Beauty Tips for the Uninitiated

If I wrote a beauty advice column, everything would sound sort of like this.

Exercise and Diet:

People often say that I am not obese.  My secret? Not thinking about food too much.  But I also mostly eat vegetables.  And the occasional batch of biscuits.  And lots of eggs.  Lean proteins.  Plenty of butter for a healthy glow.  Exercise 3-4 times a week.  Lift weights.  Be anxious and jiggle your legs to burn extra calories.  Forget about calories and just eat when you're hungry.  But honestly I've been genetically blessed.  My father's high school photos look like something for a PSA about starvation in Eastern Europe (we won't talk about the honker and the sweat glands of a hairy middle aged man that I have also inherited from him).  But also, I'm pretty sure I have a tapeworm.

Hair Care:

Wash your hair less than you think you should.  Spend a month washing your hair with baking soda and vinegar.  Decide that you miss the scent and lather of shampoo.  When this happens, switch back to shampoo and discover the ability to go days with out washing your hair.  Alternatively, be born with really thick hair that hides the grease.  If you have straight hair brush it.  If you have curly hair, don't.

Don't attempt to give yourself blonde hair by dipping part of it in bleach.  It doesn't work.  Sleep with your hair down.  Also, genetics help.

Skin Care: 

When I was in middle school, I remember a friend telling me the beauty routine of one of the most popular girls in the school.  The thing that stuck out the most was that the girl put lotion all over her body after she got out of the shower.  Five years later, I remembered this tip and started doing this.  You too can have skin as soft as a baby's bottom (but actually that's kind of gross).

Facial Skin Care: 

Wash your face every night before you go to bed.  Change your pillow cases.  Go on hormonal birth control.  If your acne isn't cured, it will possible get better.  Or not.  Sorry.

Also, wear a moisturizer with sunscreen every single day.  Drink lots of water.  Get lots of sleep.  (Kidding about that one, who has time for that).  If you insist on smoking, only do it second-hand.

Makeup:

If you don't wear it, wear it.  It's seriously not that hard.  If you wear it, you're probably wearing too much.  Don't wear tons of foundation, it's bad for your skin.  Plus, you probably don't need it.  Actually, just wear eye makeup.  Or don't wear makeup.  Just make sure you wear SPF moisturizer.

But just wear it.  At least some mascara?  And maybe some lipstick on occasion?

Unless you're one of those people who naturally looks like they're wearing mascara.  In that case, I hate you. 

Teeth:

In this matter, I am not genetically blessed.  Just brush 'em and smile a lot.