There's A Tear in My Beer

And so another week has come and gone, this time, without infestations or sickness. Thank goodness! I made the decision to quit something, I turned in an internship application (three weeks late, so much for professionalism), I spoke up in a class I don't like to talk in, I cried, and I felt affirmation.

Since starting college, the 2 weeks before spring break have always been a time of questioning, quitting, and unexpected happiness. My freshman year, I quit 2 of the extra curricular activities that were making me miserable, got a boyfriend, and went on a really long run. Last year, I decided to take better care of my mental health, went to a really fun party where I made some decisions about how I wanted to deal with romantic relationships for the rest of my time in college, and cried a lot.

This is always a crazy time for me, partly because it forces me to think about the near future, something I've never liked doing. It's always much easier for me to decide what I want to do for grad school, which fellowships I want to apply to next year, and what I want to name my future children than what I want to do for the summer, where I want to live next year, and what I want to eat for dinner.

It's also the time when people figure out housing, and since I don't have what I like to call a "roommate soulmate", that is, a person who I get along well with as a roommate that I can live with semester after semester without trouble, this time is always stressful for me. I have so many good friends, but at the end of the day, I'm the odd one out when it comes to living together. I think I do this to myself by having so many different friend groups but not having a single best friend (I don't want to pick! They're all the best! That's why they're my friends!), but it still hurts when it's 2 days before the housing deadline and the people I thought I might live with if I decided to not be anti-social have actually been talking to other roommates. And ultimately, I'm always okay with living by myself or living with a random roommate, but it would be nice to have some stability. I've had several excellent roommates in my time, but none that it would logistically work with to live in a dorm at Oberlin with for multiple semesters (i.e. roommate in Kentucky, roommate who goes to a different college, roommate who has off-campus status). It's always frustrating and anxiety inducing, and I absolutely hate it.

Last night, I had a good talk with an old friend. She helped me remember that I'm fine (and probably happier) living by myself, and that it doesn't mean that I'm a bad friend or a bad roommate if I don't have a roommate soulmate. She inspired me to continue to take control of my education, and not let it control me, and to not get stuck in situations that make me unhappy. And over cheap beer and good talk, I remembered why I am here, and why I live alone, and why it's okay to cry this time of year, because it's stressful (midterms! duh!), and the near future honestly scares me more than the far future.

So I'm sitting here in a booth in the student union, typing this, crying. But these aren't sad tears, they're the happy tears of self-affirmation.