Misintextpreted

Disclaimer: I thought of this in my car and when I sat down to write it I realized that it's very similar to Katie Heaney's "Reading Between the Texts" on the Hairpin. I guess I'm not trying to read between the texts, as much as interpret innocuous things in a totally incorrect way. Or something.

Me: Hey hope your show last nite went well im trapped in a work nightmare but im sorry i missed it

Him: haha yeah thats ok

Me: What?! Haha work is stressful? Haha that I'm sorry?

Sane friend: I think he was "haha-ing" your work nightmare joke.

Me: It wasn't funny enough to warrant a "haha"

Sane friend: What did you want him to say? I'm pissed that you missed the show it couldn't go on with out you I broke down in tears on the stage?

Me: Maybe...

Him: Hey good luck on the job hunt.

Me: Good luck? Does he know something I don't? Is this supposed to guilt me into writing more cover letters because he knows I've spent the last two nights watching TV instead? Is he peeking in our windows and knowing that I'm not writing cover letters?

Sane roommate: No. I think he's trying to be nice.

Me: Why? What does he want?

Sane roommate: I think he's just being nice.

Me: I think I'll text him and ask him just in case.

Sane roommate: Please don't do that.

Him: Hows it going matey *in a pirate voice*?

Me: Did I miss Talk Like A Pirate Day again this year? I thought it was in September! How do I cleverly respond?

Sane friend: No I think he's just trying to get you to sleep with him.

Me: I should have never posted that Facebook status about Muppet Treasure Island influencing my taste in men.

Sane friend: Do you realize how creepy that is?

Me: Don't remind me.