Horrorscopes: The Month of November

Scorpio:
Your birthday will happen.
It will be a party of epic proportions. It will be like something from a Ke$ha song. But be careful not to add too much caffeine powder to the Faux Loco or you could be spending your birthday in the hospital.
Lucky numbers: 0 - ∞

Sagittarius:
Your favorite South African rap crew will release a video featuring a whole lot of black face.  You will spend much of the next week feeling uncomfortable and silently boycotting their music, then listen to their cds over and over on a 7 hour car trip.
On the 15th, you'll get a pimple.

Capricorn:
An estranged ex will get engaged.  While Facebook stalking their fiancee, you discover that their degree in communications is from the University of Phoenix.  You will feel triumphant for a hot sec, before you discover a picture of the fiance in a bikini.
On the 2nd, someone cute will "Poke" you on Facebook.  Poke back.  Who knows what will happen?

Aquarius:
You are on fire this month, water symbol!  And by on fire, I mean particularly susceptible to burns.  Let someone else do the cooking for a change.  And don't forget to unplug your curling iron.
On the 6th, a politician you like will win their race.  Another politician you also like will lose their race.

Pisces:
You are the picture of good health.  Your hair is long and luscious, you are eating plenty of fruits and vegetables and going to the gym almost every day.  You're doing great.  But don't be a jerk about it.  Stop being so self-righteous and focus on the fact that your lifestyle isn't what everyone can do. Have a deep fried pickle.  Secondhand smoke a cigarette.
Lucky numbers: 6 6 & 6

Aries:
Procrastination is your worst enemy this month, but also your best friend.  While procrastinating getting out of bed in the morning, you will narrowly miss getting hit by a meteorite.  So savor the warmth of your bed.  Don't write that report until the last minute.  Let your laundry pile up.  It could save your life.
On the 22nd, you will eat too much.

Taurus:
A long lost friend will come out of the woodwork with the opportunity of a lifetime.  Take it.  Or don't and try to find satisfaction in your boring existence.
The weekend of the 9th will be filled with awesome birthday parties.  The best way to remove glitter from your eyeball is probably with one of those emergency eyewash things in science classrooms but I doubt there will be one of those at your friend's 23rd birthday blow out, now will there?

Gemini:
You will finally be forced to face your irrational fear of twins when a friend or loved one announces that they are pregnant with them.  I suggest watching both versions of the Parent Trap back to back for an entire 24 hours.  Then sending a bunch of diapers to the baby shower.

Lucky number: 2 (jk)

Cancer:
You will have an awesome month.  Despite the fact that there is a horrible disease named after your zodiac symbol.  Why did they call it Cancer?  Couldn't they have named a health issue that is more treatable and less serious after your symbol?  Like head lice?  That sort of makes sense.

Anyway, you'll be lucky in love and your career will take off but also on the 16th you will have a wardrobe malfunction.  Stay away from vents and Justin Timberlake.

Leo:
A high school classmate will get married.  You won't get invited.  But don't worry, it will be a dry reception and there won't be any single people of your preferred sexual preference under the age of 50 and over the age of 10.
On November 31st, you will recite the 30 days hath September April June and November poem and realize that it is actually December.

Virgo:
You will get promoted.  Or hired.  Or a raise.  Either way, look sharp at work because you're looking at a great month.  It probably won't hurt to find out your boss's favorite color and incorporate it into every outfit.  Plus your friend will have an awesome birthday party.  You should come.  And bring cupcakes and booze. Your friend is probably really into red velvet cake and Bulleit Rye right now.

Lucky numbers: one million and 2

Libra:
This month is going to be kind of boring because I'm tired of writing fake horoscopes and already used up all of my good ideas.  It would probably be a great time to organize your sock drawer, befriend someone without a personality, and start dating someone with a beautiful face and a baseball card collection.

Something more exciting will happen on the 26th.  It will probably involve parking in a different place at work or finding 5 cents on the ground.

Drop Kick Me Brickie Through the Goal Posts of Life

Advice from Brickle Marie Lockman, my 8 year old male cat

Dear Brickle,

   I'm trying to impress a really pretty girl at my high school.  I don't have any song-writing skills and don't have a lot of money, but I do have a heart full of love.  Do you have any suggestions?

-Crazy in Love

Dear Crazy in Love,

   Love is a many-splendored thing.  Love lifts us up where we belong.  All you need is love.  And all you need to impress someone you love is to kill something for her.  Preferably a rodent.  Girls dig that shit.  Then you should place it on the ground at her feet, then lie on your back and roll around, exposing your bare belly into the air.  Seriously, she'll be trying to make you sleep on her bed in no time.

Dear Brickle,

  I am an ascetic.  You see, I'm trying to distance myself from worldly pleasures and reach a higher plane of being.  But every time I come close to reaching some sort of enlightenment, I accidentally think about sex.  I know by the peace sign on your face that you probably know the meaning of life.

Help me please.

-Ascetic in Aspen

Dear Ass-cetic in Aspen (being wise doesn't make you mature!),

  As a cat, I can relate to many of the problems that humans face.  This however, is one that I no longer can comprehend.  After a kittenhood spent enjoying worldly pleasures, I left my birthplace in the green boxes to find the meaning of life.  I searched for about a mile, then found a place where someone would consistently feed me.  I got sidetracked from my mission for enlightenment by a brief dependency on canned cat food, when lo and behold, I was put in a box, and taken to a building, and when I woke up, my testicles were gone.  I'm not sure who my savior in a white lab coat was, but they turned my body into the perfect vehicle to reach enlightenment.  After that, I never thought about sex again, except  for one time when I realized how weird it is that babies are basically made from bodily fluids.

  So what I'm trying to say, is snip that shiz.  Problem solved.

Dear Brickle,

  For a variety of reasons, I have trouble being physically intimate with anyone.  Even hugs make me feel uncomfortable.  I've been working through this in therapy, but I thought you might have some advice.  I've been seeing a wonderful man who is kind, handsome, funny, smart, and rich.  I really really really like him Brickle.  He really really really likes me.  We've been dating for about a month, however, I just don't really feel comfortable letting him do more than hold my hand, and even that took a long time.  He urged me to write to you for advice about this.  I don't want to lose him, but I also don't think I'm ready to be more physically intimate with him.  Can you help?

-Don't Touch Me in Dallas

Dear Don't Touch Me,

  You go girl!  Physical intimacy is gross!  For example, Janney used to try and pick me up and give me kissies on my face and belly and get me to sit on her lap and scratch my ears.  So I'd squirm away then hide from her because hands are weird! My advice is to squirm as much as possible making it impossible for him to hold on to you.

  Oh wait, I just read the other part of the letter about you wanting to keep him.  Here's how you do it.  Pick one part of your body (for me, it is my belly) that you will expose and let him touch sporadically. Pretend like you enjoy it.  They'll keep trying to come back for more.  Then, every 6 years or so, climb on to their stomach and pretend to sleep.  They'll feel so flattered that you finally decided to be physically affectionate with them, but also you're on their stomach so if you weigh about 20 pounds like  me, they won't be able to breathe after a few minutes, and will make you get off of them.  Perfect plan!

Potentially Dirty Terms Used By Piano Technicians

Ball peen

Tang

"Pop the tang"

Bushed

"Bush the hole"

Lubrication

Wood

Test blow

Belly man

Stack

Jack tender

Backcheck 

Pianist

Beauty Tips for the Uninitiated

If I wrote a beauty advice column, everything would sound sort of like this.

Exercise and Diet:

People often say that I am not obese.  My secret? Not thinking about food too much.  But I also mostly eat vegetables.  And the occasional batch of biscuits.  And lots of eggs.  Lean proteins.  Plenty of butter for a healthy glow.  Exercise 3-4 times a week.  Lift weights.  Be anxious and jiggle your legs to burn extra calories.  Forget about calories and just eat when you're hungry.  But honestly I've been genetically blessed.  My father's high school photos look like something for a PSA about starvation in Eastern Europe (we won't talk about the honker and the sweat glands of a hairy middle aged man that I have also inherited from him).  But also, I'm pretty sure I have a tapeworm.

Hair Care:

Wash your hair less than you think you should.  Spend a month washing your hair with baking soda and vinegar.  Decide that you miss the scent and lather of shampoo.  When this happens, switch back to shampoo and discover the ability to go days with out washing your hair.  Alternatively, be born with really thick hair that hides the grease.  If you have straight hair brush it.  If you have curly hair, don't.

Don't attempt to give yourself blonde hair by dipping part of it in bleach.  It doesn't work.  Sleep with your hair down.  Also, genetics help.

Skin Care: 

When I was in middle school, I remember a friend telling me the beauty routine of one of the most popular girls in the school.  The thing that stuck out the most was that the girl put lotion all over her body after she got out of the shower.  Five years later, I remembered this tip and started doing this.  You too can have skin as soft as a baby's bottom (but actually that's kind of gross).

Facial Skin Care: 

Wash your face every night before you go to bed.  Change your pillow cases.  Go on hormonal birth control.  If your acne isn't cured, it will possible get better.  Or not.  Sorry.

Also, wear a moisturizer with sunscreen every single day.  Drink lots of water.  Get lots of sleep.  (Kidding about that one, who has time for that).  If you insist on smoking, only do it second-hand.

Makeup:

If you don't wear it, wear it.  It's seriously not that hard.  If you wear it, you're probably wearing too much.  Don't wear tons of foundation, it's bad for your skin.  Plus, you probably don't need it.  Actually, just wear eye makeup.  Or don't wear makeup.  Just make sure you wear SPF moisturizer.

But just wear it.  At least some mascara?  And maybe some lipstick on occasion?

Unless you're one of those people who naturally looks like they're wearing mascara.  In that case, I hate you. 

Teeth:

In this matter, I am not genetically blessed.  Just brush 'em and smile a lot.