This I Promise You

There has been some concern, so I would like to give myself and everyone else some peace of mind.

I Elizabeth----------, daughter of ------------- Lockman and ------------- Lockman, born on the 10th day of November in the year 1989 at the UVA hospital in Charlottesville, VA, do solemnly swear that I will complete college by the year 2013. This means 1 semester off, no shenanigans when I go back, and 4 semesters of focus.

I know that I can do it. I hope you think I can too.

(Also, I'm sorry about the *NSYNC reference in the title. I need this semester so I'll be ready to go back and start learning again so I can make more intellectual references in my blogposts, among other things).

The World Is My Oyster: In Which Janney Makes A Big Decision

I'm seeking opportunity, take me by the hand.

Show me where I'm going show me who I am.

All I need's a drop of water, I'm a seed born on the wind.

I was once a flower and I'll be a flower again. - Tea Leaf Green

This week I made a decision that I wish I had made two semesters ago. I decided to take next semester off from Oberlin. It took many conversations with my parents, a few of my older friends who had taken time off from college, and several phone calls with people from the dean of studies office to make the decision once and for all, but once I did, I felt so much better.

I've been reading so much since I've been here. For the first time in a long time, I am interested in reading books not only because they are enjoyable, but to improve my mind as well. I think reading only psychology and stats textbooks diminished my love of reading a lot, unfortunately. Here's what I've been reading before I launch into a shpeil about education and engagement in it.

Confederates in the Attic by Tony Horowitz

The World According to Garp by John Irving

Spring Snow - by some Japanese author - very sad and beautiful

Prozac Nation

Being Dead by Jim Crace

Middlesex

The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls - put my problems with my family into so much perspective... good god.

Divine Right's Trip by Gurney Norman - currently reading - sort of like the Crying of Lot 49 or Been Down So Long it Looks Like Up to Me (not that I've made it through either one of those books)

Anyway. One of the most difficult parts about deciding to take next semester off was telling my close friends at Oberlin. The only reason I wanted to go back to school this semester was to see them. And while having friends is an important part of college, it shouldn't be your only reason for being in school. If you think about it, that's sort of like paying $45,000 a year to have friends (of course there are scholarships and things that make that number a little less extreme, but you shouldn't be getting $15,ooo scholarships to support your people habit). It's been hard for me to think that I won't see 2 of my best friends for a year, since they're going abroad in the spring. I was worried that they would be mad or something. But I think that most of them saw this coming, and they have all been very supportive. I know from personal experience a couple of times this semester that it's really hard to see your friends be unhappy in school, and perhaps I was very obviously unhappy to people who spent a lot of time with me.

Actually, for the most part, everyone of my generation that I've told has been incredibly supportive and excited for me. Which is making me incredibly supportive of myself in this endeavor, and incredibly excited for what is going to happen in the coming months. I feel like the world is my oyster. I haven't figured out exactly what I'm going to do yet, but I know I will soon. I feel like I have a lot of people rooting for me in a lot of corners of the US, and that's definitely a feeling that I haven't had for a long time. This summer has reminded me that I'm actually an intelligent, funny, nice, hardworking person. Who knew? I think I got so bogged down with worry about grades and social interactions that I totally forgot. When I first got to Whitesburg, I avoided stating my opinion in a lot of conversations, because I didn't think that I had any legitimate ones, because clearly I was less intelligent than every single other person. But now I say what I think, and if I don't know something, I ask, and if I don't know what I think, I say that too. I'm reading again because I want to learn things. This weekend I went to Louisville with my roommate and purchased a book called "1000 Recordings to Hear Before You Die." And I'm going to listen to those recordings. Every single one of them. Because I want to learn about music and expand my knowledge, not for ulterior motives like sounding pretentious or because it will make me a better DJ, but because I want to know these things for my own well-being.

So I'm reading, listening, talking, running, thinking, and feeling so much better about myself, and so much happier. I think a semester off will allow me to go back to school, buckle down for the next two years, renew my love of learning, and experience aspects of the world that I feel I'm missing at Oberlin sometimes. Maybe this is an example of a positive illusion (or positive delusions, as I like to call them) that we learned about in intro psych, but I really feel like the world is my oyster as far as next semester is concerned. I mean it really isn't, I have to think about time, money, safety and health insurance (all things that I could easily be without if I screw up with my planning), but once I get those things figured out, there are so many possibilities. I think that sometimes I forget about these possibilities. I forget that I'm 20 and have years and years of learning and travel and living ahead of me. I think taking a break from school will be a healthy reminder. The world is my oyster and the learning and living starts now.

The Things I Am Learning

1. Don't start debates over facebook.

I posted a Facebook status that reflected my frustration with Oberlin students who get arrested for protesting mountain top removal (for my feelings on the subject, see previous blogposts). Surprisingly, 13 people liked it. The two people who didn't were very persistent in making their opinions known. I am glad that they did. I think I tend to look at both MTR and direct-action protests against it with a pretty critical eye. I really want to have an in-depth conversation with both of these people about MTR. But in person, and not on the internet. The internet is wonderful, but social networking sites are not an appropriate place for strong opinions (in my opinion), because so much can be misinterpreted. I'm pretty sure that both of these people think that I believe that MTR is economically good for Kentucky. Which I don't. But I also think that the issue is far more complicated than bringing a swift end to MTR and having the poor hillbillies be instantly uplifted. And the internet is one of the worst places to deal with a complicated subject.

2. Conflict with your family is really difficult.

First of all, I want to say that I'm incredibly fortunate that I've gone 20 years before I actually learned this. I've always been a good kid, my parents are fairly reasonable people for the most part, my brother and I had typical sibling battles but he's pretty great and I enjoy spending time with him. I am lucky to have such a good relationship with my family.

But lately I've been seriously considering taking time off from college so I can feel more engaged in my education when I go back, and this has started a series of difficult, frustrating conversations. I think we're at a good place now, but it was really plaguing me for a while.

3. Radio journalism is really cool.

I was able to put together a radio journalism piece about a radio program called History Alive! in around a day. So it wasn't NPR quality, but if I had had more time, it could have been a little closer. Radio journalism combines some of my favorite things (writing, radio, people, and hearing myself talk) into one art form.

I'm working on a piece right now that is going to take much longer. And it's hard, because I keep getting editing block. Doing sound editing on an interview is kind of scary. Plus, after a recent staff meeting, my duties at my internship got kicked up a notch. Besides web maintenance and radio journalism pieces, I'm hosting a web maintenance workshop (which I have to plan), and doing various and sundry things around the radio station. This doesn't sound all that time consuming, but it is.

Last Friday, I took a break from this and attended the Appalshop board meeting, so I could learn a bit about how non-profits are governed. I don't really understand Appalshop's structure very well, so it was interesting to see this small aspect of it. It was a really long meeting though, and no one seemed to get my jokes that after spending all day in a non-profit board meeting I was considering working for an oil company. This is why I am in radio, and not comedy. I definitely learned a lot from it, and it was a great opportunity to meet some of the people connected to Appalshop who don't actually work in the Appalshop building.

4. I am the kind of woman who likes other women.

So many women I know say that they don't have female friends. They don't like the drama, the jealousies, pettiness, gossiping, etc. But I just think that those women are hanging out with the wrong women. Because in the past year, both in my life at Oberlin and my life in Whitesburg, I have had the most amazing female friends. And sometimes there is drama, jealousy, pettiness, and gossip. But more often, there have been the amazing running buddies, porch conversations, karaoke duets to Aretha Franklin, hours spent sitting by (or in) a body of water, saying absolutely nothing, moral support, sage advice, and most recently, an old time hula-hooping band called "Fiddles Not Fellas."

I think many of these friendships with amazing women have been strengthened by the strangeness of males in both Oberlin and Whitesburg. In my experience, Oberlin boys are sweet and well-meaning, but awkward, and the ones who don't turn into complete messes around women are taken.

Okay, so this is maybe a harsh criticism. I really like Oberlin boys. But I don't personally do that well for myself there. There have been so many times when I have thought that some guy is going to kiss me, and he doesn't, and even more times when I thought someone was gay, only to discover that they weren't when they start kissing me. But maybe the problem is me in this situation. Anyway, back to Whitesburg.

Even though I think I'm a fairly attractive human being and have been told by other people that I am a fairly attractive human being, I rarely get hit on by anyone who is younger than 60. This actually isn't a big problem for me. I've learned to deal with this fairly well, I think.

In Whitesburg, this isn't the case at all. At first it was flattering when I parked my car by the bar and had 2 men offer to carry my bass. After nearly 3 months of living in Whitesburg, it's gotten old. Women who are new in town are, to use a technical term, "hot shit." My friends are very attractive people, but I think the novelty factor has a lot to do with this phenomena of constant male attention and almost suffocating chivalry.

But once again, I have some great male friends in Whitesburg. It's definitely kind of fun going to Summit City with my female friends and flirting, having guys open doors for you, etc.

I still think I would have formed these wonderful friendships with women if it weren't for the awkwardness of Oberlin boys, and the boldness of Whitesburg men. These women are smart, talented, funny, nice, interesting, creative, beautiful people, and all kinds of other good adjectives.

5. I am so fortunate.

My life is by no means perfect. But there are people in my life who respect my opinion enough to engage in debates with me, I've gotten along with my parents pretty well for the past 20 years, I have a great internship in a town I love, have amazing women in my life, and I am intelligent enough to learn from my experiences.

PB and J at 6 am: Tales from the Brink of Insomnia

From time to time in my life, I have suffered from insomnia. It usually happens in the beginning of winter. I fall asleep around midnight, and then at 3 or 4 am BAM! I am wide awake with no promise of ever sleeping again. So I leave my dorm room, try not to wake my roommate, do some crunches in the hall, or go down to the lounge and join the other insomniacs in my dorm. But when I'm the only one who can't sleep in the house, I usually float from sleeping space to sleeping space until I find one that knocks me out.

I have a confession to make. I've sort of stopped sleeping since coming to Kentucky. Okay, this is a bit of a lie. But I can count the number of nights I've gotten more than 6 hours of sleep in the last 2 weeks on 1 hand and 2 fingers. Guaranteed, not all of it is due to being wide awake at 4 or 5 or 6 am. Probably half of this sleep loss is due to the fact that I'm spending so much time with people. I'll go to Summit City, then go to someone's apartment after it closes, hang out until 2:30 or 3 or sometimes 4 (oops...), go home, go to sleep, wake up at 8 and go to work. This isn't insomnia. This is stupidity.

But the other times, I go to bed at a decent hour, fall asleep, and wake up too early for my alarm, unable to go back to sleep. On these occasions, I go downstairs, pack my lunch (this morning it is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich), read a couple pages of whatever book I'm reading (currently Jim Crace's Being Dead), and fall asleep for a couple hours on the couch and wake up feeling more rested, but also kind of messed up. Couches are for people who are drunk and can't drive home, people who have been sexiled, people who are couch surfing. I have a large bed, a roommate who doesn't sexile me, and don't wake up at 4 am and decide that it's a good idea to do a couple of shots by myself then fall into a drunken stupor. I just can't sleep.

I really hate this. I would give anything to go to bed at a normal time and wake up with my alarm, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. But it just ain't happening. I think insomnia is usually a negative thing, but for me it's lately been a result of excitement and scheming and heat. This morning I woke up and couldn't stop thinking about my radio show I'm doing in 2 hours. Other times I've been plotting my weekend plans, or ideas for the radio station, or what I'm going to do with my life. I rarely have insomnia when I'm feeling depressed. It's always when I feel like my life is full of possibility, like at the beginning of a semester, or like right now, when I'm busy planning radio journalism stories, what songs I'm going to play on my show, or whether or not I'm going to break my fear of vinyl by playing that Violent Femmes record my friend gave me on my radio show.

I also have this weird idea that insomnia makes me more interesting as an artist. And I don't consider myself an artist at all. But I feel like famous writers, painters, musicians etc. were always alcoholics, drug addicts, manic depressives, nymphomaniacs, or insomniacs. There's no glamour in addiction or mental illness, but something about not needing to sleep appeals to me. When I was 16 and in the peak of my "I'm not going to sleep, I'm going to stay up all night talking to boys" phase (which I have since outgrown, I think...), I did a little basic math and found out that if you sleep for 8 hours every night, you're sleeping 1/3 of your life away. My solution of course, was to not sleep. But this isn't sustainable and leads to stress and the haggard look that I'm trying to make disappear before my parents come to visit, and random bouts of crying for no good reason. Life started to catch up with me, and now I'm the kind of person who really needs 8 hours of sleep a night to avoid turning into a complete and total bitch. But because this doesn't seem to be the case any more, I think that maybe I am like one of those crazy artists and on the brink of the great American novel or Citizen's Correspondent Corps journalism piece or even just the great American radio show. Or maybe I'm just so excited to be alive right now, that I don't really want to sleep when I could be talking, reading, or blogging.

Life Will Be Uncertain, Life Will Be Uncertain: and June and July

My 2nd stay in Whitesburg has given me a new mantra: Life will be uncertain, life will be uncertain, life will uncertain. My first weekend here, I found this really difficult to accept. As a self-described sentimental fool about places and people, it pains me to make friends and move on and think that they won't be a part of my life any more. But as an adventurous people-loving person, I know that I'm going to have to get over this to avoid getting stuck in a rut. Sometimes when I am at Oberlin or at home, I think that it would be really comforting to just finish school, find some man in West Virginia or Kentucky who was looking for a wife, and settle down and make babies. But I don't feel like that when I'm in Whitesburg at all.

I've been here for about a month, and a recap of everything I've been into would be time consuming, incriminating, and frankly, kind of boring. So I'll just make a few key points and not even attempt to play catch up.

1. I have friends! The first time I was here, there really weren't that many people for me to hang out with, and I honestly needed to spend that month learning about myself by myself free of social distractions.

But friends are nice. My housemates, my co-workers, people I've met at Summit City, people who come into town for events. And while the amount of sleep I've gotten here is inversely proportionate to the amount of friends I have here, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

2. Many of my friends are 4-8 years older than me. Many of them haven't taken the college-grad school-career-family route that I sometimes feel is expected of someone like me. They've been in and out of jobs and school. And they're doing fine. You don't have to finish college in four years then jump straight to grad school to be a successful, interesting person.

3. Which brings me to the biggest thing I've been thinking about. I'm not sure if Oberlin is right for me anymore. While I think it was wonderful for me my freshman year, I've started to feel lately like it's closing in around me and trapping me in a path of low self-confidence, high stress, and frustration with the people around me. This is a bit melodramatic, but the way I feel when I am at Oberlin and the way I feel when I am in the "real world" are so drastically different that I'm starting to wonder if Oberlin is still right for me.

This is not to say that I don't think that Oberlin is a good school, or that the people there are bad people. My friends at Oberlin have been nothing short of amazing. But I'm just not feeling it anymore.

4. And that's okay. Because I feel like it's more important for me to take my time finishing school and maybe get some experience doing minimum wage jobs living in a strange town, or traveling and exploring than for me to continue at Oberlin feeling lukewarm about the things that I am doing. I don't really believe that college will be the best time of my life, but I also want to be in a state of mind where I feel like I can take advantage of the opportunities I want to take advantage of and enjoy learning, and I'm not really sure if I'm there anymore.

5. I didn't intend for this to be a complain about Oberlin post. Complaint department closed.

6. While in Whitesburg, I have...

Helped build a stage with wood and nails and power tools

Hauled hay, chairs, tables, people

Used my Research Methods in Psychology knowledge to help write a survey

Learned to two-step

Realized that I have a really good work ethic. When did that happen?

Spent a ridiculous amount of time in a bar

Spent more time relaxing and just doing nothing than I have in the past four years. Seriously.

Gotten what I wanted more than I deserved.

Done so much radio.

Renovated a website.

Learned to navigate Adobe Audition.

Helped a friend move.

Gotten attacked by a Maine Coon cat.

Lifted things I didn't think I could lift, gone on hikes I didn't think I could finish.

E-mailed a community radio station in Southern India.

Told other people what to do, and had them actually do it.

Travelled to Lexington.

Schmoozed.

Started running again.

Found $50.

And so much more. I am in my element here. I'm having new experiences, learning new things, and living. And even though life will be uncertain, when I am doing my own thing and living on my own, I feel that I am fully capable of handling the uncertainties.