It has come to my attention recently (okay, like 2 hours ago when I was almost hit by a bicycle crossing the street that was turning right on red) that the vast majority of people in motion in Oberlin are complete idiots. Okay, maybe not just in Oberlin. Probably in the rest of the world too. You text in the crosswalks, tailgate people on your bicycles on sidewalks, you honk your horns unnecessarily. While I can't claim to be the best pedestrian/cyclist/motorist, I have managed to live for 23 years, so clearly I am an expert on the subject.
The following are some tips that I have for not dying/not harming anyone else while in motion. Read it, it's for ya health. #YODO (You Only Die Once) and you don't want to die because you ran a red light on your bicycle. These tips address things that make me incredibly cranky/have almost injured me/lead me to almost injuring someone. Let's start with the most basic mode of transit: the walk.
Pedestrians:
Congratulations! In the USA, you legally have the right of way. In reality, there are regional differences as to whether or not someone is going to actually give you the right of way. Not to mention the fact that cars weigh like 400 times more than you. If you do chose to assert your right of way, remember that just because cars aren't supposed to run you over, doesn't mean that you should cross the street while texting on a green light like a dumbass.
Bicyclists:
Yes, I know that you are moving faster than me on my feet and are better for the environment than me in my car. But stop being so smug and start following the rules. Even though you are more eco-friendly and less deadly than a car, you still should behave like one. Would you be upset if you saw someone driving their car on a crowded sidewalk? Then don't ride your bike on the sidewalk, especially when you're biking in flipping Oberlin Ohio where there isn't really any traffic and there are also bike lanes on certain streets. If you're too scared to bike on the road, then you should probably be walking. To those bicyclists who do bike on the road, keep up the good work. Just don't run red lights because I've definitely seen a cop car pull over a bicyclist who ran a red light. Also, if you are taking a legal right on a red light, make sure there are no pedestrians that are over halfway across the street that you end up scaring half to death. Don't be a jerk like the brazen hussy who almost ran me down today in front of the Con.
Motorists:
Being a motorist in Oberlin is frustrating, mostly because there are so many morons on foot and on bicycle. Instead of wielding our power for the bad we must be generous with our time, and hope that our patience with dumbasses of all modes of transit with result in great rewards in heaven, like gas that is only 99 cents a gallon. Also, if you are behind someone and they are going slower than you in a town where the speed limit is 35, please don't tailgate or honk your horn. They could be driving that slowly because their car is broken, they are drunk, or because they had to wake up at 5:35 in the morning to go to work and they have an irrational fear that the road will be icy.
So, YODO and YOLO folks. You don't want to die because you were jaywalking in an ice storm and you only live once, so you don't want to spend it dealing with the guilt of the time you broke someone's leg because you were biking on the flipping SIDEWALK like a imbecile. So don't be a dumbass and don't be a jerk, and we all can get along just fine.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Horrorscopes December 2012
What people are saying about Horrorscopes:
"My Horrorscope for November was spot on. And you should trust me because I'm an astronomer." Lou, 43, a totally non-fictional astronomer
"Horrorscopes perfectly capture the crippling feelings of uncertainty of every day life that I was merely able to attempt with my hit single "Stars are Blind." If only all amateur astrologers could be so honest." - Paris Hilton
Sagittarius:
Happy birthday half-horse half-dude thing! Unfortunately, you will spend most of it doing damage control from when you found out the hard way that Cyber Monday has nothing to do with sex. You might want to send everyone you accidentally sent lewd pictures to a note of apology. Just don't do it via GChat or you might find yourself with a restraining order.
Lucky numbers: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Capricorn:
Jesus might have been a Capricorn (actually he was probs born in the spring but w/e) but that doesn't mean everyone likes Christmas music as much as you do. Maybe you should turn down the volume on Little Drummer Boy when you drive past the neighborhood synagogue (and my house) with the windows rolled down.
On the 1st, you will find your dental floss and remember to floss your teeth.
Aquarius:
Why do people find the holidays so stressful? Oh because they do all the work. This year, don't stress, just show up. Do the dishes or something. People will admire your aura of calm and try to spill all the family secrets to you. When they do that, grab the bottle of Manischewitz that your grandmother inexplicably keeps in her coat closet and chug it. If they reveal uncomfortable secrets about someone's paternity, you'll be too hammered to remember!
Lucky number: 867-5309
Pisces:
I see you picking up discarded cigarette cartons you pass on the ground, checking to see if they're not empty then throwing them back down when they are. Here's a tip: they probably are and if they aren't they probably had strangers' hands on them. Smoking is gross enough as it is, leave the packs alone, or if you insist on checking, put them in the trashcan afterwards. A better way to get free cigarettes is to bum them from that asthmatic cutie who sits behind you in class and sounds like they're hacking up a lung every time they cough.
On the 31st you will make plans to quit a bad habit
Aries:
You're going to have a month full of parties and dancing in exciting locations. Check out a club or two over the holidays. Go to that awkward party in your high school classmate's parents' basement. See how many rooms you can push to capacity. Have fun, but whatever you do, do not Google "disco fires."
Lucky number: However many fire escapes there are in the building
Taurus:
Your cooking abilities are getting better all the time. However, don't get cocky when dealing with raw meat and eggs. If you think the vomiting that occurred the night after you made deep fried salmon cakes was just a coincidence, think again. Invest in a meat thermometer when you're cooking the holiday turkey, or you could end up with salmonella. Again.
Lucky number: 400 degrees
Gemini:
The weather is getting colder in the Northern Hemisphere. Know what that means? It's time to find a Winter Boyfriend/Girlfriend. The ideal Winter Boyfriend/Girlfriend will have a large bed, lots of body hair, and Netflix. You will choose wisely this year.
Watch out for people dressed as Santa Claus on the 26th. They're probably really confused.
Cancer:
The fact that you will have one of the best holiday seasons of your life does not negate the fact that the name of your zodiac sign has such horrible connotations.
Lucky numbers: 31 1
Leo:
I know you are afraid that someone is going to put an engagement ring in your food and you will choke on it. However, this fear is irrational if you are in fact single. If you're dating someone, take small bites of anything edible they give you. Chew slowly too because I've heard it hurts like the dickens when you bite into someone's dead grandmother's engagement ring.
On the night 4th of December you will have a weirdest dream ever and wake up on the morning of the 5th unable to remember it. Better luck next time.
Virgo:
Last month was really great, but you were also kind of an asshole because you didn't show up to Scorpio's birthday party. You should probably grovel or bake them a cake or something. Only God can judge you.
Lucky numbers: 333 X 2
Libra:
As the great Justin Timberlake once said "What goes around comes around comes around karma karma baby back around." If you had kind of a boring November, it's not because you did anything wrong. It was probably because of one of your past lives. I'd suggest sacrificing a goat and volunteering to water your neighbor's Christmas tree while they're on vacation would be sufficient penance to guarantee a more exciting new year.
On the 15th someone will give you the best nickname of your life.
Scorpio:
I know you've been burdened with the weight of your genius recently, but you've been staying up too late. Even though you hate to relax and are way too sexy to do that anyway, you should try it. Maybe start by not drinking a pot of coffee after dinner. This month might kind of suck but you'd better enjoy it because #YOLO
On the 21st the world might end. You should probably wait to turn in all of your finals until the 22nd, just in case.
"My Horrorscope for November was spot on. And you should trust me because I'm an astronomer." Lou, 43, a totally non-fictional astronomer
"Horrorscopes perfectly capture the crippling feelings of uncertainty of every day life that I was merely able to attempt with my hit single "Stars are Blind." If only all amateur astrologers could be so honest." - Paris Hilton
Sagittarius:
Happy birthday half-horse half-dude thing! Unfortunately, you will spend most of it doing damage control from when you found out the hard way that Cyber Monday has nothing to do with sex. You might want to send everyone you accidentally sent lewd pictures to a note of apology. Just don't do it via GChat or you might find yourself with a restraining order.
Lucky numbers: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Capricorn:
Jesus might have been a Capricorn (actually he was probs born in the spring but w/e) but that doesn't mean everyone likes Christmas music as much as you do. Maybe you should turn down the volume on Little Drummer Boy when you drive past the neighborhood synagogue (and my house) with the windows rolled down.
On the 1st, you will find your dental floss and remember to floss your teeth.
Aquarius:
Why do people find the holidays so stressful? Oh because they do all the work. This year, don't stress, just show up. Do the dishes or something. People will admire your aura of calm and try to spill all the family secrets to you. When they do that, grab the bottle of Manischewitz that your grandmother inexplicably keeps in her coat closet and chug it. If they reveal uncomfortable secrets about someone's paternity, you'll be too hammered to remember!
Lucky number: 867-5309
Pisces:
I see you picking up discarded cigarette cartons you pass on the ground, checking to see if they're not empty then throwing them back down when they are. Here's a tip: they probably are and if they aren't they probably had strangers' hands on them. Smoking is gross enough as it is, leave the packs alone, or if you insist on checking, put them in the trashcan afterwards. A better way to get free cigarettes is to bum them from that asthmatic cutie who sits behind you in class and sounds like they're hacking up a lung every time they cough.
On the 31st you will make plans to quit a bad habit
Aries:
You're going to have a month full of parties and dancing in exciting locations. Check out a club or two over the holidays. Go to that awkward party in your high school classmate's parents' basement. See how many rooms you can push to capacity. Have fun, but whatever you do, do not Google "disco fires."
Lucky number: However many fire escapes there are in the building
Taurus:
Your cooking abilities are getting better all the time. However, don't get cocky when dealing with raw meat and eggs. If you think the vomiting that occurred the night after you made deep fried salmon cakes was just a coincidence, think again. Invest in a meat thermometer when you're cooking the holiday turkey, or you could end up with salmonella. Again.
Lucky number: 400 degrees
Gemini:
The weather is getting colder in the Northern Hemisphere. Know what that means? It's time to find a Winter Boyfriend/Girlfriend. The ideal Winter Boyfriend/Girlfriend will have a large bed, lots of body hair, and Netflix. You will choose wisely this year.
Watch out for people dressed as Santa Claus on the 26th. They're probably really confused.
Cancer:
The fact that you will have one of the best holiday seasons of your life does not negate the fact that the name of your zodiac sign has such horrible connotations.
Lucky numbers: 31 1
Leo:
I know you are afraid that someone is going to put an engagement ring in your food and you will choke on it. However, this fear is irrational if you are in fact single. If you're dating someone, take small bites of anything edible they give you. Chew slowly too because I've heard it hurts like the dickens when you bite into someone's dead grandmother's engagement ring.
On the night 4th of December you will have a weirdest dream ever and wake up on the morning of the 5th unable to remember it. Better luck next time.
Virgo:
Last month was really great, but you were also kind of an asshole because you didn't show up to Scorpio's birthday party. You should probably grovel or bake them a cake or something. Only God can judge you.
Lucky numbers: 333 X 2
Libra:
As the great Justin Timberlake once said "What goes around comes around comes around karma karma baby back around." If you had kind of a boring November, it's not because you did anything wrong. It was probably because of one of your past lives. I'd suggest sacrificing a goat and volunteering to water your neighbor's Christmas tree while they're on vacation would be sufficient penance to guarantee a more exciting new year.
On the 15th someone will give you the best nickname of your life.
Scorpio:
I know you've been burdened with the weight of your genius recently, but you've been staying up too late. Even though you hate to relax and are way too sexy to do that anyway, you should try it. Maybe start by not drinking a pot of coffee after dinner. This month might kind of suck but you'd better enjoy it because #YOLO
On the 21st the world might end. You should probably wait to turn in all of your finals until the 22nd, just in case.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Nothing Short of Thankful
I'd like to hope that I show my gratitude frequently enough that Thanksgiving is not the only day that I acknowledge how fortunate/privileged/lucky/blessed I am. But it's that time of year and I've been having a lot of Thoughts that need to manifest in the form of Words. Plus I read my friend Zoe's list of things she was thankful for and might have gotten a little dust in my eye when she talked about her family (what can I say, mimicry is the highest form of flattery amirite?). So here is a poorly introduced list of things I'm thankful for.
1. I'm thankful that I am an American.
Yes. I know that's not what you expected to see first on this list. I am a liberal, hairy (sometimes) well-educated well-traveled feminist Fabulachian bad-ass. I have many feelings about the way our system of governance works and many of them are not positive. I've been known to say that I hate most Americans.
But gosh darnit, if I don't love the United States of America. I love that our national bird is a carrion eater. I love that beer companies make patriotic cans in the summer. I love the islands of Hawaii, the green mountains of West Virginia, the deserts of Utah, the clusterfuck that is the mid-Atlantic, the red soil in East Tennessee, the tight hollers of Kentucky, the vast loneliness of the Great Lakes in winter, and even the way Ohio looks when it's cloudy. I love that we all have silly accents and we don't have mandatory military service and have free education but get so pissy about paying our taxes. I don't think we're the best nation in the world, but this is where I'm from. Even when my throat is sore from cursing politicians and my eyes are watery from hearing about health issues caused by environmental devastation and my heart is heavy because there's nothing I can do to fix it all, this is my home and I'm gonna do my best by it.
2. I'm thankful that I'm single.
Not because I'm having the wildest best time ever! (Because I'm not). But because I'm preparing to head into a fairly uncertain time in my life, and I'm glad that I won't have to take into account the future of another person when I make my decisions.
3. I'm thankful for my education.
More and more I'm realizing how much I've learned at Oberlin. I can write well and think critically, which is unfortunately not something that everyone knows how to do.
4. I'm thankful for my family.
Y'all have supported me even when I stopped saying "yous guys" and started saying "y'all" because "y'all" isn't gendered but also because I moved to Kentucky. I don't know if I've turned out the way you expected, but I'm turning out and it couldn't have happened without you. Plus you've supported me mentally, emotionally, and financially. In a month I will have so much more time for you.
5. I'm thankful for my friends
This world is a hard place and I have a natural tendency to deal with it all on my own. But you won't let me do it. When I'm trying to spend the night in my house and in my head sewing, you text me and ask me if I want to get a drink. You're there when I leave my house and there physically or in spirit when I get home. You're in so many different states and countries and places that I haven't been to. I drew a cartoon at the beginning of the summer of a girl trying to hold together pieces of her heart that are being pulled all across the country. But you're pushing back and everything is still in one piece. You all inspire me constantly with your kindness, intelligence, creativity, humor, conscientiousness, and love. And because I have had you in my life, I realize that I must be a pretty decent person too.
1. I'm thankful that I am an American.
Yes. I know that's not what you expected to see first on this list. I am a liberal, hairy (sometimes) well-educated well-traveled feminist Fabulachian bad-ass. I have many feelings about the way our system of governance works and many of them are not positive. I've been known to say that I hate most Americans.
But gosh darnit, if I don't love the United States of America. I love that our national bird is a carrion eater. I love that beer companies make patriotic cans in the summer. I love the islands of Hawaii, the green mountains of West Virginia, the deserts of Utah, the clusterfuck that is the mid-Atlantic, the red soil in East Tennessee, the tight hollers of Kentucky, the vast loneliness of the Great Lakes in winter, and even the way Ohio looks when it's cloudy. I love that we all have silly accents and we don't have mandatory military service and have free education but get so pissy about paying our taxes. I don't think we're the best nation in the world, but this is where I'm from. Even when my throat is sore from cursing politicians and my eyes are watery from hearing about health issues caused by environmental devastation and my heart is heavy because there's nothing I can do to fix it all, this is my home and I'm gonna do my best by it.
2. I'm thankful that I'm single.
Not because I'm having the wildest best time ever! (Because I'm not). But because I'm preparing to head into a fairly uncertain time in my life, and I'm glad that I won't have to take into account the future of another person when I make my decisions.
3. I'm thankful for my education.
More and more I'm realizing how much I've learned at Oberlin. I can write well and think critically, which is unfortunately not something that everyone knows how to do.
4. I'm thankful for my family.
Y'all have supported me even when I stopped saying "yous guys" and started saying "y'all" because "y'all" isn't gendered but also because I moved to Kentucky. I don't know if I've turned out the way you expected, but I'm turning out and it couldn't have happened without you. Plus you've supported me mentally, emotionally, and financially. In a month I will have so much more time for you.
5. I'm thankful for my friends
This world is a hard place and I have a natural tendency to deal with it all on my own. But you won't let me do it. When I'm trying to spend the night in my house and in my head sewing, you text me and ask me if I want to get a drink. You're there when I leave my house and there physically or in spirit when I get home. You're in so many different states and countries and places that I haven't been to. I drew a cartoon at the beginning of the summer of a girl trying to hold together pieces of her heart that are being pulled all across the country. But you're pushing back and everything is still in one piece. You all inspire me constantly with your kindness, intelligence, creativity, humor, conscientiousness, and love. And because I have had you in my life, I realize that I must be a pretty decent person too.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Horrorscopes: The Month of November
Scorpio:
Your birthday will happen.
It will be a party of epic proportions. It will be like something from a Ke$ha song. But be careful not to add too much caffeine powder to the Faux Loco or you could be spending your birthday in the hospital.
Lucky numbers: 0 - ∞
Sagittarius:
Your favorite South African rap crew will release a video featuring a whole lot of black face. You will spend much of the next week feeling uncomfortable and silently boycotting their music, then listen to their cds over and over on a 7 hour car trip.
On the 15th, you'll get a pimple.
Capricorn:
An estranged ex will get engaged. While Facebook stalking their fiancee, you discover that their degree in communications is from the University of Phoenix. You will feel triumphant for a hot sec, before you discover a picture of the fiance in a bikini.
On the 2nd, someone cute will "Poke" you on Facebook. Poke back. Who knows what will happen?
Aquarius:
You are on fire this month, water symbol! And by on fire, I mean particularly susceptible to burns. Let someone else do the cooking for a change. And don't forget to unplug your curling iron.
On the 6th, a politician you like will win their race. Another politician you also like will lose their race.
Pisces:
You are the picture of good health. Your hair is long and luscious, you are eating plenty of fruits and vegetables and going to the gym almost every day. You're doing great. But don't be a jerk about it. Stop being so self-righteous and focus on the fact that your lifestyle isn't what everyone can do. Have a deep fried pickle. Secondhand smoke a cigarette.
Lucky numbers: 6 6 & 6
Aries:
Procrastination is your worst enemy this month, but also your best friend. While procrastinating getting out of bed in the morning, you will narrowly miss getting hit by a meteorite. So savor the warmth of your bed. Don't write that report until the last minute. Let your laundry pile up. It could save your life.
On the 22nd, you will eat too much.
Taurus:
A long lost friend will come out of the woodwork with the opportunity of a lifetime. Take it. Or don't and try to find satisfaction in your boring existence.
The weekend of the 9th will be filled with awesome birthday parties. The best way to remove glitter from your eyeball is probably with one of those emergency eyewash things in science classrooms but I doubt there will be one of those at your friend's 23rd birthday blow out, now will there?
Gemini:
You will finally be forced to face your irrational fear of twins when a friend or loved one announces that they are pregnant with them. I suggest watching both versions of the Parent Trap back to back for an entire 24 hours. Then sending a bunch of diapers to the baby shower.
Lucky number: 2 (jk)
Cancer:
You will have an awesome month. Despite the fact that there is a horrible disease named after your zodiac symbol. Why did they call it Cancer? Couldn't they have named a health issue that is more treatable and less serious after your symbol? Like head lice? That sort of makes sense.
Anyway, you'll be lucky in love and your career will take off but also on the 16th you will have a wardrobe malfunction. Stay away from vents and Justin Timberlake.
Leo:
A high school classmate will get married. You won't get invited. But don't worry, it will be a dry reception and there won't be any single people of your preferred sexual preference under the age of 50 and over the age of 10.
On November 31st, you will recite the 30 days hath September April June and November poem and realize that it is actually December.
Virgo:
You will get promoted. Or hired. Or a raise. Either way, look sharp at work because you're looking at a great month. It probably won't hurt to find out your boss's favorite color and incorporate it into every outfit. Plus your friend will have an awesome birthday party. You should come. And bring cupcakes and booze. Your friend is probably really into red velvet cake and Bulleit Rye right now.
Lucky numbers: one million and 2
Libra:
This month is going to be kind of boring because I'm tired of writing fake horoscopes and already used up all of my good ideas. It would probably be a great time to organize your sock drawer, befriend someone without a personality, and start dating someone with a beautiful face and a baseball card collection.
Something more exciting will happen on the 26th. It will probably involve parking in a different place at work or finding 5 cents on the ground.
Your birthday will happen.
It will be a party of epic proportions. It will be like something from a Ke$ha song. But be careful not to add too much caffeine powder to the Faux Loco or you could be spending your birthday in the hospital.
Lucky numbers: 0 - ∞
Sagittarius:
Your favorite South African rap crew will release a video featuring a whole lot of black face. You will spend much of the next week feeling uncomfortable and silently boycotting their music, then listen to their cds over and over on a 7 hour car trip.
On the 15th, you'll get a pimple.
Capricorn:
An estranged ex will get engaged. While Facebook stalking their fiancee, you discover that their degree in communications is from the University of Phoenix. You will feel triumphant for a hot sec, before you discover a picture of the fiance in a bikini.
On the 2nd, someone cute will "Poke" you on Facebook. Poke back. Who knows what will happen?
Aquarius:
You are on fire this month, water symbol! And by on fire, I mean particularly susceptible to burns. Let someone else do the cooking for a change. And don't forget to unplug your curling iron.
On the 6th, a politician you like will win their race. Another politician you also like will lose their race.
Pisces:
You are the picture of good health. Your hair is long and luscious, you are eating plenty of fruits and vegetables and going to the gym almost every day. You're doing great. But don't be a jerk about it. Stop being so self-righteous and focus on the fact that your lifestyle isn't what everyone can do. Have a deep fried pickle. Secondhand smoke a cigarette.
Lucky numbers: 6 6 & 6
Aries:
Procrastination is your worst enemy this month, but also your best friend. While procrastinating getting out of bed in the morning, you will narrowly miss getting hit by a meteorite. So savor the warmth of your bed. Don't write that report until the last minute. Let your laundry pile up. It could save your life.
On the 22nd, you will eat too much.
Taurus:
A long lost friend will come out of the woodwork with the opportunity of a lifetime. Take it. Or don't and try to find satisfaction in your boring existence.
The weekend of the 9th will be filled with awesome birthday parties. The best way to remove glitter from your eyeball is probably with one of those emergency eyewash things in science classrooms but I doubt there will be one of those at your friend's 23rd birthday blow out, now will there?
Gemini:
You will finally be forced to face your irrational fear of twins when a friend or loved one announces that they are pregnant with them. I suggest watching both versions of the Parent Trap back to back for an entire 24 hours. Then sending a bunch of diapers to the baby shower.
Lucky number: 2 (jk)
Cancer:
You will have an awesome month. Despite the fact that there is a horrible disease named after your zodiac symbol. Why did they call it Cancer? Couldn't they have named a health issue that is more treatable and less serious after your symbol? Like head lice? That sort of makes sense.
Anyway, you'll be lucky in love and your career will take off but also on the 16th you will have a wardrobe malfunction. Stay away from vents and Justin Timberlake.
Leo:
A high school classmate will get married. You won't get invited. But don't worry, it will be a dry reception and there won't be any single people of your preferred sexual preference under the age of 50 and over the age of 10.
On November 31st, you will recite the 30 days hath September April June and November poem and realize that it is actually December.
Virgo:
You will get promoted. Or hired. Or a raise. Either way, look sharp at work because you're looking at a great month. It probably won't hurt to find out your boss's favorite color and incorporate it into every outfit. Plus your friend will have an awesome birthday party. You should come. And bring cupcakes and booze. Your friend is probably really into red velvet cake and Bulleit Rye right now.
Lucky numbers: one million and 2
Libra:
This month is going to be kind of boring because I'm tired of writing fake horoscopes and already used up all of my good ideas. It would probably be a great time to organize your sock drawer, befriend someone without a personality, and start dating someone with a beautiful face and a baseball card collection.
Something more exciting will happen on the 26th. It will probably involve parking in a different place at work or finding 5 cents on the ground.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Drop Kick Me Brickie Through the Goal Posts of Life
Advice from Brickle Marie Lockman, my 8 year old male cat
Dear Brickle,
I'm trying to impress a really pretty girl at my high school. I don't have any song-writing skills and don't have a lot of money, but I do have a heart full of love. Do you have any suggestions?
-Crazy in Love
Dear Crazy in Love,
Love is a many-splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love. And all you need to impress someone you love is to kill something for her. Preferably a rodent. Girls dig that shit. Then you should place it on the ground at her feet, then lie on your back and roll around, exposing your bare belly into the air. Seriously, she'll be trying to make you sleep on her bed in no time.
Dear Brickle,
I am an ascetic. You see, I'm trying to distance myself from worldly pleasures and reach a higher plane of being. But every time I come close to reaching some sort of enlightenment, I accidentally think about sex. I know by the peace sign on your face that you probably know the meaning of life.
Help me please.
-Ascetic in Aspen
Dear Ass-cetic in Aspen (being wise doesn't make you mature!),
As a cat, I can relate to many of the problems that humans face. This however, is one that I no longer can comprehend. After a kittenhood spent enjoying worldly pleasures, I left my birthplace in the green boxes to find the meaning of life. I searched for about a mile, then found a place where someone would consistently feed me. I got sidetracked from my mission for enlightenment by a brief dependency on canned cat food, when lo and behold, I was put in a box, and taken to a building, and when I woke up, my testicles were gone. I'm not sure who my savior in a white lab coat was, but they turned my body into the perfect vehicle to reach enlightenment. After that, I never thought about sex again, except for one time when I realized how weird it is that babies are basically made from bodily fluids.
So what I'm trying to say, is snip that shiz. Problem solved.
Dear Brickle,
For a variety of reasons, I have trouble being physically intimate with anyone. Even hugs make me feel uncomfortable. I've been working through this in therapy, but I thought you might have some advice. I've been seeing a wonderful man who is kind, handsome, funny, smart, and rich. I really really really like him Brickle. He really really really likes me. We've been dating for about a month, however, I just don't really feel comfortable letting him do more than hold my hand, and even that took a long time. He urged me to write to you for advice about this. I don't want to lose him, but I also don't think I'm ready to be more physically intimate with him. Can you help?
-Don't Touch Me in Dallas
Dear Don't Touch Me,
You go girl! Physical intimacy is gross! For example, Janney used to try and pick me up and give me kissies on my face and belly and get me to sit on her lap and scratch my ears. So I'd squirm away then hide from her because hands are weird! My advice is to squirm as much as possible making it impossible for him to hold on to you.
Oh wait, I just read the other part of the letter about you wanting to keep him. Here's how you do it. Pick one part of your body (for me, it is my belly) that you will expose and let him touch sporadically. Pretend like you enjoy it. They'll keep trying to come back for more. Then, every 6 years or so, climb on to their stomach and pretend to sleep. They'll feel so flattered that you finally decided to be physically affectionate with them, but also you're on their stomach so if you weigh about 20 pounds like me, they won't be able to breathe after a few minutes, and will make you get off of them. Perfect plan!
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Potentially Dirty Terms Used By Piano Technicians
Ball peen
Tang
"Pop the tang"
Bushed
"Bush the hole"
Lubrication
Wood
Test blow
Belly man
Stack
Jack tender
Backcheck
Pianist
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Beauty Tips for the Uninitiated
If I wrote a beauty advice column, everything would sound sort of like this.
Exercise and Diet:
People often say that I am not obese. My secret? Not thinking about food too much. But I also mostly eat vegetables. And the occasional batch of biscuits. And lots of eggs. Lean proteins. Plenty of butter for a healthy glow. Exercise 3-4 times a week. Lift weights. Be anxious and jiggle your legs to burn extra calories. Forget about calories and just eat when you're hungry. But honestly I've been genetically blessed. My father's high school photos look like something for a PSA about starvation in Eastern Europe (we won't talk about the honker and the sweat glands of a hairy middle aged man that I have also inherited from him). But also, I'm pretty sure I have a tapeworm.
Wash your hair less than you think you should. Spend a month washing your hair with baking soda and vinegar. Decide that you miss the scent and lather of shampoo. When this happens, switch back to shampoo and discover the ability to go days with out washing your hair. Alternatively, be born with really thick hair that hides the grease. If you have straight hair brush it. If you have curly hair, don't.
Don't attempt to give yourself blonde hair by dipping part of it in bleach. It doesn't work. Sleep with your hair down. Also, genetics help.
Skin Care:
When I was in middle school, I remember a friend telling me the beauty routine of one of the most popular girls in the school. The thing that stuck out the most was that the girl put lotion all over her body after she got out of the shower. Five years later, I remembered this tip and started doing this. You too can have skin as soft as a baby's bottom (but actually that's kind of gross).
Facial Skin Care:
Wash your face every night before you go to bed. Change your pillow cases. Go on hormonal birth control. If your acne isn't cured, it will possible get better. Or not. Sorry.
Also, wear a moisturizer with sunscreen every single day. Drink lots of water. Get lots of sleep. (Kidding about that one, who has time for that). If you insist on smoking, only do it second-hand.
Makeup:
If you don't wear it, wear it. It's seriously not that hard. If you wear it, you're probably wearing too much. Don't wear tons of foundation, it's bad for your skin. Plus, you probably don't need it. Actually, just wear eye makeup. Or don't wear makeup. Just make sure you wear SPF moisturizer.
But just wear it. At least some mascara? And maybe some lipstick on occasion?
Unless you're one of those people who naturally looks like they're wearing mascara. In that case, I hate you.
Teeth:
In this matter, I am not genetically blessed. Just brush 'em and smile a lot.
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