Horrorscopes December 2012

What people are saying about Horrorscopes:
"My Horrorscope for November was spot on.  And you should trust me because I'm an astronomer." Lou, 43, a totally non-fictional astronomer

"Horrorscopes perfectly capture the crippling feelings of uncertainty of every day life that I was merely able to attempt with my hit single "Stars are Blind." If only all amateur astrologers could be so honest." - Paris Hilton


Sagittarius:
Happy birthday half-horse half-dude thing!  Unfortunately, you will spend most of it doing damage control from when you found out the hard way that Cyber Monday has nothing to do with sex.  You might want to send everyone you accidentally sent lewd pictures to a note of apology.  Just don't do it via GChat or you might find yourself with a restraining order.

Lucky numbers: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Capricorn:
Jesus might have been a Capricorn (actually he was probs born in the spring but w/e) but that doesn't mean everyone likes Christmas music as much as you do.  Maybe you should turn down the volume on Little Drummer Boy when you drive past the neighborhood synagogue (and my house) with the windows rolled down.

On the 1st, you will find your dental floss and remember to floss your teeth.

Aquarius:
Why do people find the holidays so stressful? Oh because they do all the work. This year, don't stress, just show up. Do the dishes or something. People will admire your aura of calm and try to spill all the family secrets to you. When they do that, grab the bottle of Manischewitz that your grandmother inexplicably keeps in her coat closet and chug it.  If they reveal uncomfortable secrets about someone's paternity, you'll be too hammered to remember!

Lucky number: 867-5309

Pisces:
I see you picking up discarded cigarette cartons you pass on the ground, checking to see if they're not empty then throwing them back down when they are.  Here's a tip: they probably are and if they aren't they probably had strangers' hands on them.  Smoking is gross enough as it is, leave the packs alone, or if you insist on checking, put them in the trashcan afterwards.  A better way to get free cigarettes is to bum them from that asthmatic cutie who sits behind you in class and sounds like they're hacking up a lung every time they cough.

On the 31st you will make plans to quit a bad habit

Aries:
You're going to have a month full of parties and dancing in exciting locations.  Check out a club or two over the holidays. Go to that awkward party in your high school classmate's parents' basement. See how many rooms you can push to capacity. Have fun, but whatever you do, do not Google "disco fires."

Lucky number: However many fire escapes there are in the building

Taurus:
Your cooking abilities are getting better all the time.  However, don't get cocky when dealing with raw meat and eggs.  If you think the vomiting that occurred the night after you made deep fried salmon cakes was just a coincidence, think again.  Invest in a meat thermometer when you're cooking the holiday turkey, or you could end up with salmonella.  Again.

Lucky number: 400 degrees

Gemini:
The weather is getting colder in the Northern Hemisphere. Know what that means?  It's time to find a Winter Boyfriend/Girlfriend.  The ideal Winter Boyfriend/Girlfriend will have a large bed, lots of body hair, and Netflix.  You will choose wisely this year.

Watch out for people dressed as Santa Claus on the 26th. They're probably really confused.

Cancer:
The fact that you will have one of the best holiday seasons of your life does not negate the fact that the name of your zodiac sign has such horrible connotations.

Lucky numbers: 31 1

Leo:
I know you are afraid that someone is going to put an engagement ring in your food and you will choke on it.  However, this fear is irrational if you are in fact single.  If you're dating someone, take small bites of anything edible they give you.  Chew slowly too because I've heard it hurts like the dickens when you bite into someone's dead grandmother's engagement ring.

On the night 4th of December you will have a weirdest dream ever and wake up on the morning of the 5th unable to remember it.  Better luck next time.

Virgo:
Last month was really great, but you were also kind of an asshole because you didn't show up to Scorpio's birthday party.  You should probably grovel or bake them a cake or something.  Only God can judge you.

Lucky numbers: 333 X 2

Libra:
As the great Justin Timberlake once said "What goes around comes around comes around karma karma baby back around." If you had kind of a boring November, it's not because you did anything wrong.  It was probably because of one of your past lives.  I'd suggest sacrificing a goat and volunteering to water your neighbor's Christmas tree while they're on vacation would be sufficient penance to guarantee a more exciting new year.

On the 15th someone will give you the best nickname of your life.

Scorpio:
I know you've been burdened with the weight of your genius recently, but you've been staying up too late.  Even though you hate to relax and are way too sexy to do that anyway, you should try it.  Maybe start by not drinking a pot of coffee after dinner. This month might kind of suck but you'd better enjoy it because #YOLO

On the 21st the world might end.  You should probably wait to turn in all of your finals until the 22nd, just in case.

Nothing Short of Thankful

I'd like to hope that I show my gratitude frequently enough that Thanksgiving is not the only day that I acknowledge how fortunate/privileged/lucky/blessed I am.  But it's that time of year and I've been having a lot of Thoughts that need to manifest in the form of Words.  Plus I read my friend Zoe's list of things she was thankful for and might have gotten a little dust in my eye when she talked about her family (what can I say, mimicry is the highest form of flattery amirite?).  So here is a poorly introduced list of things I'm thankful for.

1. I'm thankful that I am an American.
Yes. I know that's not what you expected to see first on this list.  I am a liberal, hairy (sometimes) well-educated well-traveled feminist Fabulachian bad-ass.  I have many feelings about the way our system of governance works and many of them are not positive.  I've been known to say that I hate most Americans.

But gosh darnit, if I don't love the United States of America.  I love that our national bird is a carrion eater.  I love that beer companies make patriotic cans in the summer.  I love the islands of Hawaii, the green mountains of West Virginia, the deserts of Utah, the clusterfuck that is the mid-Atlantic, the red soil in East Tennessee, the tight hollers of Kentucky, the vast loneliness of the Great Lakes in winter, and even the way Ohio looks when it's cloudy.  I love that we all have silly accents and we don't have mandatory military service and have free education but get so pissy about paying our taxes.  I don't think we're the best nation in the world, but this is where I'm from.  Even when my throat is sore from cursing politicians and my eyes are watery from hearing about health issues caused by environmental devastation and my heart is heavy because there's nothing I can do to fix it all, this is my home and I'm gonna do my best by it.

2. I'm thankful that I'm single.
Not because I'm having the wildest best time ever! (Because I'm not).  But because I'm preparing to head into a fairly uncertain time in my life, and I'm glad that I won't have to take into account the future of another person when I make my decisions.

3. I'm thankful for my education.
More and more I'm realizing how much I've learned at Oberlin.  I can write well and think critically, which is unfortunately not something that everyone knows how to do.

4. I'm thankful for my family.
Y'all have supported me even when I stopped saying "yous guys" and started saying "y'all" because "y'all" isn't gendered but also because I moved to Kentucky.  I don't know if I've turned out the way you expected, but I'm turning out and it couldn't have happened without you. Plus you've supported me mentally, emotionally, and financially.  In a month I will have so much more time for you.

5. I'm thankful for my friends
This world is a hard place and I have a natural tendency to deal with it all on my own.  But you won't let me do it.  When I'm trying to spend the night in my house and in my head sewing, you text me and ask me if I want to get a drink.  You're there when I leave my house and there physically or in spirit when I get home.  You're in so many different states and countries and places that I haven't been to.  I drew a cartoon at the beginning of the summer of a girl trying to hold together pieces of her heart that are being pulled all across the country.  But you're pushing back and everything is still in one piece.  You all inspire me constantly with your kindness, intelligence, creativity, humor, conscientiousness, and love.  And because I have had you in my life, I realize that I must be a pretty decent person too.