Advice from Brickle Marie Lockman, my 8 year old male cat
Dear Brickle,
I'm trying to impress a really pretty girl at my high school. I don't have any song-writing skills and don't have a lot of money, but I do have a heart full of love. Do you have any suggestions?
-Crazy in Love
Dear Crazy in Love,
Love is a many-splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love. And all you need to impress someone you love is to kill something for her. Preferably a rodent. Girls dig that shit. Then you should place it on the ground at her feet, then lie on your back and roll around, exposing your bare belly into the air. Seriously, she'll be trying to make you sleep on her bed in no time.
Dear Brickle,
I am an ascetic. You see, I'm trying to distance myself from worldly pleasures and reach a higher plane of being. But every time I come close to reaching some sort of enlightenment, I accidentally think about sex. I know by the peace sign on your face that you probably know the meaning of life.
Help me please.
-Ascetic in Aspen
Dear Ass-cetic in Aspen (being wise doesn't make you mature!),
As a cat, I can relate to many of the problems that humans face. This however, is one that I no longer can comprehend. After a kittenhood spent enjoying worldly pleasures, I left my birthplace in the green boxes to find the meaning of life. I searched for about a mile, then found a place where someone would consistently feed me. I got sidetracked from my mission for enlightenment by a brief dependency on canned cat food, when lo and behold, I was put in a box, and taken to a building, and when I woke up, my testicles were gone. I'm not sure who my savior in a white lab coat was, but they turned my body into the perfect vehicle to reach enlightenment. After that, I never thought about sex again, except for one time when I realized how weird it is that babies are basically made from bodily fluids.
So what I'm trying to say, is snip that shiz. Problem solved.
Dear Brickle,
For a variety of reasons, I have trouble being physically intimate with anyone. Even hugs make me feel uncomfortable. I've been working through this in therapy, but I thought you might have some advice. I've been seeing a wonderful man who is kind, handsome, funny, smart, and rich. I really really really like him Brickle. He really really really likes me. We've been dating for about a month, however, I just don't really feel comfortable letting him do more than hold my hand, and even that took a long time. He urged me to write to you for advice about this. I don't want to lose him, but I also don't think I'm ready to be more physically intimate with him. Can you help?
-Don't Touch Me in Dallas
Dear Don't Touch Me,
You go girl! Physical intimacy is gross! For example, Janney used to try and pick me up and give me kissies on my face and belly and get me to sit on her lap and scratch my ears. So I'd squirm away then hide from her because hands are weird! My advice is to squirm as much as possible making it impossible for him to hold on to you.
Oh wait, I just read the other part of the letter about you wanting to keep him. Here's how you do it. Pick one part of your body (for me, it is my belly) that you will expose and let him touch sporadically. Pretend like you enjoy it. They'll keep trying to come back for more. Then, every 6 years or so, climb on to their stomach and pretend to sleep. They'll feel so flattered that you finally decided to be physically affectionate with them, but also you're on their stomach so if you weigh about 20 pounds like me, they won't be able to breathe after a few minutes, and will make you get off of them. Perfect plan!
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