So I've been trying to get unstuck. I went back to school. I'm living with people now, and it's been great. I ended a pretty serious relationship, was on my own for a few months, then let myself get involved with someone else because it's a crazy life and it's a lot more pleasant to go through the craziness with someone else. I'm trying to work with a luthier for winter term. I don't want to let my dream of doing instrument repair fall by the wayside because I never gave myself time to try it.
But still, I'm turning 22 in 8 days. I guess I expected that I'd be further along in my life right now. I thought I'd be closer to being done with college. I thought I'd know what I wanted to be when I grew up. And I thought that if for some reason I hadn't done either of these things it would be because I had a beautiful small child to raise and support. Obviously, it's a good thing that I don't have a beautiful small child to support, but it's frustrating to me that the numbers of my age make me look like an adult, yet I'm obviously not one. I feel like I've accomplished so little in the grand scheme of things. I mean, sure I've made a ton of good stories, but I'd hope that I'd have more than just funny things to tell my future grandchildren by now.
I know I'm just facing the disillusionment everyone faces when they realize that they actually can't be an astronaut/ballerina when they grow up. But it's less of a "I can't" than a "Why the hell haven't I done this already?" So from now on I'm aiming for fewer WTH moments. I'm going to take classes because I need them to graduate, but also because I want to take them before I graduate. I'm going to ask for things because I want them, and not just because they are things I know I can easily get. Right now I'm looking back on 21 and thinking that I should have done less drinking and more planning. I know it's really silly, but I'm not ready to turn 22 because I don't feel like I've accomplished enough to warrant what seems like such an advanced age. Hopefully by the time I'm getting ready to turn 23, I'll be more mentally prepared for it.
23 doesn't make you prepared either... I think we are raised to know the second we are an "adult" but I don't think that moment ever comes. I think it's a more organic cycle and not some big "aha!" moment. But anyways, I can agree that the early twenties is the time where dreams die and reality sets in. woulda coulda shoulda thoughts run rampant! But you have so much guts and gumption. Forget about resume builders, the past few years have been character builders. Love you!
ReplyDelete