There's A Tear in My Beer

And so another week has come and gone, this time, without infestations or sickness. Thank goodness! I made the decision to quit something, I turned in an internship application (three weeks late, so much for professionalism), I spoke up in a class I don't like to talk in, I cried, and I felt affirmation.

Since starting college, the 2 weeks before spring break have always been a time of questioning, quitting, and unexpected happiness. My freshman year, I quit 2 of the extra curricular activities that were making me miserable, got a boyfriend, and went on a really long run. Last year, I decided to take better care of my mental health, went to a really fun party where I made some decisions about how I wanted to deal with romantic relationships for the rest of my time in college, and cried a lot.

This is always a crazy time for me, partly because it forces me to think about the near future, something I've never liked doing. It's always much easier for me to decide what I want to do for grad school, which fellowships I want to apply to next year, and what I want to name my future children than what I want to do for the summer, where I want to live next year, and what I want to eat for dinner.

It's also the time when people figure out housing, and since I don't have what I like to call a "roommate soulmate", that is, a person who I get along well with as a roommate that I can live with semester after semester without trouble, this time is always stressful for me. I have so many good friends, but at the end of the day, I'm the odd one out when it comes to living together. I think I do this to myself by having so many different friend groups but not having a single best friend (I don't want to pick! They're all the best! That's why they're my friends!), but it still hurts when it's 2 days before the housing deadline and the people I thought I might live with if I decided to not be anti-social have actually been talking to other roommates. And ultimately, I'm always okay with living by myself or living with a random roommate, but it would be nice to have some stability. I've had several excellent roommates in my time, but none that it would logistically work with to live in a dorm at Oberlin with for multiple semesters (i.e. roommate in Kentucky, roommate who goes to a different college, roommate who has off-campus status). It's always frustrating and anxiety inducing, and I absolutely hate it.

Last night, I had a good talk with an old friend. She helped me remember that I'm fine (and probably happier) living by myself, and that it doesn't mean that I'm a bad friend or a bad roommate if I don't have a roommate soulmate. She inspired me to continue to take control of my education, and not let it control me, and to not get stuck in situations that make me unhappy. And over cheap beer and good talk, I remembered why I am here, and why I live alone, and why it's okay to cry this time of year, because it's stressful (midterms! duh!), and the near future honestly scares me more than the far future.

So I'm sitting here in a booth in the student union, typing this, crying. But these aren't sad tears, they're the happy tears of self-affirmation.

Something Weevil This Way Comes

Last night, I decided to prepare a very delicious looking pasta dish that was like pasta carbonara, only with brussel sprouts instead of bacon and will less fat and more veggies. And I was using my favorite pasta shape, those curly tubes that I can never remember the name of. About halfway through the pasta cooking time, I noticed that these little black things had floated to the surface of the water. This had never happened to me before, so I fished them out of the water, put them in my hands, and discovered that they were weevils. Ew ew ew ew ew. More deterred by the thought of an infestation than by the thought of eating bugs (I'd been on the go all day and was really hungry!), I googled "Can you eat pasta with weevils in it?" The general consensus on the internet was "Yes, you'll probably get extra protein, but who'd want to eat food that had bugs in it, weirdo? What kind of disgusting freak are you?"

"But what if you've already cooked it? What if you don't have time to make anything else or enough money to go out to eat? What if you're tired?" I wanted to say back to these internet naysayers. But disgusted by the thought of infestation, I proceeded to clean out my entire kitchen and throw away any food that could possibly have weevils in it (beans, flour, raisins, 2 boxes of pasta, lentils, pecans, etc). It was a bummer and I was hungry. I couldn't help wondering what I'd done wrong? I keep my kitchen relatively clean, clean my stovetop at least twice a week, and throw away any food that's gone bad. I'm pretty sure the weevils were in some of the food when I bought it, but I'm not sure what and it's creeping me out. But I guess the moral of this story is that weevils, like head lice, can happen to anyone. I'm not sure what lesson I've learned from this, besides having my trust in the US food system completely shaken. Seriously, how to I know that what I'm buying won't contain little bugs? Is it safer to buy organic, or will that just mean it's more likely to contain bugs? Is it better to buy things in smaller packaging, or does it all come from the same weevil-infested pasta company?

I have no idea. If this had happened to me in Kentucky, I wouldn't have batted an eyelash. I had so many domestic things to deal with, like leaky sinks, stapling plastic to windows, making sure the pipes didn't freeze and making sure Sadie was healthy, that I wouldn't have batted an eyelash at an infestation. In fact, I did have one, when I first got Sadie and she had fleas all over her face. I would scratch her head and see bugs crawling around her eyes. It's terrible when you have a baby animal that is covered in bugs. But we dealt with the fleas and Sadie forgave me when I tried to give her a bath and blow dry her in order to get rid of them.

And I dealt with the weevils and I'm pretty sure they're gone now. I'm going to enact a personal "Look before you cook" policy. And I'm never going to ask the internet for advice about bug consumption ever again.

The Women's Blog and Why I'm Pretty Sure I Could Create One

After I came to terms with the fact that Facebook was causing me more misery than good and inducing me to do thinks like post pictures of my friends in their underwear (it's from a school dance party, alright?), stalk ex's new girlfriends (why is she skinnier and more artistically talented than me?), post controversial opinions online and then get upset when people criticize them (yes, I know that's a stupid idea for a tattoo. no, I still don't think you're taking the issue of mountain top removal seriously enough), and realize how many of the boys I had unrequited crushes on in middle and high school are MARRIED now (at least 2 that I know of), I deactivated my Facebook.

So it's still out there somewhere online, waiting for me to log-in and reactivate it and make sure I don't get a job because I forgot to untag the photo where I'm pretending to pick my nose. In the mean time, I am recovering quite nicely from this addiction (this is week 2). However, one cannot do as much homework as I do without some kind of reprieve or distraction. This distraction for me has been The Hairpin, thehairpin.com, a blog for women who are sort of in my life stage and who are feminists but wear make up and appreciate pop culture while being skeptical of it and like men or women but realize that people can be jerks much of the time. In short, I spend lots of time reading articles in the Hairpin, and will probably submit something to them as soon as I write something witty enough.

But then I realized that instead of trying to join the current women's magazine-style blogs, I should just make my own. I mean, come on, think of all of the blogs I've created, Janney's January Appalachian Adventures, where I talk about everything from water quality to happy hour, the now ignored Janney Lockman Living where I share my tips for being a young, feminist, modern, unmarried housewife, and the also underused Cats Do the Darnedest Things, where I share cat anecdotes (or would share them, if I weren't too lazy to update it).

Anyway, combine all these blogs together, add some advice about relationships and articles about movie stars, make up, and Barbie dolls, and you've got the Hairpin!

So I'm going to start a new blog that is a women's magazine for fashionable, smart, young feminist women who live in rural places in the US. This isn't happening now. But it will happen in the near future, so mark my words. In the mean time, stay tuned to this blog, and if you decide to deactivate your Facebook and get bored, I suggest The Hairpin

http://thehairpin.com/

Friday Stream of Consciousness

So it's Friday, there's a foot of snow on the ground, and I'm going to the Feve for happy hour. Then I'm going to go home and write a paper and go to bed. Because everyone knows that cheap cocktails are conducive to paper writing. I know this because my friend Cynthia told me.

I like Cynthia a lot. We both have best friends who are abroad, both are learning how to write grants, both have frustrations with Oberlin boys. She comes over to my apartment and we sit on my couch and do homework and talk about how stupid boys are and do homework and talk about how much the people in our classes who seem to be majoring in acting pretentious suck and do homework. She is frustrated that there are no good boys here, and I am frustrated because there are plenty of good boys here but no good men. And she makes me laugh and I make her laugh and at moments like those I think, "I should be a stand-up comedian."

Because sometimes I feel like everything I say is part of a comedy show and I get to where I'm going laugh-a-minute. It's a defense mechanism I've developed to mask academic incompetence. No one wants to be in a group with the girl who loathes SPSS and doesn't remember anything from statistics, but everyone wants to be in the group with the girl who cooks big pots of soup for the group and finds humor in stressful situations and is really really good at answering e-mails. The other day in my adolescent psych lab I was giving a presentation, and seriously considered starting with "I just flew in from Firelands, and boy are my arms tired!" What?!? I didn't probably because I'd just been in the Student Union and not in Firelands and because it wasn't a presentation about bad jokes it was about national surveys and why didn't I make a powerpoint so people could focus on that instead of the fact that I was wearing the same clothes I went to the gym in earlier in the day.

But it all turned out well and I think I made people laugh for the right reasons and I remembered that there isn't much market for a straight, shy, female comedian. At this point, I guess I'm counting on charisma and networking to get me a job. But lord, ain't it hard.

And after my meeting with my grant-writing teacher today, who indicated that she thought I was fairly competent today, I went home to my apartment and did some homework but first ordered makeup online, because everyone knows that owning slate grey nail polish and eyeshadow called "Swimming Pool" will get you far in life.

And I'm going to the Feve for Happy Hour with Cynthia and I'm gonna write a paper and it's Friday afternoon.

Strength-training and the Entrepreneurial Spirit

After a crazy busy week, I got a much better idea of what my work load will be like this semester. Heavy. But I have to do things like observe middle schoolers and high schoolers in their natural environment (the Oberlin streets!), read Modernist literature, research positive risk-taking, and write an elevator speech. So at least my homework is either fun, or feels useful.

In realms outside the academic classroom, my women's strength-training class has been absolutely amazing! I loathe exercising in gyms unless they have TVs, which the gym at Oberlin doesn't. What can I say, running or biking in place is just plain boring. I like to go on running adventures or do pilates in my room, so I can huff and puff in the privacy of my own home, or at least be taking in some pretty scenery. But I love the weight room. There's something about feeling your muscles engaging, noticing how you can use your breathing to help you lift, and the weakness and soreness afterwards that I find really appealing, and believe it or not, relaxing. It's a workout where speed doesn't help you at all, and you can really take the time to feel how your body works. Not to mention the fact that I am slowly getting ripped, and I imagine that it will be much easier to move out of my apartment than it was to move in. I love being a strong woman mentally and emotionally, and now I'm looking forward to being one physically.

After speaking with an amazing professor at Oberlin college who won the Watson and Fulbright fellowships, has received grant money up the wazoo, and has been on the board of many fellowship committees in my grant-writing class on Friday, I am feeling so inspired to figure out how to get money to do something I've wanted to do for a couple of years: go to India. There are so many fellowships out there and it would be foolish for me not to apply for at least one of them before I get tied down with doing whatever it is I'll be doing, work, research, grad school, starting a business. I've been feeling the entrepreneurial spirit lately, and since I go to a school that has a program that can give you start-up money, I feel like I should take advantage of it. The real question is: what exactly do I want to do? This summer will be filled with lots of plotting and planning and writing out all my crazy business schemes like inventing the ultimate sunscreen, creating the Night Before Pill, opening a used bookstore, an instrument repair shop, a Subaru moving service, a school of knitting, etc. and see which ones are actually feasible (i.e. the Night Before Pill is not). It's all very exciting and hard to think about when I'm busy with school all the time.

Somehow through all the scheming and dreaming and reading and writing I've managed to have a social life. I've cooked some really excellent food for folks, had some fun lunch dates with good friends, friend homework nights, and even *gasp* gone out dancing on a Wednesday night (after all of my homework was done, of course). Anyway, long story short, it's been fun, and I've still been getting all of my work done and showing up for class on time. I met with 4 professors on Friday, kind of a dumb idea in retrospect, because my poor little brain was overwhelmed, but it made me feel much better about my classes. I think the general verdict of this semester thus far, has been, I am smarter than I think I am. After 4 semesters of self-doubt and feeling like an ignoramus, I'm finally starting to get it and starting to remember that I'm smart. And it feels so good. So I'm going to do the smart thing, and finish Part 2 of The Good Soldier, then see what I can find about National Survey research on adolescents. Have a great weekend!

Oh-Berlin-Oh!

After waking up extremely happy this morning for no particular reason, I decided that it was high time for a real blog post. You know, the ones that take an hour to write, filled with funny anecdotes, wry remarks, controversial opinions, and witty commentary on my life.

I've been feeling pretty blessed lately. I usually don't like it when people say they've been blessed, because usually it's followed by something about Jesus and how I could feel blessed too if I let him into my life. While I think it's awesome that this person feels this way, I have enough problems of my own without being made to feel like all of my unhappiness is due to the fact that I haven't gone to church in months. So for me to say that I feel blessed is a rare occurrence. But I do feel blessed right now and it has nothing to do with me accepting Jesus into my life.

I feel blessed because the first week of this semester has been the best first week of school ever. This is the first first week where I haven't felt hopelessly behind and stupid from day one. I feel like there's nothing work-wise in this semester that I can't handle, and actually mean it. And it's not like I'm taking a particularly light load either (although this is the first semester where I'm not taking a math or stats class, which makes a big difference).
Plus, the Resed gods bestowed upon me an amazing single apartment. It's bright, well-insulated, clean, has a great view, and everything I need. This is the first place that I have lived that feels like it is truly mine and decorated and arranged in a way that reflects my personality (eww gross, shut up inner Martha Stewart!). So coming home after class to a clean, warm apartment does wonders for my mood.
Not to mention the fact that it's really good when I keep running into people who are really glad to see me and have reconnected with a lot of good friends. When I'm away from Oberlin, all I can think about are the people there who annoy me, but now that I'm back I realize that these people are only a small fraction of who I interact with day to day.
Finally, I've started exercising again, partially due to my women's strength training class, and partially due to my beautiful, talented, and wise fellow sexy redhead friend Gabi, who started working out over last semester and has inspired me with her tales of leg muscle and 4 mile runs. And boy do I feel amazing. Sore much of the time, but amazing.

Of course, there are some things that are getting me down, like the fact that I ate lunch alone in the dining hall yesterday, and that several of my classes have very vocal people in them who already know everything there is to know about the subject and want to make sure the whole class knows it too. (Seriously though, if you've already read the books we're reading in class, why take that course? If you've already written a bazillion funded grants and are an expert on the subject, why take grant-writing?). Fortunately, the silly Oberlin social scene that has seriously bummed me out in the past just seems stupid to me now. I feel like I've done pretty well for myself at Oberlin for a girl from Pocahontas County High School, and that's good enough for me. There's no need to social climb or feel lame because I like South Park, soup beans, and bad pop music and not something cooler.

And it's the weekend and I have no plans, but I'm just going to follow my feet and find something fun to do with people who make me feel happy and hopefully end up in bed at a decent hour so I can wake up and do some research on information processing in adolescence. I'm blessed that I have this opportunity to go to this academically amazing school, have some pretty awesome friends, a place to call home in Oberlin, and folks that I care about who are only a Skype call away. Here's to education! Happy Friday!

Nothing to Report Here

I am becoming a total and complete nerd again. And it's feeling pretty good.

First of all, my classes thus far are excellent. But the best part is they have interesting homework. I spent about an hour yesterday in the library researching Modernism for my English class. I sat on the floor of Mudd (Oberlin's library) and read. And I didn't even think about falling asleep. It took me a lot longer to read my cognitive psychology chapter. But read it I did, and let me tell you, cognitive psychology is fascinating. It feels a little uncomfortable to think about the way the brain, something that everyone has inside their heads at all times, works. But once you get over that, it's pretty durn cool.

Aside from doing my homework diligently, I have started working out again, taking care of my apartment, and catching up with folks I haven't seen in a while. Most of these people seem pretty glad to see me, which always surprises me a little bit. This time, I'm glad to see them too. As long as I can stay on target school-wise, and avoid becoming a complete hermit, I feel like this semester will be a good one.