Scorpio:
Your birthday will happen.
It will be a party of epic proportions. It will be like something from a Ke$ha song. But be careful not to add too much caffeine powder to the Faux Loco or you could be spending your birthday in the hospital.
Lucky numbers: 0 - ∞
Sagittarius:
Your favorite South African rap crew will release a video featuring a whole lot of black face. You will spend much of the next week feeling uncomfortable and silently boycotting their music, then listen to their cds over and over on a 7 hour car trip.
On the 15th, you'll get a pimple.
Capricorn:
An estranged ex will get engaged. While Facebook stalking their fiancee, you discover that their degree in communications is from the University of Phoenix. You will feel triumphant for a hot sec, before you discover a picture of the fiance in a bikini.
On the 2nd, someone cute will "Poke" you on Facebook. Poke back. Who knows what will happen?
Aquarius:
You are on fire this month, water symbol! And by on fire, I mean particularly susceptible to burns. Let someone else do the cooking for a change. And don't forget to unplug your curling iron.
On the 6th, a politician you like will win their race. Another politician you also like will lose their race.
Pisces:
You are the picture of good health. Your hair is long and luscious, you are eating plenty of fruits and vegetables and going to the gym almost every day. You're doing great. But don't be a jerk about it. Stop being so self-righteous and focus on the fact that your lifestyle isn't what everyone can do. Have a deep fried pickle. Secondhand smoke a cigarette.
Lucky numbers: 6 6 & 6
Aries:
Procrastination is your worst enemy this month, but also your best friend. While procrastinating getting out of bed in the morning, you will narrowly miss getting hit by a meteorite. So savor the warmth of your bed. Don't write that report until the last minute. Let your laundry pile up. It could save your life.
On the 22nd, you will eat too much.
Taurus:
A long lost friend will come out of the woodwork with the opportunity of a lifetime. Take it. Or don't and try to find satisfaction in your boring existence.
The weekend of the 9th will be filled with awesome birthday parties. The best way to remove glitter from your eyeball is probably with one of those emergency eyewash things in science classrooms but I doubt there will be one of those at your friend's 23rd birthday blow out, now will there?
Gemini:
You will finally be forced to face your irrational fear of twins when a friend or loved one announces that they are pregnant with them. I suggest watching both versions of the Parent Trap back to back for an entire 24 hours. Then sending a bunch of diapers to the baby shower.
Lucky number: 2 (jk)
Cancer:
You will have an awesome month. Despite the fact that there is a horrible disease named after your zodiac symbol. Why did they call it Cancer? Couldn't they have named a health issue that is more treatable and less serious after your symbol? Like head lice? That sort of makes sense.
Anyway, you'll be lucky in love and your career will take off but also on the 16th you will have a wardrobe malfunction. Stay away from vents and Justin Timberlake.
Leo:
A high school classmate will get married. You won't get invited. But don't worry, it will be a dry reception and there won't be any single people of your preferred sexual preference under the age of 50 and over the age of 10.
On November 31st, you will recite the 30 days hath September April June and November poem and realize that it is actually December.
Virgo:
You will get promoted. Or hired. Or a raise. Either way, look sharp at work because you're looking at a great month. It probably won't hurt to find out your boss's favorite color and incorporate it into every outfit. Plus your friend will have an awesome birthday party. You should come. And bring cupcakes and booze. Your friend is probably really into red velvet cake and Bulleit Rye right now.
Lucky numbers: one million and 2
Libra:
This month is going to be kind of boring because I'm tired of writing fake horoscopes and already used up all of my good ideas. It would probably be a great time to organize your sock drawer, befriend someone without a personality, and start dating someone with a beautiful face and a baseball card collection.
Something more exciting will happen on the 26th. It will probably involve parking in a different place at work or finding 5 cents on the ground.
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