Girls the Reality Show Application

To Whom it May Concern:

  I'm writing in response to the Craigslist posting looking for cast members for the new reality show based on HBO Girls. This description of my recent weekend in New York will tell you exactly why I'd be perfect for this show.

Day 1: I arrive at Penn Station around midnight after a hellacious 12 hour train ride complete with a 30 year old man child who fancied himself a DJ and an intellectual with a skateboard and the nerve to lead the back of the car in a rousing chorus of "Sooouuuullll traiiiinnnnn!" from D.C. to Wilmington. Between Philadelphia and New York, a man sat next to me, told me I looked like I was on drugs, asked me if I wanted any drugs, told me his job "wasn't exactly the most legal thing," then asked me inappropriate questions about my sex life. It was a testament to the fact that I'd been on a train thinking about how much I hated strangers/humanity for half a day that I gave him my number when he asked for it.

I made it safely to my friend Rachel's apartment in Bedstuy. She made me Easy Mac with more cheese and bacon and we stayed up talking until 2 am. Our conversation definitely passed the Bechdel Test,* although I think that might be partially due to the fact that Rachel lives with her boyfriend of 4+ years and I've been living with my parents for the past month. When I fell asleep on their couch, I had a dream that the guy from the train created a cell phone virus that video recorded my location and tried to stalk me.

Day 2: After brunch with Rachel and Kif, Rachel and I headed off in our skirts, boots, and tights (our outfits were almost identical at points during the weekend. It really is an Oberlin Girl Thing) to meet up with Rachel's friend Isabella (who did not go to Oberlin but went to Yale which means she's kind of like us but much more employable). We went to a great museum that we got in for free/reduced with an expired student ID. I love being in my 20s.

Later Rachel and I met up with a bunch of Oberlin girls/some of my best lady friends at my friend's parents' house in Brooklyn. We drank beer and ate indian food. The conversation passed the Bechdel Test until someone brought up OkCupid! and then it was kind of all downhill from there.

A few of us went from there to a housewarming party for some different Oberlin ladyfriends. It was awkward for me because I didn't know anyone and had had a martini before walking there. I struck up a conversation with a boy from Wesleyan (rival school alert!). He told me that he was looking for jobs in "innovation consulting." He said that it's basically like being a professional brainstormer. I resisted the urge to make fun of his chosen profession. But then I told him that I'm trying to be a writer and he condescendingly told me that "Everyone wants to be a writer at some point in time." Instead of telling him that his career path was not a real thing and that his beard was stupid, I went and tried to talk to somebody else.

My champion friends Hanna and Nora and I decided to leave. Then I saw this guy that I used to be in a band with that is pretty much the closest thing I have to an ex-boyfriend who dumped me before I wanted him to. I emitted a shrill shriek (I imagine) and ran over and gave him a hug. At that point, I was toeing the line between belligerent and affectionate. We squeezed gloved hands, I told him that I respect him and his music, then dashed off into the night with Hanna and Nora. I think I yelled a little too much about the guy from Wesleyan in the stairs, we all talked a bunch of shit, then I spent the night at Nora's parents' apartment.

Day 3: Made it back to Bedstuy because I had brunch plans with a guy I really liked at Oberlin and used to make out with a lot. On my way to the bus stop, I found out there had been a shooting nearby the night before. Combined with all of the recent gun violence in America, this news made me feel less than happy, brave, confident and pretty. When I got on the bus, the bus driver was mean to me because I couldn't figure out the ticket thing. I cried a lot more than was warranted. I got off the bus and got really lost. I made it to brunch and may have dripped a little salt water on the poor guy's shoulder. Brunch was fine, boy was really nice and much more successful than me. There were bottomless mimosas involved. Seeing him was good but we didn't make out a lot. I am a grown-ass woman and I know that sometimes it just doesn't happen, but also I was disappointed. I might have cried a little bit more about it on the train ride home. Apparently crying on public transportation is a sign of being a real New Yorker, but that's an honor someone else can have. Because it just felt really shitty all around.
Went back to Rachel and Kif's, cried a little bit more, watched Family Guy and Girls and went to sleep so they could get up the next morning for their grown-up jobs.

There's much more where that came from. If you put me on the Girls reality show, hilarity, self-absorbedness, and crying will ensue. I could probably have even purchased some drugs off of the dude on the train if that would have made it more interesting.

I look forward to hearing your response.

Sincerely,
Janney Lockman

P.S. See, my name even sounds like a Girls name! It's like Marnie mixed with Jessa/Hannah. Plus I'd almost look like Alison Williams if she gained like 30 pounds, had child-bearing hips and red hair.

*The Bechdel Test, as Rachel's boyfriend who is a blogger and also an Oberlin alum (Oh did I mention the fact that I went to Oberlin just like Hannah and Marnie and Jessa on Girls?) told me, was a test created by Oberlin Alum and awesome cartoonist Alison Bechdel. Something passes the Bechdel Test if it has two women talking about something other than men. Did I mention, we all went to Oberlin?