the guests.  Plus there's always so much pressure from DJs to dance to stupid songs at the reception (more on this in Point 3).  This is where the socially lubricating powers of alcohol can come in handy.  Even if you don't know very many people, you can still get drunk for free with the people you don't know as you celebrate the union of your friends.  Okay, this is kind of sad and is perhaps the kind of thing that will jeopardize my ability to get a job, so I'm just gonna quit while I'm ahead.  But have booze.

2.  The service itself/the sermon:
Look, religion is very personal and very important to a lot of people.  Even if I don't share your religious beliefs, I respect them.  I also respect the person who is officiating the ceremony, and their choice of words for the service.


However, I cannot respect them if they make that "Woah-man" joke.  If you're not familiar, let me fill you in.


Preacher:  So God made Adam.  But Adam was lonely.  So God did some stuff to Adam's rib and made Eve.  When Adam saw Eve, he was like "Woah-man!"  And that's why we called Eve Woman.
Audience: *Polite laughter*
Me: *Eyes roll out of head, subtly vomits into handbag*


This joke has been made at 1/4 of the weddings I have attended.  Don't get me wrong, I love bad jokes.  But this one is just too much, especially when it is followed by a lecture from the preacher about how the wife is supposed to submit to the husband.
  

3.  Music at weddings: 
As a musician, radio nerd, and aspiring Radio Personality, music at the wedding reception is one of the things that can really determine the tone of the party.
Many wedding DJs seem to think that it is their responsibility to get as many people on to the dance floor as possible.  While in theory, I agree, in practice, most DJs sink to really low levels to get there, by playing intergenerational crowd-pleasers, and what I call the Trifecta of Bad Wedding Songs: YMCA, You Make Me Wanna Shout, and the Cha Cha Slide (sometimes these can be replaced by The Twist, The Electric Slide, or Cotton Eyed Joe.  But for our purposes, they're the same).  Again, I appreciate all of these songs in isolation.  I also like it when a lot of other people dance.  But these songs are often accompanied by pressure on the entire crowd to get up and dance.

Let's be honest:
a). Some people would rather sit and talk to people
b). Some people are bad dancers and don't like to dance.  Let's just keep those folks off the dance floor.
c). Some people can't physically dance.  DJs don't need to make them feel like they're not contributing to the fun for not getting out on the floor if they can't walk much less do that ridiculous thing where everyone squats on the ground during You Make Me Wanna Shout.
d). Sometimes people have dry weddings.  See Point 1.

My advice to those who are getting married?  Play the music that you want to have played.  At the wedding I recently helped cater, the bride and groom did exactly this.  They played classic rock, new pop, and some really great old songs.  They also played You Make Me Wanna Shout, followed by the Cha Cha Slide, almost followed by the YMCA, but then the MC was all "JK, we won't do that to you."  Because intergenerational crowd pleasers are fine as long as most of the other songs are better.

4.  Bathrooms at weddings:
Have lots and lots of them.  If it's outside, rent Porta-Potties.  Because you can't enjoy the party for your friends if you're waiting in line to pee.

5. Outdoor weddings:
If they happen in the summer in the South, make sure there is a place nearby where your Grandma can escape to the AC.  Because heat stroke/people leaving early because they're too hot is a bummer.  Also make sure there is plenty of water.

6. Dust:
I don't know if it's because wedding venues are used frequently by lots of different people and are difficult to clean, or if there's some kind of crazy pollen during outdoor wedding season, or if I'm just a sentimental fool, but my eyes water a lot at weddings.  It's almost a given that someone (me) will be bawling like a little baby during the ceremony, while reading the program, watching the Father-Daughter dance, hearing the speeches, singing the hymns, or just watching the reactions of the other guests (cause love is beautiful, m'kay?).  So I guess what I'm saying is, make sure there are tissues or give out handkerchiefs or waterproof mascara with your names on it as favors, perhaps.

Conclusion:
Ultimately, you will plan the wedding you will plan.  Perhaps by the time I get married, I will care less about the music (or will have had a head injury that makes me absolutely love the Trifecta of Bad Wedding Songs), or won't be so hung up on making sure everyone has a great time as I am getting wedding planning over with so I can just enjoy tax benefits.  But I sure hope not.  In about 10 years, I'm hoping to have a hell of a party.  And maybe if you're lucky, you'll be invited.